The sky is a conspiracy of stars

22) What am I?

• Shivani Patel •

I ran past him, to somewhere nobody could find me. The tear stains just hanging on the axis of my cheeks. What cries now, is my heart. I didn't think that this was common in college life.

I lifted my sleeves and focused on the area that was bathing in red.

I promised myself not to do this, didn't I?

Guess what, I am a fucking liar!

I looked up to the sky; my eyes devoid of any emotion now. I am back to my rocky self, I guess.

The one who isn't important in anybody's life; the one who isn't a best friend to someone; the one who isn't worth the efforts because she is just too much of a bitch; the orphan who is scared of the cloudy weather; the one whose tears won't be seen by anyone; the one who will be hiding in the closet most of the days.

Yeah, I am the one with those traits.

I felt a lump forming in my throat and I needed to clear it. But no matter what I did, it kept building up, causing immense pain to my throat.

I don't want this fucking discomfort!

Having to deal with humans was enough!

Wait a second.

Where am I?

I am clearly not in the forest I was used to. I am not in the backyard of the dorm. Where am I?

I looked around.

It was all trees and grass and nothing else.

Ugh, if God is finally going to love me enough to get me out of this world, the least he could have done was let me spend my last minutes with the people I have known.

Wait a second, again.

Why don't I feel my heart thumping loud? Why don't I feel fear settle in? Why don't I feel my heart go insane and why don't my head feel dizzy?

Oh, I get it. I have lost it. I have lost the well-fed emotions inside me.

All it took was that one betraying kiss to break me free from everything that scared me.

I felt something surging through me. A immense want to laugh out loud like a maniac washed over me. Therefore, I let loose and laughed until my stomach hurt, too loud, for no one was there to hear me.

I felt something drop from my eyes and onto my cheek. What was happening to me?

“Why are you crying?”, I asked myself. “No one will hear your cries and pleas. No one will wipe your tears. It is no use crying, you dumbass”, I don't know what was happening to me. I was talking to myself. I was laughing like a maniac. I was crying. I was feeling pain. I was feeling numb. Was I being psychotic? Probably.

I should be dead.

It felt like someone was hammering my head, continually. I fell onto my knees and my hands felt weightless. No matter how hard I tried to bind them together, they would slip down. I didn't have the energy to fight myself.