Chasing Charlie [REWRITE]

Chapter Nine

Charlie

"Did the hospital make you feel better like mum makes people feel better?" Olivia asks, her eyes wide and curious, hand tugging mine as we cross the street towards the playground near the station.

It's been just over three weeks since I've seen her and feels like forever ago since we've had a conversation longer than a few words. She's been so busy adjusting to the move and starting Year 1 and a new school and everything else that there hasn't been much time for talking. Between my attacks and everything else, I haven't had time for my baby sister. The thought of neglecting my own sister these past two months makes me feel sick.

I feel a deep pain in my stomach at the mention of mum. "A bit," I tell Olivia, not wanting to go into further details. She doesn't understand and it's better that way.

Thankfully she's oblivious to my vague answer and instead lets my hand go, to run towards her school friends, the second our feet reach the other side of the road. I let out a sigh and make my way towards an empty bench in between the playground and the park gym. I sit down and just look around at all the kids playing, huge smiles on their faces, some still in school uniform, others in mismatched, brightly coloured clothes. Olivia's running around with a group of kids, playing some kind of game they invented. She looks happy and I'm glad she doesn't seem to understand everything that's happened within the last two months.

It feels weird to be out in the world again after three weeks. I don't feel like the same person who went into the hospital but I'm not exactly Charlie again. They put me on some type of anti-anxiety medication, the name too long to remember. I wouldn't say I feel better but it feels so good not to be consumed with as much panic. I haven't had an attack in about nine days and that itself feels like an achievement of sorts. But I feel so tired most of the time, that it's hard to motivate myself to do anything.

Thankfully I don't have to go back to school for another three weeks. Prelims are next week and although I've been at school for a couple of weeks, I've missed too much school to sit them with everybody else. Although, part of me feels glad I won't be trapped inside a giant hall with hundreds of others, the thought of having to catch up on a mass of schoolwork, doesn't exactly sound appealing either. And when Prelims are done, we have a two week Easter holiday break until Term 2 starts up at the end of April.

I turn to look towards the park gym to my right, remembering when I used to spend hours a week training. I played for the school team and the local team and even got into the state team one year. Every day I did some form of exercise. Some days I'd go on a run with dad around the neighbourhood. Other days, I'd play a game or two with the boys at the park. Or if I didn't feel like going out, I'd set up my own training circuit or obstacle course in my backyard.

I hadn't done any exercise whatsoever since that last game, right before I came home to that nightmare. I could tell my body didn't feel as good as it used to. The muscles I used to have on my body disappeared and left behind lanky limbs instead. I look like a shell compared to that girl on my Instagram.

There were so many people on the exercise machines. The council was smart to implement these free outdoor gyms in parks people frequented. I loved going to the one in Newcastle as Olivia played on the playground beside it. Dad would always tag along if he had a light day at work or was in a phase of trying to get fit. I'd love pushing him to his limits as he'd do the same to me. Mum always hated how much we stank afterwards and used to make us shower before we were allowed to eat dinner, as punishment. 

I feel the sadness wash over me as I remember the simple things we used to go together. I can't keep the memories away and they seem to consume me in just about everything I do. I don't want to forget them but sometimes I just want a break from my head. I want to stop the memory from playing out just so I can have one moment were I'm not upset.