Dopamine || Reid

CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE

I REGRET STAYING OUT LATE. My internal clock waking me up at six in the morning as usual despite my only four hours of sleep. I sit on the kitchen counter and take some medication, drinking a large glass of water as I wait for the pressure in my head to release. My eyes close and I lean my back against the wall crossing my legs over the counter.

Last night was so fun, more fun than I've had for a while, but that does nothing to help ease the migraine that soon comes after my body refuses to fall back asleep. So to a degree I regret it. But I also don't.

Today I have to go back to work with the BAU.

I have to see Penelope, Emily, and JJ, who by now have probably started to question my place in their unit. I have to see Aaron, who knew about my absence and that I would be helping another department, yet he chose to lie about it to everyone. I'll see Spencer, who knows I was helping another department, but knows nothing about my night with the girls. I have to see Morgan and Rossi, who are oblivious to everything, or so I hope.

A sigh passes my lips at the thought. Things are getting so complicated. I wish I could come forward and stop living in a life that doesn't feel like my own. Stop lying. Stop pretending. Stop living in fear.

"This is your life now. You can't trust them. You can only trust yourself. You made this decision. No one else is to blame but yourself. Do your time and live with the consequences."

My own muffled yet harsh voice plays back in my head. I had chanted those angry words the day I made the mistake that changed my life into this mess.

And I was right. I can't trust anyone. Not the team, not Spencer, not even Aaron Hotchner.

"You should have never have told him what you were doing yesterday." I whispered to myself, partly to remember, partly to test how my head would feel with the added presence of noise.

They are getting too close.

He is getting too close.

I'm letting Spencer Reid get too close to me. I like being around him and that makes things even more difficult. I need to stop.

He's just being nice, he doesn't know the things you've done, he doesn't know who you are. He only knows who you're pretending to be, he only sees what you're pretending to do.

This isn't his fault— it's mine.

I was friendly with Garcia, and look what's happened with that.

"How come the FBI data- computer thing, says you don't exist?"

I shake my head and snap the hair tie against my wrist.

The pain in my wrist causes me to open my eyes, accidentally catching my hazy reflection in the windowpane. My curls are pulled through, making my hair extremely frizzy and huge.

With a sigh I force my legs to swing off the counter, jumping down to take a shower. The icy water stinging my skin and numbing my thoughts.

After showering I scrunch some curl cream into my partially dry hair, and change into some fresh clothes. Thick pair of jeans, long sleeved turtleneck and a burnt orange jacket. Seeing as it is extremely cloudy today I reach for the viridian colored scarf that Spencer had made for me.

"More like you... yoouuu love the one that gave you the scarf."

Penelopes slurred words give me pause, my hand stilling before I could grab it. If I wear it, I could be drawing more attention. And if they find out about last night they could take it the wrong way, making things that much more complicated.