A Fresh Start

Chapter 24-End of July 2015

TK

I've cried a lot in my life, but I think half of it was this summer. None of it is Ryan's fault; it's all on me.

I can't seem to figure out a path that doesn't seem like a trap that will lead me to get hurt.

My parents think we're doing the right thing.

"If you don't think you can do a long-distance relationship, then you shouldn't do one TK," said Mom the morning after our conversation. I didn't mean to tell them everything, but she says I was a disaster that morning from all the crying. That night was the only night I think we both regretted having sex. I kept crying after the first time, and Ryan passionately said it was ok, but I could tell he wished he hadn't done it. Our emotions were too high strung for it to be anything but painful.

We had to have an awkward conversation with our closest friends the following day, and they were divided.  Trevor understood. Jamie did not. Sarah thought we were just scared, but in the end, it was our relationship. 

Ryan and I spent the next several weeks together whenever we could. Pretty much every day except when he and his family went to Disneyland to celebrate his graduation, they do a trip each time one of them graduates. My family thankfully planned our trip to Oregon that same week. Uncle Brian thought we were being dumb kids, and I cried myself to sleep that night. The next morning he said he was wrong and that we were doing the smart thing. I'm sure Dad had some words with him for that one.

Ryan and I went to Denver a couple of times for concerts and art shows. We spent afternoons hiking in the mountains close to town and nights with our friends talking and laughing.

I had been so focused on Ryan, and I almost missed the fact that I was losing all of my closest friends in August. I have friends on the soccer and hockey teams, sure, but I only hang out with them when the crew is busy. Thankfully, Student Council's basically a friendship factory, so I'll bank on that this year to help me survive.

We spent July 4th at a cookout with Trevor and his Mom, who's a big ally. We got to be affectionate in front of people, and it felt freeing. We didn't want it to end, and that's probably why we got caught having sex in a parking lot that night. If it wasn't for my friend Alex, we probably would have ended up in jail. At least that's what he told us to expect, so we had to be more careful.

Alex called me the next day to ask what was going through my usually carefully planned mind, and I confessed that I was overwhelmed by emotions and spilled all of my insecurities at his feet. Alex responded to the 911 call that got me pulled from my abusive father's home; he's seen me at my lowest, so he understood. His advice mirrored what my parents had said, so I felt a bit better. He told me to stop having sex in cars, and I laughed, knowing that probably wouldn't happen, least with Ryan.

On the last day of July, Ryan turned 19, and we had a massive blowout at my house. The plan was to celebrate all five birthdays that we'd miss during school, and it was amazing. Ryan had Harry Potter decorations to honor his big day, my parents added Halloween decorations for my birthday. Sarah is a Valentine's day baby, so she had a red dress on and was attached to Josh's hip. Trevor's birthday is in March; he wore green and a shamrock hat, and Jamie wore a flower dress for her April birthday. Only Ryan got presents, and he was so touched by everyone that came to the birthday/going away party for the four of them. Seniors from all walks of life came to that party to say goodbye to each other.

I'm enjoying the party. Watching Ryan explain his love of Harry Potter to anyone who would listen and marvel at the snitch cake that we ordered for him. I'm starting to feel overwhelmed about what's coming tomorrow. 

During his conversation with Jamie about Slytherin's  pros and cons, he catches my eye, and I nod towards the house.  He smiles, and I know he got the message.