Pen Pals ||Shelby and Toni||

Moving On

I miss you.
I miss you so much down to the little details only I remember of you.
The way your hair was soft and smelt of jasmine.
The way you smiled while addressing me and only me.
The way your hand felt in mine.
Like a piece of a puzzle I was missing.
I miss the way your hand fit in mine.
But I've found someone that makes me feel the same way you did a year ago. She makes me feel like maybe one day I can escape from the torture that is my world. And deep down somewhere I know that you're okay with that. That you want me to move on.
I hope that you know that what I did was not because I wanted to hurt you but because I want to protect you. From my parents and myself. I hope that you understand that know.
I love you always.

-Shelby

Shelby looks over the letter she just wrote and puts it in the envelope. She closes it and places it in the box along with the rest of the envelopes and closes the box. Placing it back in her closet she walks back to her bed and twist and turns in the night.
~~~~~

The last time Shelby and Becca bowled:

"I haven't made one shot tonight." Becca says turning back to Shelby who is nervously fidgeting with her cross necklace. Becca seems to notice but avoids the subject. Shelby has been fidgeting for the past week. Whenever Becca brings it up Shelby says it's about exams but Becca knows her better than that.

"I've had bad luck today." Becca says walking over to the table Shelby is sitting at. She pulls Shelby in by her arm. Shelby was stiff when Becca pulls her in. "Yea today has been off." Shelby says absent minded.

They have been together for almost one year. Secretly sneaking out and making out in Shelby's car. And house sometimes depending. Shelby seemed to truly be happy when she was around Becca it was the only time she seemed that way.

"I love you." Becca says trying to get Shelby's attention. Shelby turns toward her with a smile. "I love you too." She says giving her a small peck on the cheek after looking around the bowling alley. Shelby finally gets up for her turn.
~~~~~

They finish bowling and although Becca has had an off day she ends up winning anyway. "We need to find something else to do. You never win." Becca says there walking towards Shelby's car. "No I like bowling. I like that your excited every time you make a strike." Shelby says pulling out her car keys.

They get in the car and Shelby seems off while driving back towards Becca's house. They couldn't spend the night that night because it was a Saturday and Becca didn't want to go to church so early in the morning.

"Are you okay?" Becca says right as Shelby pulls up by her house. Shelby looks like she's trying to get the courage to say something.

"I don't think we should do this anymore." Shelby says looking down at there conjoined hands. She hadn't even noticed that they were holding hands.

"What? What do you mean?" Becca looks very shocked. They have been doing fine the way they were. Shelby shifts in the drivers seat. She faces Becca.

"I don't think I can do this anymore." She clarifies. She searches Becca eyes for what she's thinking. "Why all of a sudden?" Becca asks. It was a valid question but Shelby was to caught up in fear and her own sadness to answer it. "I don't want to date you anymore!!" She yells making Becca jump. Maybe if she lies about losing feelings it will be easier. "I don't have feelings for you! It- it's over!" She didn't mean for it to be so harsh.

"I thought we loved each other..." Becca sounds so sad and all Shelby wants to do is hug her. But she knows if it goes on any longer it will just hurt both of them. "I don't love you." Shelby says she's on the verge of tears and it's staring at the rode ahead of her.

Becca is staring at her. The next thing she knows she's alone in the car. She looks over to Becca's front door. She fights the urge to run towards it and starts the engine and drives back to her own house.
~~~~~

A few days after that:

Shelby is getting ready for school when she gets a text from from a friend of Becca's. When she reads it her heart drops. She's never felt truly heartbroken before. The rest of what happens that day is a blur. Maybe she goes to school and doesn't listen to whatever the teacher is saying. Maybe Andrew asks her if she's okay and she responds with a pageant fake smile and a "yea of course." She doesn't remember. What she does remember is the scenario she created in her head. The picture of Becca dead in her car. The sadness she felt all day without one tear. That is what she remembers from that day.
~~~~~

A year after:

Shelby has been writing letters to Becca. She keeps them in a box in her closet on the top shelf. She's also been writing about her in her diary. It's not as detailed as the letters but still has mentions of there relationship. She doesn't think until after about the 100 different places she could have put that diary. How if her dad just hadn't checked between her bed and box spring she would not be here.

But here she is in conversion therapy. She's not allowed to socialize to much with her fellow conversion pals. But with the little talking she has had she knows that there not bad people.

Her dad says there evil. There sinners and should be treated like ones. But isn't everyone a sinner? Aren't we all just sinners living on this earth. Shelby finds the Christian religion flawed.

To many plot holes. But she's grown up Christian. It's all she's ever known.
She's done research. Knows that the word 'homosexual' was not originally in the Bible. But still she struggles with her religion and how it fits with her. With who she is. She isn't some southern pageant Queen who's gonna marry her high school sweetheart. She never was.
~~~~~

Shelby wakes up with heavy breaths. She had a dream about Becca. Becca and her were living in a small apartment. But they were either moving in or moving out. She wasn't sure she just remembers boxes and boxes of stuff. Then she remembers suddenly being on the floor and Becca was saying it's gonna be okay.

Then she woke up. She relaxes finally and lays down on her bed again. She feels tears coming out of her eyes and wipes them away quickly.

She thinks Becca was giving her something. Like she was answering Shelby's letter in some way.

And with that Shelby nuzzles into her pillow and falls asleep to the thought that maybe Becca does want her to move on. And although Becca will always be in her heart. She was her first love. Maybe Shelby herself is ready to move on.

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Hey guys I'm sorry i know it's been a couple days since I updated. I kinda lost focus for a second but I will be writing more because I love making this for you guys. It means a lot all of the comments I get from you all. I hope your having a great day.