Dopamine || Reid

CHAPTER EIGHT

HEELS ARE REALLY UNCOMFORTABLE. Maybe that's just because I'm not used to walking in them, but I've never really had an opportunity to. Until today that is. Penelope had ordered me to dress for a 'girls night out' which I can only assume that means dresses, skirts and heels- at least that's what the girls at university would wear when going out.

After a shower I must have spent an hour staring in my closet, each article of clothing seeming too dull. Finally with fifteen minutes until we are scheduled to meet I was forced to settled on an outfit. Pairing a long sleeved shirt under a buttoned dress that fell just at my knees, dark tights hiding the exposed skin of my legs-- and of course these horrible black heels. I thought they were cute when I found them at a local thrift shop, they were really inexpensive, and I will admit I maybe was feeling a little envious.

The buy was a spontaneous one. The shoes badge of honor that I can wear to symbolize independence I haven't had before.

Unfortunately my independence may just take away my ability to walk.

After the case in Scottsdale was closed Penelope took it upon herself to arrange a night where all the women of the office can get together- no guys allowed.

I've been stressed out about this night since the moment they introduced the idea. I still don't know them very well, and I don't want to risk growing more fond of the crew then I already have over the past two months. The pros and cons turned into an inner battle over the past few days. Making me more on edge than I already have been since his phone call.

If I go, I risk having a nice time. I still don't know the crew very well, I'd like to get to know them better but keeping an emotional distance is going to be difficult- especially if I begin to like them. Going would also take time away that could be spent working on the extra work Strauss gave me. I could be home tonight. Alone but safe. Alone is stable and constant. It's a privilege I don't get much of.

But ultimately I decided to go. If I didn't go it could raise eye brows. I need to be more personable, someone trustworthy in order tone fully excepted by the team. My history with Aaron, the banter between Derek and I, and the friendliness Spencer and I seem to share will only go so far. Even still, they can look in my direction the wrong way and I'll be back to square one. I think Penelope likes me, and I know Emily is just tolerating my presence. I still don't know where I stand with Rossi, and JJ.

But even now as I near the local market we agreed to meet at, I can't come to peace with my decision. My hand tucked in my pocket to rest against the phone anticipation, hoping it would ring. I don't know if I've made the right decision. I don't know if this is what they would want me to do. Panic streaks across my lungs, uncertainty rotting every rational thought away.

I wish he'd tell me what to do. And I absolutely hate myself for feeling that way.

I'm on my own for now... I'm on my own for now!

The glossy black shoes rub at the upper part of my heel with every step. My independence. Painful. Blistering. Beautiful. The friction although not ideal, surges a bit of confidence through me.

This is my decision. My choice. I got to make that choice! I deserve a night out. I want to have fun, and I want to be a typical young woman for the night, feeling pretty and in pain but wearing it like the badge of honor it is.

This is going to hurt. Being on my own and making decisions without reassurance is going to be difficult. Standing by those decisions is going to be painful, and blistering, but also beautiful. I may wobble, needing some time to find my footing, callous over, but this is a good thing. Because no matter if its pain or beauty it's still a reflection of my newfound independence. It's still a reflection of me.