Right Hook (Gaslight series) COMPLETE

66| One too many regrets

Max ♕
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I spend the night in and out of consciousness. When I finally wake, I'm wrapped in Alyssa's arms, my face pressed to her chest, and listening to her rapid heart rate.

She's wide awake; I feel it in her quick, faint breaths, like she's afraid to move in case it draws any attention, and I swear, that cuts me more than anything. I still remember the nights she'd attach to me like a Koala bear, desperate to bring me closer, and now she's too damn scared to even breathe.

It's all my fucking fault.

Still, I'm hellbent on making up for it somehow, even if I don't know how yet. Not just to Alyssa but to Kino too. I did the one thing I never wanted to do last night, which was hurt them, and now I need to fix it.

Kino is the easier relationship to fix. As brothers, we fight and makeup in a never-ending cycle, but Alyssa is different. Something tells me I've already lost her - even if I don't want to believe it.

I shift a little, wincing as I glance at the clock. It's nearly six am, but it doesn't feel like it. With Maddie's blackout curtains - no doubt a Hayden requirement - it feels like the middle of the night. Hell, I wish it still were. The later it gets, the quicker this ends, and the quicker I lose her all over again.

Ignoring the pain in my chest, I reach for my phone and touch base with Mom and Khalil before turning to Alyssa. Even though I probably shouldn't - scratch that, I definitely shouldn't - I pull her toward me, gently running my thumb across her back until her shoulders ease slightly, and she falls asleep.

I don't know what will happen from here on out. It's not like I've ever had a stable life plan, but things feel messed up to the point of no return. I broke Alyssa's trust, my actions have landed my brother in the hospital, and my body won't have recovered in time for the fight, which means any chance I'd had of kickstarting my career is over. This is well and truly rock bottom.

The crazy part is that I'm no longer afraid despite my life going to shit. There's no panic or dread, just this strange sense of peace, like now that I'm down here way at the bottom, the only way back out of it is up.

Alyssa's chest rises, then falls just as quickly. Her eyelashes softly flutter on her cheeks, and for once, she looks content; no furrowed lines or tilt of the mouth. No stress. For the first time in a long time, she's entirely at ease in my arms.

I wish I could enjoy it more, but everywhere hurts, from my head down to my feet. The hospital gave me some tablets for the pain, so I reach into my pocket, carefully breaking two from the packet before swallowing them dry.

The movement causes Alyssa to shift. I glance over, relieved to see she's fast asleep, and try to keep as still as possible.

She'd looked exhausted before - more tired than I think I've ever seen her - and it kills me to know it's because of me. If the events of last night taught me anything, it's that I can't keep trying to control everything. Kino's life, this relationship with Alyssa - I was so hellbent on protecting them both that, in the end, I ended up putting them in danger. Never will it happen again.

She buries deeper into my chest. A smile tugs at the corners of my lips when she lets out a snore, followed by this gut-wrenching loss. This could be the last time I ever hold her in my arms, and that thought alone is more than I can stomach. While the shit I've put her through makes me want to spend the rest of my life making it up to her, I already know it's too late. I fucked it up, and even after she's long moved on, I'll spend the rest of my life regretting it.

It's pushing seven-thirty. I should be heading to the hospital to see Kino, but I don't want to move. I want to stay right here, holding Alyssa as if I didn't ruin the best part of my life. As if I haven't lost everything.