Built for Ruin | Dazai Osamu

五

"I like roses best. But they bloom in all four seasons. I wonder if people who like roses best have to die four times over again."

― Osamu Dazai

I looked up as raindrops slowly made their way onto my pale face. I stood on the edge of the bridge, admiring the place I've lived in most of my life. I took a deep breath as I shifted my gaze to the water underneath. This was it. As rain started tangling in with my chocolate locks, I looked at the sky one last time. 'I wonder what he'll think when he finds out...' I took a final step in the air and waited to be consumed by the water underneath. I passed out at the impact, which is good. I would've hated suffering in my last moments. I let the darkness surround me, welcoming in any sort of shinigami to come and take me to the other world where I would stop feeling the pain of being alive. For a moment, there was nothing. Then, a faint white light appeared in the distance. I figured that was the way to the other world. I didn't wait to sprint in the direction of the light. As I took my final step, I suddenly felt pain spread all over my body. I closed my eyes from the sudden feeling, and when I opened them, I realized I wasn't in the water anymore. I stared up and saw the blue sky sending down water drops that gently caressed my face. It's like it was trying to comfort me from another failed suicide attempt.

I looked around and realized I wasn't alone. Beside me kneeled a white-haired boy. His hair was cut in a weird way, his bangs not being the same length, and a long strand of hair was falling on his right side, a black strip tangling in with it. He was wet all over, he looked like he just got out of the river. Then it hit me. This boy saved me. I slowly got up in a sitting position as the boy stared at me with fear plastered across his face.

"A-are you alright?" he asked, scared. "I didn't die...tch." He looked surprised, and then his expression changed into one of annoyance. "TCH?!"

I looked at him with a bored expression. "So you were the one who saved me from my suicide attempt?" He then widened his eyes. "S-suicide attempt?!" "Yes," I answered sitting up. "I was trying to die, don't you get it? But it seems I've disturbed you, and that isn't what I want to do while moving to the other world. I'm sorry to have startled you."

The boy got up on his feet. He looked horrible. His clothes were ripped and dirty, and he looked thin as if he hadn't eaten in months. He stared at me in awe, lost in thought.

"What's your name, boy?" I asked him with a smile. "Nakajima Atsushi..." My eyes widened. Isn't he an author as well?? What the hell happened to him. "Well then, Nakajima Atsushi-kun, my name is Dazai, Dazai Osamu." I said with a grin. His eyes widened. "D-Dazai Osamu?! The Author??!" He asked, shocked. "Why yes, now then, you did save me so I guess I'll have to repay you somehow." As I said that, his stomach growled. "Are you hungry?" I asked him with a smile. He was about to answer when my stomach growled even louder. "What a coincidence! I'm just as hungry!" The boy's eyes looked full of hope "Well then maybe we could eat-" "Oh yeah, my wallet fell in the river." I said while showing him my empty pockets. He sighed loudly. "...Nevermind then..." He said turning around. I then had the best idea.

"Atsushi-kun! I know how to make it up to you!" I said as he turned around. "R-really?" I smiled at him and grabbed his wrist. I started pulling him towards an acquaintance's house. When we arrived, I knocked at the door twice. When it opened, we were met with two reddish-brown eyes.

"Odasaku~ I need a favor to ask you!" I said as I shoved the white-haired boy in front of me. "Could you maybe take him in? I know you love taking care of orphans and he deserves a home!" I said smiling brightly. Oda sighed as he motioned the boy to come in. I waved them both goodbye and headed to my own house. When I opened the door, I was met with a sweet smell. I walked over to the kitchen just to see Chuuya wearing a pink apron and making what seemed to be pancakes. He looked absolutely stunning. He also had his hair tied up in a bun which made him look even better. I approached him slowly and wrapped my hands around his waist. He yelped at the sudden action and elbowed my ribs. "Get off bastard, I might burn you." He said, wiggling his spatula in the air. "Aww~ Chibi really is my housewife!" I said still holding him in my embrace. He scoffed and turned the pancake in the pan.

After some time, I sat down at my seat, waiting for my little ginger to bring me my food. He placed a plate in front of me. I smiled and thanked him for the food before starting to eat. I could feel his cold stare on me, so after some minutes of silence, I finally asked. "Is there something bothering you?" He looked at me with icy cold eyes. It pierced into my soul. "You tried it again." He said, not moving his gaze, his striking blue eyes emitting anger and sorrow. My eyes widened. How did he know? My wet clothes would have easily been made by the rain outside, so how? "Aww~ so chibi does care about me-" "Of course I fucking do, bastard." he interrupted. I could feel something in my chest. It was a dark feeling, like my whole stomach turned upside down. Is this what humans call... a heartbreak?

I stood silent, still trying to understand what was causing me to have this dreading feeling, when I saw something that made it even worse. Chuuya's ocean eyes were letting out waterfalls as I realized he was waiting for my return all this time with food on the table while I was about to leave him alone in this sinful world...

'I really am an idiot.'

I got up and rushed to take him in my arms. I didn't care if I created a mess due to my wet clothes, I just wanted to hold him close, to reassure him that I will never leave. He buried his face in my chest and started weeping. I stroked his auburn curls as I started humming a song. I just wanted him to relax and forget about what had happened. I couldn't bear to see him cry. It hurt too much.

After some time, he stopped crying and looked up at me with a determined yet saddened look. "Promise me you won't do it again." I looked at him with a shocked expression but then tried shaking it off. "But chibi~ you know I can't-" "Just promise me, goddammit!" he half yelled. I hugged him tighter and smiled softly "Ok, I promise." He finally smiled back and rested his head on my chest. I could never leave him. Never.