Chasing Charlie [REWRITE]

Chapter Five

Charlie

The random song blasting through my earphones that Spotify recommended to me, does nothing to drown the depressed thoughts swirling through my head. The morning couldn't get worse, yet I know it will be once I arrive at school.

Olivia and I have been with Margaret for three weeks now and the one-month anniversary is in a few days. I won't lie and say it's gotten easier since every day is still a struggle. Crying hasn't stopped, although I think my exhaustion has finally caught up to my eyes and they don't cry as often. The past month has blended together into a blackhole of misery that I don't wish on anyone, even though I don't remember much of it.

The navy-blue patterned skirt and white button-up feels foreign on my body. School hasn't been an option for me like it has been for Olivia. The psychologist I've been seeing, since the move, has done one thing right by allowing me to miss out on three weeks of it. My emotions are on a rollercoaster at the moment without throwing Year 11 onto that.

Starting a new school won't be simple either. Everyone knows. I won't be able to hide. I don't know anyone and I don't want to befriend anyone. Nobody gets it. I'll get lost and one of my breathing attacks, which I learnt recently are called panic attacks, will occur. I can already feel the panic start and my breathing quickens.

Margaret pulls up by the main entrance and I'm struggling to maintain the storm brewing in my chest. I'm only here for half a day today to try it out, another thing the psychologist suggested. Yet the panic of a new environment is very real and I can't stand the thought of getting out of this car.

"Hey Charlie, it'll be alright. Everyone is really lovely and understanding," Margaret turns to face me from the front seat and grabs one of my hands.

I want to believe her, I really do. But fuck, I'm not even supposed to be here. I hate that I'm living in the past, something I never used to do, but I want my old life back. My mum should be dropping me off, like she always did before work. She'd smile at me that loving smile and wish me a good day. I'd give her a quick hug and I love you before running towards my friends by the school gate.

Tears burst out of my eyes at the thought of my mum and everything around me blurs. I feel my breathing quicken and I'm making that horrid sound again. My chest feels unbearably tight and my surroundings have disappeared from in front of me.

The panic that was inside takes over me and I can't fucking move because of it. My breathing gets worse once I realise I'm frozen and I start to feel the snot flowing from my nose. My chest is so tight yet the rest of me doesn't feel anything. It isn't long before I can't hear Margaret talking to me or the horrid noise my throat is making.

I wish I could control the panic that washes over me before it morphs into this. I'm angry at myself that the thought of school made me overreact. I hate that I'm making Margaret's life difficult. I'm angry that every little thing sets me off into panic mode. And I hate that as much as I miss my parents, I just want the sadness to disappear.

The thought of school doesn't settle in my mind and the attack goes on for a while. Time doesn't feel the same when I'm in that state. The world around me disappears completely and time seems to slow.

The daily occurrence of these attacks has taught me to not fight them like I used to. When the panic begins to spread throughout me, there is a point where I just need to let the attack make it's way through like a storm going through a city. I hate that I can't do anything to stop it completely once I'm panicking but there's nothing else I can do. Once the panic starts, I'm trapped until it's over.

Exhaustion weaves its way through my body as I start to see my surroundings again. The music playing through my earphones starts to make sense and I can see Margaret's worried eyes on me. My chest still aches as I'm sucking in deep breathes of air to decrease the headache I've started to feel and the burning of my lungs. I feel my heart rate decrease and the intense panic has started to fade.