Diagnosis (English Translation)

13

Chapter 13: Relationships

The sound of the guard’s whistle and the motioning of his hand signaled for a car to back up and park. The sound of live music played from the store across the street. All the sounds around me seemed so loud and blaring. It was almost as if someone had turned up the fuzzy background noise. The only sound I could hear clearly was Thana’s voice.

“I like you, Ton. I want you to be my boyfriend.”

When Thana said that to me, I couldn’t believe what I had heard.

The hands that were holding my shoulders were now weakening. Thana’s fierce expression suddenly transformed into a dull face. His gaze lowered and his forehead leaned against my left shoulder.

I was completely frozen except for the slight shaking caused by my panic. I admit that I was momentarily terrified of P’Thana because his attitude reminded me of Thana from my hallucinations.

What did P’Thana say? He likes me and wants to be my boyfriend?

Thana left me slowly. He released his hands from my shoulder, and he took a few steps back until we were two meters apart. I could only see his gloomy face in the dim light.

His face looked pale, hopeless and lifeless. He refused to look at me. It’s like he’s afraid to look up and face me. He’s afraid to see my reaction just like a child who does something wrong and doesn’t dare look at their parents.

“I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to control my feelings. At first, it seemed like I could do it… but now I can’t.” P’Thana said in a trembling voice.

I am still in the process of understanding what happened. What I understand now is that Thana confessed his love to me and is now looking up at the sky in despair. He seems discouraged and hopeless for some reason.

I struggled to stand up straight and look at Thana. Sometimes I forget that Thana is a schizophrenic patient because he seems normal now and was even able to help me recover from my illness.

Thana is a tall and strong man. This made me overlook his inner weaknesses. He has been keeping a lot of things bottled up, and I forgot he also needs help although he never asks for it.

Today he said what he wanted. I never thought it would be something like this.

“P’... I… I’m not gay.” I finally spoke after Thana’s prolonged silence.

Thana nodded and looked away. “I know.”

The feeling that now arose in my heart was compassion. If I reject him, what will he be like? I don’t want to see him in a worse state because of me. I shouldn’t hurt the feelings of someone who helped me with my illness so much, but if I accept, it will go against my own feelings. If he finds out later that I never liked him more than friends, then would he be in more pain than if I rejected him now?

“If I say that I can’t accept what you said, what will you do?” I asked him, and Thana looked me in the eyes. His eyes were filled with agony. My heart dropped when I looked at his pained face.

“I know that everything has to end here. You won’t have to speak to me anymore. I’ll disappear from your life for good.”

I frowned. “Why do you have to disappear? Can’t we still be friends?”

“Do you think we can be friends after I told you this? You might be able to do it, but I can’t!” Thana spoke forcefully. His eyes teared up which made me not want to go on. If I said something else to him right now, it would only make him feel worse.

“Wait here a moment. I’ll go pay the bill.” He pointed to the bar across the street. “I’ll drive you home after that.”

He started leaving by taking a long step back toward the bar. I stood still watching his tall figure walk away.

Suddenly, Thana stopped walking and raised his hands up to cover his ears.

I could clearly see his unusual gesture. I exclaimed quietly to myself in shock and quickly ran over to him until I was standing right in front of him.

At this time, Thana had a terrified expression. He lowered his hands to his side, but his large hands were still trembling.

He was hearing things that I couldn’t hear. Is Thana’s schizophrenia coming back to him again?”

My actions were faster than my thoughts. Some part of me told my brain to extend my hand out toward Thana’s trembling hand. He looked at me in surprise as if he couldn’t believe what he saw. I was also in awe of my actions. His hand stopped shaking, so I let go and took a deep breath to relax.

“I don’t want to leave yet…” I tried smiling to change the atmosphere. “And you can’t leave me.”

I have to help him. I have to stay with him to help him. I can’t let him get away from me.

Pity, compassion, understanding… This is how I feel about P’Thana now. As for his feelings, we will see how I feel about that later, but now I can’t hurt him.

Without realizing it, I had fallen into Thana’s tight embrace, and I didn’t hesitate to return the hug. This is a completely new experience for me. He hugged me so tightly that I could almost hear his heartbeat through the fabric. I didn’t feel uncomfortable, but I didn’t want to stay in this position for too long.

“Let’s go” I said softly although my eyes looked distant.

What will our relationship be like in the future? I can’t imagine it.

----------

I was woken up and surprised by the sound of my ringtone at eight in the morning. The soft sunlight was shining through the curtains of my bedroom. I reached for my phone on my bedside table without opening my eyes. When my hand felt an object that might have been my phone, I picked it up, squinted at the screen and saw the caller’s name. It was P’Thana.

“Yes, P’?” I spoke in a half-awake voice.

“You haven’t woken up yet?”

“I was about to wake up.” Then I unintentionally yawned into the phone.

“Oh? Sorry to call and wake you up.”

“It’s okay P’, I’m getting up now.”

I uncovered myself from my blankets. I heard a voice on the other end of the call. Besides the voice talking, there were also intermittent noises in the background. It was light music mixed with a sound identical to a coffee grinder.

“Are you at work?”

“Yes, the shop opens at nine, but I have to come help prepare everything beforehand.”

“Have you heard voices? Do you need to see the doctor?”

“I went to see the doctor a few days ago, and I don’t hear them that often anymore. I have to wait a while and see what happens.”

“So… you’re calling me while you have to prepare things. Isn’t your sister complaining?” I know that Thana is currently working at his sister’s café.

“She’s about to yell at me. Please call me back later.” and he hung up. I looked at my phone screen which was now back to the lock screen that displayed the time.

Last night, I took P’Thana back to eat at a restaurant. He looked visibly refreshed. He repeatedly asked me if I liked him or not, but I never gave him a straightforward answer. At least he looked happy which made me feel relieved.

After eating, Thana took me home around midnight, yet I wasn’t able to fall asleep until almost two in the morning.

I got out of bed and went straight to the bathroom. I looked in the mirror and noticed that this was the first time I looked good after my illness. I look healthier, my state of mind has improved a lot, and, most importantly, I have not seen hallucinations yet. I think I am ready to return to school next week for the first time since my hospitalization.

The phone rang again from my bed, so I quickly went out of the bathroom to pick up the call. It said Waiyasit on the caller ID, so I accepted it.

“Oh, what?” I said.

“You…” Wai’s husky voice spoke at the other end of the line. “Tell me… that P’Thana … has come to confess his love to you, right?”


**Here is a picture of Thana and Ton from the author of Diagnosis, Sammon Scene: