If I lose myself

Chapter 15. ''That's what I thought.'' ✔️

A/N: Trigger Warning ⚠️

"W-what are you doing?" Lauren asked, her voice hitching in her throat, and her eyes widening fearfully at the sight of Camila removing the engagement ring that she'd given to her. "No, wait..." she said, rushing forward to wrap both her hands around Camila's in a desperate attempt to stop her from giving it back. "Just wait a minute, ok?" she pleaded. "Just let me explain...please? I didn't...I didn't mean...God, I just...it's just...it's..."

"Lauren, stop." Camila said calmly, resting her free hand on top of her fiancées to halt her disordered thoughts.

"Please don't do this," Lauren cried, tears streaking her cheeks. "I'm sorry, ok? I didn't mean it..."

"Yes, you did." Camila responded sadly, "and I meant what I said too." She told her. "I love you so much Lauren, and I would do anything for you. You know that. If I could bring your mom back, if I could fix this somehow, then I would. I would move heaven and earth for you, and I would have gladly sacrificed myself in her place if it meant that you didn't have to lose her."

Lauren closed her eyes at Camila's words, and scrunched up her face, releasing a sob which broke Camila's heart.

"I get it, I do," Camila said softly, gently squeezing Lauren's hand, and then carefully removing it from around her own, so that it was once again hanging loosely by her fiancées side. "You think that if I'd died instead of her, then maybe you'd still have your miracle, and who knows, maybe you would."

"Camz..." Lauren tried to interject, but Camila didn't let her.

"You think that you wouldn't hurt you like this if I'd died after the accident, and you're right." Camila pressed on, slowly extracting her other hand from Lauren's grasp. "You didn't know me back then, and my death, it wouldn't have meant anything to you." She said astutely, having gained some insight into Lauren's state of mind from her fiancées earlier admission. "I wouldn't have meant anything to you..."

"Don't say that." Lauren cut in, her words barely more than a whisper.

"If I could switch places with your mom...if I could do that for you, then I would." She said again. "I would do it in a heartbeat, because I loved her too, and I miss her being here."

Camila's voice was thick with emotion, and her eyes were filled with tears.

"I miss you too," she sighed, allowing herself to cry openly now. "I miss us. How we used to be before..."

Camila lifted her free hand to try cup the side of Lauren's face, but her fiancée moved back so that it was out of her reach.

"I miss being able to touch you," Camila said, dropping her hand to her side again, "and I miss being able to talk to you."

She gripped her engagement ring tightly in the palm of her right hand, the urge to put it back on agonisingly overwhelming.

"There is so much about us, and our life together, that I miss." She said, holding her hand out in front of her, palm up, rationality winning out over emotion.

Lauren watched as Camila uncurled her fingers to reveal the small platinum band that she had given to her on Christmas Eve, and all the air seemed to leave the room at that one simple, yet significant gesture.

"I don't miss the feeling that I used to get back in high school when Rachel would tell me that I was pathetic, or useless, or a mistake." She told her honestly, "and I don't miss the way that I felt when David would belittle me, or mock the way that I would speak." She shared, picking up the ring with her left hand. "I don't miss that feeling at all."