you changed my life

chapter 43

Sana was in her room raging in anger. there was one more picture posted by her brother while she was coming to the room, captioned, 'love you mom and dad.'  she hated that she was getting so affected with their happiness. she should not be but she was a human after all. all the people responsible for her pain were happy and she was not. n matter how much she hated the fact that she was getting jealous, she could not help. she didn't shed a single tear since she cried in the restroom. she believed that crying makes you weak and the people who like you in pain wins, so she hated crying. though her eyes were heavy with tears, not even a single tear dropped from her eyes. she looked around for something to hurt herself. she had always done this. giving herself some physical pain divert her brain from the heartache and give her some relief. she picked up the glass and held it so hard that it broke into pieces in her grip. glass pieces pierced her palm giving her relief. she sat on the bed and kept staring at her bleeding hand.

sid was standing outside her room. he knew he should go inside but he dreaded to know her condition. with a lot of battle with his mind, he knocked on the door. there was no reply from inside. he knocked two more times.

"open the door Shehnaaz. I know you are inside," he said knocking on the door, but not getting any reply.

"baby please open the door. I know you are hurting but please open the door." he requested resting his head on the door.

"Leave me alone and go," she said. her voice cracked and he knew she is not at all fine.

"I am not going anywhere. open the damn door," he growled banging the door. he kept banging as he didn't get any answer. this raised Sana's anger. she went towards the door and opened it. She was seething in anger, her whole face was red in anger. Her eyes were red and heavy with tears and it was predictable that she was trying to hold her tears from falling. His stomach churned looking at her.

"Leave me alone ka matlb samajh nahi ata kya. Sabar dasti chep hona zaroori hai kya." Sana yelled frustratedly.

"Han hai zaroori. I am not one of those friends jo sirf acche time main sath hote hai." Sid said and entered the room, closing the door behind.

"I am not at all in the mood to discuss over which kind of friend you are because I simply don't care. So just go." She said it so coldly that it hurt him but he didn't this bother him as he knew by now that she says absolutely anything in anger and regret later.

"I know what you are going through. You are not alone. You don't have to go through this all alone." Sid said softly. She laughed at this and laughed so hard. He was all confused about why she was laughing.

"You know...YOU. KNOW. What do you know about my feeling? Haan...What? Tell me. And what you said I am not alone. Well FYI I was, am, and will always be alone. And I know how to handle myself very well. You don't have to worry about me. Nobody has to worry about me. I don't want your sympathy and pity. Mai koi bechari nahi hoon. Samajh me aya. I don't want anyone. Koi bhi nahi..." She kept blabbering this till tears spilled down her eyes and her anger turned into sobs. Sid quickly took her in his arms. He hugged her tightly rubbing her back as she sobbed in his arms.

"No, you are not alone. Mai hoon tere pass aur kabhi nahi jaunga, kabhi bhi nahi, tu door bhagayegi tab bhi nhi." He promised yet again to be by her side forever. Her sobs died and she broke the hug. She didn't look at him. He took her injured hand in his and sighed. He took her and made her sit on the bed and went to bring the first aid box from the bathroom (provided by the resort). He sat beside her and started cleaning her wounds.

"I can clearly see how good care you take of yourself. You promised me you'll not do anything stupid like this again." He said in a low disappointed tone. Sana kept looking down. After completing her dressing he looked at her and sighed. He made her look at him and saw her eyes welled up.

"Bas baba..." He again took her in his arms and she cried silently.

"I am sorry. Mai itna roti nahi hoon par patani tere sath rukte hi nahi hai." She mumbled in his embrace making him chuckle.

"Koi bat nahi. You can cry as much as you want with me." As he said this Sana pulled back from the hug and wiped her tears harshly making sid all confused.

"Nahi, weak people cry. I am not weak at all. I'll not cry more. Never." She said like a child.

"Aur aisa kisne kaha ki sirf weak lig hi rote hai. Crying doesn't make you weak. It gives relief. You are a biology student, you would know this better than me that crying is the body's reaction when you are upset or anxious, or afraid. So you tell me how does it make you weak. In fact, it prevents the chance of getting depressed as you vent out your emotions." Sid explained to her as if she was a kid. Sana chuckled sarcastically to this.

"You are right. Physically it doesn't make you weak but emotionally it does. And you can recover from physical weakness easily but emotional, I doubt it." Sana said smirking sadly.

"I don't think so..." Sid was saying but Sana interrupted.

"I think so, I believe so because I feel so and I have felt so. Experiences change your beliefs. Anyways leave it. It's just a waste of time to discuss these useless topics." She said and got up, picking the first aid box with her to keep it back, and was about to move when sid held her hand.

"No, it's not a waste of time. Keeping your feelings and suppressing your anger inside will not do any good to you. You have to vent it out." He said.

"That will not change a single thing," Sana said.

"Yes, it will," Sid argued.

"Ooh really. So tell me will it change the fact that I am abandoned by my own family? Will it change the fact that the people responsible for my pain are happy but I am not? Will it change the fact that I am alone and will be alone ever? Will it change the fact that at the age when children enjoy college life, their young adult life, I worked my ass out to earn a living? Will it change the fact that I am right now jobless because I have become so underconfident and self-doubting that I don't feel capable of anything? Will it change the fact that you paid my fees for this year and I don't have a fucking idea what I am gonna do about next year, are year chor semester exam ki fee ka bhi patani kaise karungi. Will it change the fact that despite having a family, I am living at my friend's mercy? ......And answer to all these questions is NO, it will not. And now I'll tell you what happens if I talk about this. I'll be again visiting all those dreadful memories. It will pain me again. I'll be feeling lonely again. I'll be feeling jinxed again. So weighing both the possibilities, not talking is a better option." Sana said freeing her hand from his grip. she was about to go but stopped listening to him.

"Talking will help you to overcome self-doubting. Sharing pain reduces pain. You are alone when you keep things to yourself but when you have someone to talk to, you are not alone. Problems har kisi ki life mein hote hai. Un problems ke solution dhoondhke age badne vale log khush rehete hai. You said the ones responsible for your pain are happy but you are not. Tell me one thing, who stopped you from being happy. Did they or anyone else. NO, it's you. You are stopping yourself. Unse nafrat karne ke bohot reasons hai tere pass but khudse pyaar karne ke nahi. Find those reasons instead of the answers of whys related to them. You'll be the happiest on earth. Love yourself first, then others will live you." Sid said. There was silence for some time in the room. Sana was facing her back to Sid. And by the time sid completed his monolog tears were flowing from Sana's eyes.

"I am tired and I want to change. Can you give me some privacy?" She said after few minutes without turning. Sid sighed. He was not sure about leaving her alone but left nonetheless. Saying, "I am just a call away if you need me."

Sana broken-down when the door closed. She kept crying for how long, even she didn't know but the tears didn't seem to stop. After some time she wiped her tears and got up. She dressed up and left to be with her friends at the bonfire and dinner. She was determined to not show her vulnerable side. She is not weak and she loves herself. She wanted to prove sid wrong here. She will show him that she can be happy and she doesn't need anyone. And with this determination, she left the room.

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