Hold on for the Ride

Part Sixteen

        After showering and putting on some athletic shorts and a t-shirt, I headed over to Ryan's room to have our nightly talk. We had been doing that since I moved in and it was probably helping more than those stupid counseling sessions everyone insisted I go to. I walked into his room and sat down on his blue and dark green striped blanket which had a notebook on top. It was simply inscribed "poems" in black and the background was tan. I was so tempted to look inside, but I didn't want to intrude. Ryan walked in, his hair still wet from the shower. He looked hott. I met his eyes and smiled,

            "May I?" I said pointing to the notebook.

            "Go for it. It's just a bunch of poetry and random crap that I've written over the past year or so."

            I looked inside and peaked at about the middle page, finding a short poem written in his usual handwriting.

"I fight against the ever-present ropes surrounding my flailing limbs. The more I struggle, the more the tassels tighten. My knowledge of this rule is irrelevant as I continue to kick and punch, thrashing for my life. Slowly my resistance dies away as the strings flex around my neck. My chest heaves, in, out. The breaths begin to become shorter, more strained.
When I awake, I am released. My body is covered in scarlet lacerations. As I examine each crimson lash, I realize it wasn't ropes that left these marks. It was fingerprints, fingerprints from my own fingertips."

            I looked back up to Ryan, who was slipping a different shirt on and I peered my eyes away way too quickly. Then I read another.

"The chasm rushed beneath me.
The walls held in my fear.
Each worry swishing into the waves.
I stepped forward,
Getting a whiff of the saltiness.
Suddenly I slipped,
And as I fell, I was surprisingly not afraid.
I was serene, ready to finally allow the fears that had been slowly eating at my sorrowful bones engulf my whole body."

            "Ryan... these are freaking amazing. How long have you been writing?"

            "Um since about a year ago," he laughed, "and I just love it. Anytime I feel sort of meh I'll grab out that book and write something down. Even if I don't know how I'm feeling, grabbing a pen and writing something down almost explains it to me. It's pretty great."

            "Well you should definitely keep writing, I love this."

            "Thanks Rose" his face was red.

            "So since tomorrow is Saturday and we don't have anything going on, wanna hit the beach or something?"

            "Yeah, that actually sounds perfect. Let's do it!"

            He nodded and then came next to me on his bed, smiling. Then he pulled me into a quick kiss with his hand on my cheek bone.

            "Oh wait before you go, you said you wanted to talk a bit?"

            "Yeah, I guess that would probably help. I just feel sort of, how do I explain it?"

            "Empty?"

            "Yeah, empty." I let that sink in.

            "Well that's probably totally normal. There were so many things filling your life just a few days ago and now you just feel... empty. I've felt that way before Rose. You know that. Even though I wasn't dealing with what you're going through, I felt like I really was losing my parents. But guess what, God has a way. He really does. He's got this master plan for your life, and you know that there's got to be a few hard times in it, but you know what? God tests those whom He loves."

            I nodded, and leaned my head on his shoulder again. He put his arm around me and somehow turned it into a hug.

            "Rose, you've just gotta realize that God is here, I'm here, and everyone is here. We love you, a lot! I'm going to help you, okay? We're going to work through this, we're going to make you better. Because I honestly can't stand seeing you this way. Never hide your feelings from me, I did that to you and we see  how that turned out. We've got to be super open."

            I smiled, "Thanks Ryan, I will be super open. I've just got a long way to go. But hey, after the beach, can I drive us somewhere as a like... surprise?"

            "Yes!" His face lightened up and his lips practically curled up to his ears.

            "Alright, I'll see you tomorrow."

            "Sleep good love." I loved it when he called me that.