Built for Ruin | Dazai Osamu

七

"My eyes would swim in my head, and the whole world grow dark before me, so that I felt half out of my mind."

― Osamu Dazai

Ever since I welcomed him into my life, the world didn't seem as bad of a place as I remembered it being. The things I used to think were annoying and dull now brought me immeasurable joy. I guess they weren't lying when they said love changes people. The sorrow-filled nights were now over. Instead of writing out my thoughts, I now slept peacefully in my lover's arms. I started eating more regularly and stopped my self-harm. My thoughts of suicide were now replaced by a certain ginger. I knew I could count on him for everything, which really eased my existence a lot.

Oda still came to visit a lot, but it didn't bother me as much. Chuuya had told me to cherish every good deed that is made for my sake, and so I started doing so. I slowly began to realize how much they've all done for me. I felt bad since I couldn't return the favors but they all just told me that if I'm alive it's enough. I truly don't deserve this. I, who am not human, get treated exactly like the others. How ironic.

Atsushi asked me to be his mentor since he wants to write more books. I, of course, agreed. He did save me from my own demise. He's been coming over twice a week for more writing lessons, and he's been improving by a lot. While we had guests, Chuuya would prepare food and make everything easier for us. I'm so very grateful for that.

At some point, I started writing a book named "Azure". In it, I described every feeling that bloomed inside me every time I stared into my lover's cobalt eyes, the warm feeling that I get when we connect lips or go to sleep snuggled up, his short temper, his porcelain skin, his beautiful aroma, his brute strength, his determination to keep me alive and well, everything that made him Chuuya.

Everyday I always woke up earlier than him just to stare at his beautiful sleeping figure. This time around though, when I woke up, he wasn't there. Nothing was, in fact. The moment I opened my eyes, all I could see was black. There was nothing around me. It was cold. Too cold. I got up and slowly made my way through the darkness. It was in vain. I walked for what felt like years. I didn't get anywhere. I could feel my body starting to tremble as I fell to my knees. Have I finally done it? Is this the death I've always desired? If it is, then why do I feel like I've lost something valuable. Why do I feel upset? I thought I wanted this. No, I needed this. I needed this so bad. It was my life goal. My only one. To die peacefully. And so I did. I did, so why do I feel this way. Why??

I started feeling dizzy, so I closed my eyes for a while. The moment I opened them, I was lying down. I wasn't in the darkness anymore. Instead, I was looking at white. White was surrounding me. It was blinding. I shifted my gaze around me and I realized I was in a hospital room. Have I passed out? How am I still alive? A wave of relief washed over my body as I kept staring at the white ceiling.

After a while, a familiar face entered the room. Oda sat down next to me and looked fairly disappointed. I felt a dark mood emanating from him, so I tried lifting it up a bit.

"Yo, Oda! How late you are to take me out, huh?" I asked with a smile. I then noticed how hard it was for me to move my body. I wasn't sure what happened. Why was I in a hospital bed?

"I was coming to take you out when I found you lying on the floor with an empty bottle of pills at hand." He said, looking at me with an icy gaze. My eyes widened. I don't remember doing that. Chuuya threw all of my drugs away in fear that I will try and kill myself with them. Then it hit me.

"Where's Chuuya?" I asked in a panicked voice. Oda looked at me confused and, after a while, pulled out a book and handed it to me. The cover was a light orange with a red line on it, and it read 'The Poems of Nakahara Chuuya'. I stared in disbelief. Did he become a writer while I was in a coma??

"Is this what you were talking about?" asked Oda with a straight face. I stared at it for a bit, then looked back at the person on my left. "How long have I been asleep for?" I asked him. He looked at me and stood silent. "For about seven months." I stared at him in shock. Seven months ago I met the ginger and asked him to live with me. Seven months ago my life started to have a meaning. Seven months ago I met my reason to live. Seven months ago...

...

Seven months ago I overdosed. Seven months ago I tried killing myself. Seven months ago I fell into a deep coma. Chuuya was just a fragment of my imagination. Everything I've felt until that day was all in my head. Chuuya was an author of a book I read before overdosing. I could remember it all now. I was thinking of meeting that genius poet. I was dreaming about it. I was imagining everything. Everything that I've felt these past seven months was a lie. My will to live vanished. It was over. I wanted to die more than ever. I swiftly got out of my bed, pulling out the nails in my skin that were sending fluids in my body, and ran as fast as I could to my last destination. I was barefoot so every step of the way hurt. But it didn't matter. It will be over soon.

I arrived at the Yokohama bridge and stared down at the water. This brought back so many memories from my coma. How Chuuya cried when figuring out I tried drowning myself. How we comforted each other with a simple touch of our skin. I would never feel that again. With anyone. It was all a dream. I knew it was too good to be true, and yet, I wanted to believe it was. How pitiful. How awfully stupid.

I was standing on the edge, ready to give it all up. I took in the gorgeous scenery around me and stared at the sky. It reminded me of him. I could feel my heart throb in my chest. I was really broken.

"Oi, what do you think you're doing?" I heard a voice. I didn't turn around. I didn't care who it was. I took my final step. I felt cold air blowing my chocolate hair as I waited for the impact. To my surprise, I fell backwards on the hard ground.

"Ow- the hell are you doing, bastard?!" I heard a voice underneath me. I realized that someone saved me. They pulled me and I fell on them. I immediately got up and stared at the figure. They were fairly short and were wearing a kind of modern outfit. He also wore a kind of ugly hat, but who am I to judge.

He finally got up and we locked eyes. When that happened, my heart sunk. Two azure eyes were glaring at me. He looked ethereal, his auburn hair framing his porcelain face perfectly.

"The fuck were you doing? Are you trying to die or something??" He asked annoyed.

"Yes." I answered sternly. His eyebrows furrowed. He grabbed my wrist and started pulling me in the opposite direction of the hospital I was running from. Is he the Chuuya I remember? No, impossible, this is just a coincidence. Right?

We arrived at a modest minka and he motioned me to sit down on the stairs which led to the door. I did as told and he sat beside me. "You're Dazai Osamu, right?" He asked. I looked at him with wide eyes. Did he read my books? Maybe, but, how does he know what I look like? I don't show my face a lot.

"I know this is going to sound weird but," he paused for a while and then continued "I've seen you in my dreams before." He said with a faint blush as he looked away. I could feel my heart skip a beat. Did we connect through our dreams?? How's that even possible?!

After I realized the situation, I immediately pulled him into a warm embrace. It really was him. I found him. I found him and I'll never let him go again.

I cupped his face and kissed his soft lips. It was even better than what I've dreamt of. His lips tasted like wine and cigarettes. I enjoyed it to the last bit. He kissed me back and our lips danced together in total harmony. I've never believed in faith before, but I felt like this was meant to be. What other explanation is there for our dreams if not that the universe was trying to bring us together?

We soon parted for air and smiled at each other. I've missed this warmth he gave me. I'm so happy that this is real. I hugged him tightly, afraid that he'd disappear again, and he hugged me back after some time. The sun was setting slowly as we admired the scenery. We were holding hands and enjoying each other's presence.

Soon after that, he kissed my cheek and started getting up. I quickly pinned him down on the floor and smirked. He looked as red as a tomato and tried moving his gaze away from me. I rested my head on his chest. "God, I fucking love you..." I said in a low voice. I heard him chuckle as he started patting my head.

"I love you too, Osamu."