Swift as a Coursing River | Ongoing

6. Calmer waters

The day after his dad's birthday, Edwin texts Sandra to ask if they can meet up.

Sandra's reply is instantaneous: "Would you like to come over this evening? Luis will be out with friends."

Edwin doesn't have to think twice: "That'd be perfect." He feels calmer already because Sandra's willingness to meet up suggests everything can be solved. She's probably aware of why he wants to talk to her specifically.

Sandra opens the door to her and Luis' apartment while smiling. "Hey, dad." She doesn't hesitate to hug him. Edwin squeezes her and smiles when she steps back. She's glowing and it seems ages ago he saw her like that, even though she came to all Saturday dinners he was present. She was there and not exactly sad or angry, but they never talked one-on-one and only ever about inane topics. There was this unspoken tension, a distance that hadn't been there before his coming-out. Now that distance feels like little more than a big step instead of a canyon.

They settle in the kitchen across from each other at the table and Sandra busies herself with making tea and presenting a box of the sugary biscuits they both like.

When she sits down, she looks him right in the eye and says: "I guess I should start with my apologies. I acted as if you had done something wrong - which you haven't, I'm not a homophobe - and when I realised that, I was too much of a chicken to say it." She takes a deep breath and looks down at her tea before she's back with the intense stare. "I'm sorry if I hurt you. I was just ... shocked and - I don't know."

Edwin feels surprised and relieved and sad all at once. He came here to make amends, but he didn't expect apologies, especially not as the conversation opener, since Sandra rarely makes them. She has trouble empathising with others' feelings that might seem trivial to her. When she was a child, she accidentally broke one of Tamara's dolls and when Tamara cried and stamped her feet, she shrugged and said: "But she has others! And you can just glue it like you did with mine."

Now Edwin meets her earnest gaze and she keeps it for several seconds before she lowers her eyes and sips her tea. "Thank you for apologising," he starts. "You did hurt me, because you acted without thinking."

"I know," she sighs. "I'd blame it on the ADHD or the change in dose of my medication, but that's a piss-poor excuse. You just made me feel like I couldn't trust anything about my life anymore." She trails off.

"But I was not just changing your life, but mine too. This is about my life. If you felt lost, can you imagine how I felt? When I had to re-evaluate everything I had thought about myself. My and your mum's lives changed more than yours."

"I know!" And softer, she repeats: "I know. God, I did act like an asshole, didn't I?"

Edwin is tempted to smooth it over, but he's here to be honest, not to coddle her. "A little. You implied I would or might have cheated, that I deceived your mum because I didn't know earlier. Those are strong accusations and I didn't deserve those."

"I know I was out of line!" Now she sounds exasperated. "I just know that you don't like to be alone and I thought ... I don't know what I thought. That you needed to experiment to know? That you didn't love mum, so you must love someone else?"

"It doesn't work like that. Your mum is still my friend, even though we're still working things out between us. She's the most amazing woman I have ever met and I honestly thought I was in love with her until January."

"January! But you only told us in March?"

"Sandra." Edwin uses the stern tone that suggests she has made a mistake. "I needed to process and be sure. I needed to talk to your mum. And I was perfectly in my right to keep that to myself for as long as I needed."