Ambivalence

4

Meredith was too wrapped up in trying not to make eye contact with him that she couldn't enjoy the cheering and applause that sounded after they successfully finished their surgery. Perhaps she would've been more susceptible to looking up from her hands if it weren't for Derek looking at her every five seconds like he wanted to drag her into an on-call room and pick up where they left off.

She felt like an idiot. Her entire career she'd worked to get into a position of power and now that she had the chance, she couldn't even look her competition in the eyes without imagining his tongue down her throat. It didn't help that they had a past of being well more than experienced in that area. Every roommate Meredith had before officially moving in with Derek either moved out, or got kicked out because they couldn't stop complaining about their sex noises.

"You know, you don't have to stand there and let me do all the work," Derek interrupted her thoughts and followed behind her into the scrub room. "Your job isn't to just stand there and look pretty."

She ignored his remarks and began scrubbing her hands harshly, as if it would wash the disgusting feeling that surged through her body.

"Oh you're ignoring me? Here I was thinking the only reason you weren't looking at me during the operation was because you didn't want anyone figuring out that you're still desperately in love with me," he teased. Derek turned his entire body to face her and let the water run through his fingers when she didn't respond. Instead, Meredith finished scrubbing her hands at lighting speed and skipped drying them, reaching for the door that led to the hallways only to be pulled back.

"What are you doing? Let go of me," Meredith demanded and he immediately loosened his grip on her arm. Before she could escape Derek jolted in front of her, standing in between her body and the door.

"What do you want?" she crossed her arms over her chest and still refused to make eye contact with him.

"I was hoping we could go back into that supply closet, or if you're not into that kind of stuff now that you're all...professional and grown up, we can go to your place. I've been dying to see what the inside of Meredith Grey's apartment looks like now that she's not living with me." Derek leaned against the door confidently.

"Not gonna happen. Can you move?" she demanded with less patience than she had the first time.

"Fine then, this thing has a lock doesn't it," he turned around and secured the door. "Turn around, we can do it in here. I'll make it quick since you and I both know you can't last long."

"I don't want to have sex with you." Meredith chose to ignore his last comment, knowing from experience that both of them knew it wasn't true.

"If you didn't want to sleep with me you wouldn't have jumped me in that supply closet."

"I didn't jump you," she shook her head.

"Mmh...I don't know, one minute you were yelling at me and the next your arms were wrapped around my neck and you were trying to get me naked," Derek nodded.

"That's not what happened," Meredith denied, still refusing to look directly into his eyes.

"You were dry fucking me," he said it much louder than he should've and the herd of scrub nurses that entered the room were wide-eyed at his confession. Derek searched for a wall, anything to stabilize himself when Meredith's hand covered his mouth and she pushed him through the door, leading him to a corner outside in the hallway and away from anyone who might hear them.

"Would you shut up! It was a mistake. One that I will not be stupid enough to make again."

"Oh come on, you enjoyed it...ahh." Derek held his mouth open when she didn't deny it.

"I...it can't happen again."

"Why not? You enjoyed it, I enjoyed it. I'd say that's reason enough to do it again."

"You enjoyed it?" Meredith asked more enthusiastically than she intended.

"No. I was just trying to get you to sleep with me," Derek shrugged his shoulders.

"Ass," she murmured.

"You do know I have a name right?" he questioned foolishly.

"No, because it's not like I was in a relationship with you for twenty two months or anything."

"Exactly, then you should be thrilled to have a chance at getting me back. I know how hard it must've been to lose the best thing you've ever had," Derek exaggerated and Meredith rolled her eyes disgustedly.

"Get over yourself."

"I'd prefer hovering over you... In bed," his eyes traveled down her body, soaking in the way her dark blue scrubs accentuated her slight curves and slim build, moving back up just as slow to notice the tightness of her top around her breasts.

"Eyes up here!"

"Wha- I wasn't," Derek threw his hands up defensively.

"Mhm sure."

"Well I wouldn't have to imagine you naked at work if you would just accompany me to your car. We always did find new ways to make that work," Derek was referring to the countless amount of quickies in her old mustang that got them in an embarrassing amount of trouble with law enforcement years back.

"That was irresponsible, and wrong, and..."

"Sexy?" he finished her sentence.

"Not happening." she refused. "I'm not even supposed to be alone with you."

"Why not?" Do you have a boyfriend or something?" Derek asked her and the unsure look on her face wasn't what he was expecting. "You do?" he asked defensively.

"I'm seeing someone, tomorrow night actually," she answered with a hint of excitement that used to be reserved for conversations about him.

"So you have a boyfriend? How long have you two been seeing each other?" his abrupt questioning caught Meredith by surprise.

"I didn't say I had a boyfriend. But if I did, he wouldn't appreciate me spending time alone with you. So I'm going now," Meredith slipped out of his grasp. The information that she sprung on him interested Derek more than whatever they were going on about before. He didn't follow behind her when she vanished into the halls, but leered confusedly at the woman he once knew to never go out on a work night. Derek wasn't sure what the nauseous feeling in his gut was, but he knew it had something to do with her.

***

A few hours after their encounter, Derek spotted her through the window of their conjoined scrub rooms. He stood next to her and flashed one of his superficial smiles and he couldn't help but feel bothered when she ignored his presence.

"You were being serious? You're avoiding me!" he followed behind her out of the scrub room with soaking hands.

"Trying to!" she hurried frantically through the halls with him on her tail.

"What's wrong, you can't handle a little friendly competition?"

"There's nothing friendly about you Derek. It doesn't matter, I'm not speaking to you," Meredith unintentionally allowed him to catch up to her when she stopped at the coffee cart. She partook in a friendly conversation with Frank and handed him two dollars.

"I got it," Derek intercepted their exchange and handed Frank a twenty. "Keep the change."

"What are you- hey!" Meredith didn't have the energy nor patience to deal with his childish tactics. She stood with her arms crossed over her chest as he chugged her mocha latte in one gulp.

"That was amazing, what is it called so I can get it next time?" he asked her.

"You..." Meredith contemplated using the last of her strength to argue with him. "Forget it," she stormed off.

Derek observed her backside and praised as he watched her walk away, leaning against the coffee cart and receiving odd glances from Frank; who shouldn't be complaining with the generous tip Derek gifted him.