Already Gone

11

george

TW: more suicidal themes. Guys, in all seriousness, I am here to vent, rant or just give as much support to anyone that needs it.

I was confused.

It wasn't unlike Dream to tease me, but to tease me whilst I was live, in front of a hundred thousand people, about a sensitive subject which was very personal, was. He had never made me feel vulnerable in a spiteful way like he had last week on stream. It hurt.

Not the type of hurt that I could sob about and set free, the type of hurt that weighed down on my shoulders, and stacked itself up over time. It didn't feel too bad now, but it would build up and up until it crushed me.

I had spent the past week questioning myself, my choices, my actions.

If I had pushed Dream away to the point that I had hurt him; if I had been trying to fake my happiness and pleasure for Dream; if I had lost all of the passion that came with life, then what was the point in life at all?

I used to think that being completely independent and bottling everything up was the best way to keep it. It felt more comfortable than having to actually let anyone in. Looking back, it was simply the easy option. It had gotten me in too deep, unable to escape.

I should have just talked. Talking felt like such a big deal, but in comparison to what it's like now, it was a stumble I could get by.

If only I had known.

I didn't know what to do, I didn't want to be anywhere anymore with anyone, but at the same time, I felt guilty. I had lured Dream into thinking that he was the answer to my problems when really, there wasn't one.

My phone had been permanently put in the top drawer of my bedside table, switched off, and locked away. I didn't want anything to do with it. I knew that when I did eventually turn it on, it would be flooded with messages from Dream and Sapnap since I had avoided discord as well.

I was still using my computer, though fairly infrequently. I wanted to space myself.

But now I felt like I had distanced myself to the point that it was probably affecting more people than just myself, and since I was already ruining all of my relationships, it wasn't worth leaving it any longer and ending it this way.

Dream would blame himself if he found out I was gone after ghosting him.

Sapnap would be broken.

The others, well, I couldn't imagine a reasonable scenario that would fit their real reaction. Our friendships were built upon banter, not love like Dream's and Sapnap's.

Rolling onto my front, I reached over to my side drawer and pulled out my phone. I watched as the screen brightened for the first time in over a week.

As soon as I unlocked it, a phone call from Dream came through, which I picked up on.

"George! Where have you been? I've been so worried, I thought you'd-" Dream started questioning. I cut him off before he could finish that sentence.

"Hi Dream." I didn't really know what to say, how to answer all the scraping questions he probably had.

"'Hi?' Is that all I get? Do you know how many times I've messaged - how many times I've called?" His voice was thick with concern.

"Yeah, I can see that just now. I needed to be alone. Like fully alone, not just physically. I thought it would help." I tried to explain in the vaguest way that he wouldn't question. I still didn't want to talk.

I didn't even know what I would say.

"Did it help? You could have told me before you went! You know I'm here for you, I only want you to be okay, right?"

Had it helped? Not really. Did I need to tell him that? Probably, but no.

"Yes, I feel a little better. My head feels cleared." Lie. My head was busier than ever.

He let out a sigh of relief from the other side of the phone.

"Okay, few. I thought something bad had happened to you. Like really bad. I was so worried Georgie." He sounded so soft, making me feel incredibly guilty.

"Dream I would never do something bad like that." I wanted to comfort him, but I probably didn't sound too convincing. "Not without telling you."

That was unnecessary.

"George you can't say that. You'll feel better one day, I promise. I'll help. I can help fix it." He was trying, he was trying so hard.

"Dream, you can't just say that. When? When will it get better?" My voice was cracking, the now familiar feeling of tears piercing my eyes - a month ago that was something I craved.

"I don't know. But please, trust the next chapter George. You are the author."

What he said stuck with me. I didn't really understand, but he was right. The only person that could really change how I was feeling was me, and I needed to have realized that a long time ago≥

He lied to me.

.✫*ﾟ･ﾟ｡.★.*｡･ﾟ✫*.

We sat on call for around another hour. The atmosphere had felt weird - like we were both trying to avoid the situation. I didn't want to talk, and apparently neither did he.

It left me confused. That was what I wanted, right? To be left alone with my thoughts and just carry on like nothing was happening. But now I felt like when I did finally open up, he wouldn't actually want to hear.

Why was I so problematic?

That call we had messed up my schedule majorly since it was around one in the morning by the time we rounded off. I immediately turned off my lights, wrapped the covers around my frail body, and tried to sleep, which was difficult because of my coiling thoughts.

I made a promise to myself that night. It was stupid, and I regret it now. I needed to get better. I needed to get better for Dream.

WORD COUNT: 1031

If you don't want to recover for yourself, you aren't going to properly recover. Find the will to get better in you, not for somebody else.

.✫*ﾟ･ﾟ｡.Vote please.*｡･ﾟ✫*.