Swift as a Coursing River | Ongoing

4. Sightseeing

Gay porn is both a revelation and a nightmare. Edwin has never consumed porn like it was food. His parents bought their first computer when he was already married and installed it in the living room. It was more for show than actual use; his parents were as inept at technology as he feels about the speed train of current developments. They had no need or desire to learn either, and they've only tried to catch up in recent years.

Thus he never watched porn at home in his teens, but his friends were a rowdy bunch and they shared magazines and gathered around Daniel's TV whenever his parents weren't home, which was quite often. They'd jest and comment on the ridiculous acting, the bad lighting, the grainy images, and then be equally enraptured by close-ups of boobs and thighs and arses. Edwin never understood why they went silent and shuffled closer to the screen during those parts. Those weren't terrible but far from fascinating, as they made it seem. Edwin recalls plenty of thighs and arses, but they belonged to muscular men.

It's so clear now he likes men, and all the more a mystery why he did not realise earlier. Are you that dense? Sandra might be right that he's dense as a rock and he built a wall with his own hands. If it's painful to demolish it now with a jackhammer, only he is to blame.

When he looks up gay porn, it's a first in more ways than one. He never watched porn on his own, and then he asked Ellen out and the thought alone made him uncomfortable. Now he's alone in his apartment, but he still wants to check if nobody's looking over his shoulder. He hates a little that he's even here, browser open and ready to type something in the search bar. He didn't need straight porn, so why does he need gay porn? He might be homosexual, but he's not sex-crazed.

And yet, he can't help it. He wants to see, wants to know, wants to assure himself that this is what he wants. He can't enter that bar tomorrow as a virgin in all the ways that matter to him. So he searches for 'gay porn' and he clicks on the first link, the first video. It's nothing scandalous, but he freezes, staring at the naked bodies and hearing the moans blasting way too loud from his laptop. He can't exit his browser fast enough.

The second time is the day after the bar, and he feels more secure and sure of his choices. The volume is down to 15% and he combs through search results for a video that interests him, a hidden gem. Some titles and thumbnails are so outrageous he reads them twice before wishing he had never seen them, some videos are more comical than sexy, but it's out there, the good stuff.

At first, he only watches short videos, at most one a day in the evening, when he's home from work and lounging around an empty apartment with so many possibilities he doesn't know what to do with them. Most of them, he could do with Ellen too, but the air is too thin and he is more naked than he's ever been when there was another person present, if not in body, then in objects and habits. Ellen liked sports, but only when she was doing it; now he could watch without any compromise. He could read, he could practise on his saxophone, ...

All those things take root in his new routine, but after the bar, so does porn. He finishes the whole video and the tension that crept up during the initial steps bleeds from his muscles. Nobody looks over his shoulder. He does it again a few days later, and then again, and each time resolves some of the stiffness in his arms, his back, his neck. One day, he never has the urge to check if he's alone and he rubs not over his pants, but in his pants. After that, he notices a spring in his step and he realises the shame that festered under his skin has welled up and the wound is clean.

***

Edwin downloads Grindr in a dead moment. Not out of boredom, exactly, or as an impulsive decision; those only push him over the edge. He contemplated this for several days in showers or in bed. The weight of it drifts down slowly, never settling and keeping him on the edge of comfort. Porn is one thing; straight people do it too. It's normal. Even the bar was safe; he could have been the straight friend, he didn't flirt. Grindr implies he's looking for other men.