If I lose myself

Chapter 4. "Miracles happen every day." ✔️

"H-hello," Lauren said hesitantly into the phone as she removed her arm from around Camila's shoulders and stepped into the middle of the room so that her back was to the smaller girl.

She started pacing back and forth on the spot anxiously and Camila watched, noting the way that Lauren's whole body had tensed in expectation, how every muscle had grown taut and rigid in preparation to hold her together if her whole world suddenly fell apart.

Camila heard a muffled voice come on to the line from where she stood and Lauren sucked in a large breath at the sound of it, one hand reaching up to her mouth as she struggled to suppress the sob that was eager to leave her lips.

"H-hi mom," she said, the words almost completely lost when her voice broke audibly with relief.

Camila saw the apprehension which Lauren had displayed so evidently only a few seconds ago almost instantly vanish at the sound of her mom's familiar tone and it was soon replaced with the same steely resolve that she always adopted when she was trying to appear strong for the older woman's benefit.

"Yeah, I'm fine," Lauren said; clearing her throat and turning her back to Camila again, who could only assume that Clara had been less than convinced by her daughters' mediocre performance. "How are you?" she asked fearfully, grabbing the back of her neck with her free hand and gripping on to it tightly as she tried to direct the conversation away from herself.

She took a few steps toward the oak vanity table against the far wall as Clara answered her question and Camila observed the small nod of Lauren's head which accompanied each indistinct word of her mom's response.

"Good," Lauren acknowledged, picking at the assortment of make-up products scattered on the surface in front of her when she reached it. "That's really great mom," she said, moving them around distractedly as she listened to Clara's side of the conversation. "I'm happy that you're feeling so well." She returned sincerely, stopping what she'd been doing when her mom spoke up again. "Camz?" she askedsurprised, looking back in Camila's direction for only a brief moment before turning her back on her once more. "She's great," Lauren told her mom, angling her head down as she held on to the back of it. "Yeah, she's ok I promise," Lauren said quietly, her eyes now closed and a pained expression sullying the normally vibrant features of her face at the blatant deficit in her mom's memory. "No, the doctor gave her the all-clear last week. Don't you remember?" Lauren asked Clara, the corners of her eyes glistening as she quietened to hear what her mom was saying.

Camila could see Lauren's reflection in the vanity mirror from where she stood and she studied it closely, her heartbreaking at the sight of her girlfriend looking so visibly upset. She wanted nothing more than to walk over to Lauren and comfort her but she knew that the gesture wouldn't be appreciated. It never was. Every time Camila had tried to offer her support in the past Lauren had pushed her away or shut her out. Once, not long after Clara's diagnosis, Camila had walked in to the apartment to find her girlfriend silently crying on the sofa and she'd instantly hurried over to offer Lauren consolation only for her to stand up in a rush and disappear in to the bathroom, ashamed that she'd been caught off guard in what she perceived to be a moment of weakness. All attempts that Camila had later made to address what had happened were swiftly brushed off by Lauren. Any questions she'd asked about Clara's health, expertly avoided.

Lauren point blank refused to talk to Camila about her feelings in regard to her mom's condition, but that didn't stop Camila from asking. If nothing else, Camila wanted Lauren to know that she cared. That she was more than willing to listen if Lauren should ever change her mind and want to talk. Lauren had never once taken her up on the unspoken offer and as much as Camila liked to pretend that her girlfriend's rejection didn't hurt her; it did.