Ghost In You & Me

Part of Me.. Part of You

“I’m already falling in love with you.”

This is the first time Rosé sees Jisoo like this. Eyes widen so big because of surprise and her mouth is wide open. If the situation is not so serious Rosé will laugh but right now she’s busy calming down her heartbeat, trying hard not to look too nervous.

Jisoo doesn’t say anything for a long, long time until finally she turns around slowly. She puts one of her elbow in the table while her other hand grabs the table. Rosé sees the girl blank expression a lot of time but this time it’s different. The expression is the same as usual but the eyes, the eyes seems to bore into her soul and it takes everything for Rosé to not look away.

“You’re right.” Jisoo’s voice comes out slowly and not louder than a whisper. Despite those and the loudness of the background song, Rosé still can hear it clearly. “You are right. I’m scared of loving.” Jisoo moves her head to inhales her cigarette and blows the smoke. “Loving somebody is like you give them your heart, let them hold it in their hand, and give them control to keep it or to ruin it. It’s scary, Chaeng.”

“I know, Soo” Rosé’s voice comes out shaky but she needs to let this out. “I know how scary that is. Trust me I know, because right now you’re holding my heart in your hand.”

Jisoo blinks. Her eyes still looks straight to Rosé’s soul but they soften. Her hand that grabs the table slowly moves into the table surface, turns around so the palm faces up, and Jisoo looks at it softly.

Rosé’s eyes also fall to that hand and she can sees a part of her, beating rapidly and begging to stay. Rosé wants to touch that hand but she knows it won’t make the situation better so she just puts her hand close to it. Close but feels so far.

“Falling in love can be scary.” Rosé begins softly, willing her voice not to crack, “Both of us know that and I…I understand if you don’t trust me with your heart.” Jisoo’s eyes move to Rosé’s face but the latter keeps her eyes down, “You saw me after all. You saw when I was at my lowest. You saw what I did with his heart. But I promise myself…I promise myself I won’t make a same mistake twice.”

Rosé takes a deep breath and lifts her face up, looking at Jisoo. She wants to moves her eyes down again but the softness in the bartender eyes gives her courage to keep holding the gaze and continues, “Please think about it first and if in the end…if in the end you decided you can’t trust me with your heart” her voice falters for a second, “If…if that…well, at least you think and at least I try, I can’t force you to love me after all. So take your time, just take your time. I will be waiting.”

Jisoo’s head moves slightly, a nod. Rosé lets out a shaky smile and begins to get up. Well, she already does what she can and she can’t force this girl to do something she doesn’t want to. Rosé’s hand clumsily grabs the owner purse, looking for her wallet. Before she able to finds it, Jisoo touches the barely touched martini with her cigarette and says, “My treat this time.”

Rosé lets out another shaky smile and with a second hesitation she squeezes Jisoo’s hand slightly and begins to leave the club. Not once she looks back, afraid of what she will see if she does that, and because of that Rosé doesn’t know Jisoo watches her back leaving even until she long disappear from the bartender sight.

***

Wind blows gently, asking whomever that want to dance to dance with it. Some answer its invitation, like grass that moves gently to the right and to the left, but some don’t and just stay still, like stones. Like gravestone at cemetery.

Jisoo puts flowers and kneels at one of the gravestone. Her hand strokes it gently.

“Hey there. It’s been a while since the last time I came here, isn’t it? I’m sorry. Do you miss me? Unnie miss you, Nini. So much.”

Jisoo traces the name at the gravestone. Both of them are not women of words and talking never their strong point, but right now there are a lot of things she wants to say to her sister. Too many, she doesn’t know where to start.

“How are you, Nini?” Jisoo begins awkwardly. “I’m…well, I can’t say I’m fine yet but I’m better. Yeah, these days I feel better.” Jisoo smiles softly, “But if you see me these past few years, I wonder what you will do. I can imagine it actually. You will yell at me and I will retaliate. We ended up yelling at each other, and then along the way we will cry, wordlessly forgive each other, ended up throwing jokes at each other, and laugh until we can’t laugh anymore. All happen just in 1 or 2 hours, like usual. And you said I’m bipolar. You’re not different Kim Jennie.”

Jisoo lets out a soft laugh that turns into sigh second later but the soft smile never leaves her face, “I’m sorry. I’m really sorry for not being a good sister but somebody told me rather than blame myself and feel guilty about it, it’s better if I do something to make up for it and that’s what I will do. That’s what I’m trying to do but I still don’t know how yet. I will find how though so you don’t need to worry. This Unnie of yours won’t trap in the past anymore. This Unnie of yours will move on but she will never forget you.”

Jisoo slowly stands and stretches her body. Her eyes never leave her sister’s graveyard and her mouth never stops it smiles. “We will see each other again, Nini, and when that happen let’s talk until we can’t talk anymore. Let’s ridicule each other, let’s insult each other until we don’t have words to say anymore. You and I know despite our incapability of showing feelings with words, we’re the best at use them to annoy others” Jisoo lets out a chuckle, “But it will take a while though, for us to meet again, so I hope you will be patient. I love you, Jennie.”

With one last smile, Jisoo puts on her sunglasses and begins to walk away. A gentle breeze comes past her and slightly pushes her forward.

***

In bookshelf, in closet, in night stand, in vanity.

Jisoo takes out all the scrapbooks Nini gave her and puts them all in dining table. She arches her eyebrow, there are actually a lot. Even since Jisoo’s 15th birthday, Nini made a ritual to gave her a scrapbook full of photos and her handwriting. The early scrapbooks poetries are really lame though. Jisoo remembers laughed out loud when she read it, much to Nini annoyance, but when her little sister was asleep Jisoo came to her room and whispered a thank you and I love you.

