Right Hook (Gaslight series) COMPLETE

35| Just keep swimming

Alyssa ♔
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For once, it doesn't feel like I'm fighting to keep my head above water, it feels like I'm actually swimming.

Not having to pretend to like Justin anymore feels like I've had two hundred pounds of deadweight removed, and while my parents are still stressing about the party this weekend, I find myself not caring as much. Max has seen the real me, warts and all, and for whatever twisted reason still likes me. It's almost enough to make me want to like myself.

Tiana keeps pointing out my smile at school. I try to keep my expression neutral, cool, because I still have a reputation to uphold, but if anyone can see through my facade, it's her.

"Fess up," she says. "You're not just smiling because of a few boxing lessons. It's a boy, isn't it?"

"It's not a boy," I say.

"A girl?"

"Or a girl. I'm just happy, okay? Not being with Justin is liberating. I'm a new woman."

"Hmm," she says as we walk to class, but she doesn't look like she believes me.

It doesn't matter, because in my head, I'm not even here, I'm busy replaying my last kiss with Max, over and over. I'm not exactly a newbie when it comes to relationships, but this is the first time I've truly had butterflies just from thinking about someone, and it scares me to death. Alyssa Class does not get butterflies or hung up on a guy, yet here I am, replaying a kiss like I'm in middle school. What is wrong with me?

As soon as we step into the classroom, I spot Kino in his seat. I tense a little, because I haven't spoken to him since our awkward encounter where he asked me out, but I suppose making amends now is as good a time as any. Shoulders back, I walk toward our desk and take the seat next to him, flashing him a brilliant smile.

"Hey," I say.

He keeps his eyes straight ahead. "Hey."

The next few minutes are spent in awkward silence as I pretend to organize my pencils on the desk. I want to say something, anything, to make him feel better, but between rejecting his advances and not standing up for him, I don't know what to say. The truth is, I have been a terrible, terrible friend.

"Look," I say, under my breath, "I'm sorry. I should have stuck up for you after what Marnie said."

"Why didn't you?"

"Because I'm already walking a fine line with them," I say, "especially after breaking up with Justin. Marnie's one step away from taking me down."

His eyebrows furrow, but he still refuses to look at me. "Why do you care so much about what they think? Why are you even friends with people like that?"

"Because–" I pause, because the truth is, I don't know why I care so much, or why I'm still friends with them. "I guess I've been friends with them for a long time. They're all I know. Sometimes change is scary, you know? But I'm trying to be better if that's any consolation. I mean, I'm failing, obviously, but I'm trying."

I wait an excruciating moment for him to relent, or at least look at me, but he won't. I sigh. "Kino, I'm sorry, okay? Can we just pretend like what happened never happened?"

He looks over now, eyes dark. "Which part?"

I'm certain I look like a deer in headlights right now, because telling him I want to forget about him asking me out might make him hate me even more. But the truth is, I do want us to forget that; I want him to forget ever liking me.