Against Protocol (Aaron Hotchner X Reader)

chapter twenty: bonnie and clyde syndrome

i know y'all are already gonna hate me for what's going to happen 

: ) 

The emptiness of the roads on the way back to the BAU was dismal — the subtle swing of the beaten traffic lights in the early morning wind, the premature markings of the sunset etching onto the horizon, and even in the way Hotch looked out at the road with something brooding in his contemplation.

All of it was another dire reminder of the tumultuous nature of the job you loved.

Gripping the steering wheel with the whiteness of his knuckles jutting through his flesh, while never letting his pensive eyes stray off the road, he breaks the silence. "Just when I thought things were starting to get better," he sighs haplessly. "Everything comes crashing down. It's like we can never catch a break."

You glance over at him, his shoulders stiff and eyebrows knitted together.

"You've got to stop beating yourself up for being human. You've worked hundreds of these cases, and you've solved nearly all of them. We can solve this, you know; what's even different this time?" you reassure, hoping to elevate his forlorn spirits.

"You." His voice is raw and sweet. Like an open wound, his words are tender to the point of caution.

"Come on. Don't say that." You shake your head, trying to digest what he was saying. You hadn't considered how much you meant to him. Even though you've felt the way his hands roam up along your body, felt the aching familiarity of his lips pressed up against yours, you've never known what to do when his emotions unraveled in front of you. A part of you felt guilty for interfering with his career, with yours. "You're one of the best profilers the BAU has ever seen, and I don't want this to interfere with that," you share, guilt-ridden.

The realization was daunting, hanging over you like a shadow; were you hurting his profiling skills? Did you distract him from the necessities of the job?

His eyes flicker to you before the light turns green again, noticing the frown that settled on your face. "What are you saying?"

It hits you, the thought an almost physical type of pain. "Maybe the reason this hasn't worked out is because it wasn't meant to be," you admit half-heartedly. You didn't want it to end; it was the last thing you wanted, but the twisted ache that Vera had brought out only highlighted what should've been obvious before. Hotch needed to do his job, and you needed to do yours. "Maybe this isn't good for us."

He parks in the BAU parking lot, hands sliding off the wheel as he looks out to the mammoth building, eyes unfocused. "Is that how you really feel?"

You can't profile his expressions, something stone cold resurfacing on his visage. You hate it: how good he made you feel, how content. But you also hated all the problems it came with; breaking protocol, the devilish deals with Vera, the way you distracted him from the more important things. He had a life beyond this, and everything that unfolded this past week only exacerbated the matter at hand. 

"Yes." Your voice is resonant, but a sharp ache burns through you as the words fall flat on your ears. It shouldn't have been this hard.

He doesn't answer for a second, biting the inside of his cheek in thought. "If this is really what you want, then I respect your decision. I'm not going to make you continue something you're not comfortable with, but we still have a job to do. It is in our best interest to not let this interfere with Vera."

"I know," you let out, before shutting the car door and leaving Hotch behind to collect himself behind the steering wheel.

Only Derek and Garcia had made it this early, staying late to finish paperwork and occupy each other's time through the late night, as the others slowly started to come in after the early wake-up call.