Jisoo throws herself into a dining chair, lights up her cigarette, takes one random scrapbook, and flips it open. A photo of Bugs welcomes her. Jisoo nearly screams and flips it to next page quickly, cursing her sister in her mind. She’s able to catch what her sister wrote on that page though. One of the best ways to overcome your fear is live with your fear and you will realize that fear only live in your mind.

That’s maybe right but Jisoo sure her sister putted that photo just to tease her. At least the next page is better, a photo of Jisoo slept while standing in a bus stop. A flip to the next page. A photo of them lying in the snow. Another flip. Photos of them make stupid faces to the camera. Another flip. And another. And another. Photos of them laughing, photos of them together with their family, friends, or just both of them, stupid photos of Jisoo that Nini took secretly. Jisoo smiles softly while she’s been thrown back into the memories. Another flip. A photo of some scrapbooks Nini made and some things Jisoo gave to her. This is the only photo that doesn’t have living things in it. Jisoo eyes turn to the words below it.

We always said together forever but there’s a limit on it. We can’t always be there physically that’s why let’s keep pieces of each other within ourselves so there always me in you.

“Let’s keep pieces of each other within ourselves.” Jisoo’s voice whispers to the room. “Pieces of each other.” These words and books are Nini pieces for Jisoo to keep, but what are Jisoo pieces for Nini to keep?

Like on cue, Jisoo gets up from the chair and run to her bedroom, taking a pen. She gets back to the chair and puts off her cigarette. Her hand grabs the first scrapbook Nini gave her and turns it to the first page. The photo of her holding baby Nini and two sentences below the photo. You’re my protector, my shield. The one that always guard me in the darkness and in the light. Jisoo pen hovers in the air for a while before she writes; I want to be your shield, your unbreakable shield that always there for you, unbreakable shield that always protects you.

Jisoo inwardly flinches. This is lame versus lame. Maybe she just needs to be blunt and straightforward like usual, that are more her style after all. She flips into the next page. Her eyes look at the sentences. Don’t know what to write, flip to another page. A photo of them playing in the beach. Let’s the wave takes us to wherever it goes, as long we’re together there’s nothing we can’t handle. Jisoo pen touches the paper. The wave meets another wave. Another wave meets another another wave. As long we keep holding on they can’t break us.

Sounds of scratches are being made because tip of a pen touches the paper. Sounds of paper been flipped. Sound of books been closed. Sounds of another books been opened. Jisoo doesn’t know how long she sits there and writes. Buries herself in a world of words and pictures.

(A photo of them in front of a food truck with empty bowls around them. Nini forced her to join a team eating competition with her and somehow they won.)

We both know we’re stronger when we’re together. So let’s be together until the end.

Until the end and beyond. Because in the end there are only you and me. And don’t worry I remember my promise. I will mail the food truck to the heaven for you, just not now.

(Two photos of them holding each other. One is when they were kids, Jisoo has her arms around her smaller little sister. The other one is when they much older, Nini has her arms around her smaller big sister.)

Since you’re always on my side I feel secure. I’m also on your side so let’s stop crying and keep laughing.

It’s because we’re always on each other side we can keep laughing and see, I told you to stop call me midget. There was a time when I was taller than you.

(She’s back to the photo of scrapbooks and things she gave Nini.)

We always said together forever but there’s a limit on it. We can’t always be there physically that's why let’s keep pieces of each other within ourselves so there always me in you.

The memories and some part of you are always with me and I wrote this down so this will not only be pieces of you but also pieces of me. These are pieces of us.

(A photo of her with her first boyfriend and photos of her with her sister and family, smiling and laughing.)

Just because love not always kind to you doesn’t mean you should give up on it. Give up on love then you give up on something really important.

Jisoo remembers this. This is when she had her first break up. She remembers how sad she was and she remembers how hard Nini and people around her tried to cheer her up.

Just because love not always kind to you doesn’t mean you should give up on it. Give up on love then you give up on something really important.

Jisoo underlines the word love. Without thinking to, she draws a small heart below the line and a hand below the heart.

You’re holding my heart in your hand.

Jisoo puts her pen down and lays her hand on the table. She turns it around so the palms face up. She looks at it for a long time and her thumb slowly moves, rubbing an invisible (Rosé’s) thing (heart) on it. She lifts her palm slowly and puts it at her chest, right above her heart.

One of the best ways to overcome your fear is live with your fear.

Jisoo closes her eyes for a while and opens them softly. She gets up, grabs her jacket, and turns to the main door. She turns off the light and leaves her apartment but the words and the pieces called family still stay in that place. 

***

DING DONG. DING DONG

“Coming!” yells Rosé. She hurriedly puts a bathrobe over her sleeping attire and rushes to the main door.

DING DONG. DING DONG. DING DONG. DING DONG

“I said I’m coming!!” What kind of crazy person dare to disturb her sleeps and visit her apartment at, Rosé looks at the clock, 11 p.m.!? Oh, whoever this is they will surely get it from her.

DING DONG. DING DONG. DING DONG. DING DONG DING DONG. DING DONG. DING DONG. DING DONG DING DONG. DING DONG. DING DONG.

Rosé opens the door harshly, mouth more than ready to yells and lashes out, only to stop dead at her track when she sees whom it is. There’s no mirror but she knows she’s gaping and usually the newcomer will tease her for that. She doesn’t do it though, the newcomer just looks at her (is that shyness Rosé sees in her eyes?) and nervously plays with her cigarette. When she realizes she’s staring, Rosé quickly composes herself and breaks into a wide, really wide, smile.

“Hi there, Soo.”