a very personalized/silly attempt at regaining control of my life by ensuring i have a functioning/feasible/healthy morning routine because god knows i need some peace of mind lols.
also, a 21 day challenge for myself and anyone willing to join me.
...
So it's been a considerable few days since I proclaimed Project wake.up.before.the.sun, of which there have been many stressful days. Add to that the fact that I was mensing (lol) so it was like 'wow universe how u conspire against me tnx'.
(which is another discussion I would like to have: why prayer is not allowed when one is perioding)
So yeah, I know what you're saying, we can still make dua and we can still wake before dawn and obv we can still be good human beings but the fact is none of that happened and I felt a bit crummy because of that. So I figured, hey, let's make that chapter 1.
Jokes aside, I do think that the main reason people fall off the wagon is because excitement is very short-lived and so is motivation. But discipline — real, slap-in-the-face discipline — is what ultimately gets you from point A to B. and discipline sucks, lol. At least, it does when we're at the very beginning, having none of it.
Right now, I'll be honest: I feel I might not even make it through this challenge. Real crummy, like a soggy blanket in winter. And what's the point of a fancy book cover if all you've got is two teaspoons of motivation.
Which brings me to our poem of the day, and one of my most favourite poems ever. I read this so often I sometimes repeat it to myself when times are hard. It's wild geese by Mary Oliver.
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God bless the poets. How wonderful. Look at that: you do not have to be good. So often I find myself worrying that I am not good enough, not just for people but for myself, that I am not inherently good and good things will not happen to me. It's a rubbish thought, as most thoughts often are, but a thought is an idea is a seed that grows deep roots into your soul and you don't even realize. Oftentimes I wonder that I am 'pretending' to be good, that I am forcing a kind word, that I am trying to impress people, that I am lying to myself. When I do something stupid or make a mistake I think this is it. this is who I am. I proved it after all. (Utter rubbish, but what can you do.)
This poem is a comfort for me, because of that. Because apparently, I do not have to be good. It might sound contradictory to the overall purpose of this challenge but sometimes I find myself drowning under the pressure of being a 'good person' (whatever that is) that I feel bitter because of it. I don't think a lot of people admit this but it is hard, to be good. To be kind and polite and thoughtful, to others and to yourself. It does feel like walking barefoot through a desert sometimes.
Tell me about despair, and I'll tell you mine. Meanwhile, the world goes on.
I find that, in these times, it is helpful to zoom out. To look at the world as a collection of people and that the sun is the centre of our solar system, not you. To think that, no matter your happiness or your hurting, the world at large is blissfully unaware. The clouds will go on drifting. The wild geese will return home. Cows and sheep and goats will graze in the fields. We are but a small speck in a wonderfully vast universe. And though our actions may seem magnanimous and ultimate, they are, in fact, not. They are just actions and nothing more. A thing you decided to do. And you can still decide to do other things. The world will not pause for you. The world will not care.
To some of you, this may feel quite harsh, but I think it's rather relieving to feel that our 'good-ness' and 'bad-ness' will not decide the fate of the worlds just yet. You can release the breath you're holding and look around at the mountains of responsibility around you. The sorrows, the regrets. But they are smaller than the actual mountains of solid rock. You can untie the knot and put down the weight for just a minute. Have a seat. Wind your arms around your knees and look around. Look at how small you are. How quiet.
I know, religiously speaking, there is a lot of emphasis placed on 'being good'. I am not saying that you shouldn't strive to be so, but sometimes it feels like a competition and we lose the point. You may be the protagonist of your story, but you are also just a cog in a vast machine of human experience. You are not defined by your successes or your failures. Hard as it may be to dissociate, you are just a person who did some good things and some not-so-great things. That's all.
Having said that, I have had some not-so-great days. I will try again tomorrow. Even if I can't pray, I will see what I can do with a calm morning. inshaaAllah.
