Built for Ruin | Dazai Osamu

三

"Last year nothing happened

The year before nothing happened

And the year before that nothing

 happened."

― Osamu Dazai

I stared at the empty washi on my chabudai* as I reached for my quill. It was a chilly night. Thoughts of sorrow ravaged my mind as I approached my writing utensil to the paper. When it touched it, words filled with pain started appearing one after another, slowly piecing together into a new world. One in which I could finally be free of sorrow. Free of pain. Free of life. I could fly around, waiting to be taken into the other world. The scenery was breathtaking. I could feel the air passing through my empty body as I stared down at the people living their everyday lives. I finally felt like I'd fulfilled my only purpose: to die without feeling any pain.

It was great, I loved the feeling of emptiness for the first time in my life. I could finally be nothing and everything at the same time-

"Oi, Shitty Dazai!" I was interrupted by a sleepy ginger suddenly opening the shoji* to my room. "Why the fuck aren't you asleep yet??" He asked in a tired tone.

"Sorry, Chibi, I'm just working, see?" I pointed at the washi in front of me, still holding my quill. "This late at night?" He looked a bit confused. "Yeah, it's when I have the best ideas after all!"

He looked at me unimpressed as he approached me. "Whatever." he mumbled. I was surprised to see him kneel next to me. "Can you maybe teach me how to read and write?" He asked suddenly.

I looked at him confused. "You don't know how?! I knew you were dumb but not to this extent-" I got interrupted by a hit on my shoulder. "Shut up, damn it. You know what, nevermind." He said, getting up and heading outside. I quickly grabbed his wrist and pulled him down. He lost his balance and fell on my lap. I hugged his waist, making him unable to move. "O-oi- What do you think you're doing-" he asked flustered. "I was just kidding, Chibi. Of course I'll teach you! Let's start now!" I said smiling and hugged him even tighter. I could see the blush on his face become even darker as I deepened the hug. 'Cute. Wait wait wait, WHAT?! Did I drink again-' "Dazai? Will you let go of me now?" He asked, pulling me out of my thoughts. "Y-yeah! It's not like I'd want a slug like you sitting in my lap." I said, smirking. "Then let go, bastard!" he yelled. I just realized that I was still holding my grip on his waist. I slowly loosened it and he immediately jumped away.

He sat beside me again and looked at the now written washi in front of us. "What does it say?" he asked curiously. He looked so adorable, I just wanted to hug him again and never let go-

"Are you okay? You're spacing out." He said with a worried voice. "Maybe we should do this tomorrow." He suggested. I shook my head 'no' and I stared at the words I've written. Weirdly enough, those words weren't describing my feelings at that moment anymore. I cringed at what I wrote and threw the washi away. "Let's start from scratch!" I said happily. "Why did you throw it? I wanted to know what it said."

"Don't worry your little brain about it." I said grinning and ruffling his hair. "What did you say, bastard?!" He yelled frowning. I laughed at the sudden outburst and expected a hit. It never came. I looked at him surprised. "Can we just start already?" he asked impatiently.

"Yes yes." I said, bringing out more washi. I taught him some base words and their pronunciations. It went smoothly for a while, the ginger was a fast learner from what I've witnessed. After some more hours, I realized that Chuuya had fallen asleep, his head resting on nothing. I smiled and gently placed his head on my shoulder. This should be more comfortable for him.

For the first time in years, I finally fell asleep and had no nightmares.

I woke up hours later. I felt a weight on my lap. I looked down and saw a sleeping ginger resting his head on my chest, breathing slowly. I hugged him and he snuggled in my chest even further. I decided to let him sleep, so I just stared at his sleeping figure on my chest. I wished this moment never ended, but I heard knocks on my door. I knew exactly who it was. I laid the ginger on the tatami on my floor and went to the door.

"Odasaku! This is not really a good time. Can you leave for today? I promise I'll eat later in the day!" I said as he looked at me with a look of doubt plastered on his face. "How can I believe you." "A suicidal man like me would never lie about such things!" I said, putting a hand on my chest.

"Fine, but if anything happens, don't hesitate to contact me." I smiled and closed the door. Seems like our conversation was loud enough to wake up the ginger.

"Who was that?" he asked, raising an eyebrow. "Don't tell me you were talking to yourself." He smirked. "Oh, good morning Chuuya! Sorry, could you say that again? You're just so short I couldn't hear you." "HA?! BASTARD TAKE THAT BACK" He yelled as he started chasing me throughout my minka*. I haven't had this much fun ever since I was only 3 years old! Teasing this little ginger really was the best.

After we were both worn out from running all day, we collapsed in the hallway, too tired to even crawl to our rooms. "Ah, I'm wasted." Chuuya cried out, banging his head on the floor underneath us. I was still panting from our cat-chase, as I was never athletic myself.

Minutes later, I noticed chibi had fallen asleep again. I smiled and pulled him closer to my chest, falling asleep not long after.

I would be lying if I said I was still thinking of ending it all. Maybe I can finally learn how to be human. 

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Chabudai - a short-legged table used in traditional Japanese homes.

Shoji - Japanese Shōji, in Japanese architecture, sliding outer partition doors and windows made of a latticework wooden frame and covered with a tough, translucent white paper.

Minka - Minka, or traditional Japanese houses, are characterized by tatami mat flooring, sliding doors, and wooden engawa verandas. Another aspect that persists even in Western-style homes in Japan is the genkan, an entrance hall where people remove footwear.