ʜᴇʀᴇ ᴄᴏᴍᴇs ᴛʜᴇ sᴜɴ- ˢᴾᴱᴺᶜᴱᴿ ᴿᴱᴵᴰ

nine, b

SPENCER'S POV!

i walked behind her, carelessly placing my feet on steps as she pulled me up and up. her hand was warm and mine are always cold.

her hand was sweaty.

i hate germs.

i couldn't pull away.

thirteen steps. another thirteen.

we walked until we got to my front door. it wasn't locked but i felt like i should finally take charge of the situation and open it for her.

i pulled my hand out of hers and she turned back to me, her eyes wide with curiosity. she had a lot of questions. i chose to ignore them for now.

where would i even start?

i opened then door and she moved behind me, seemingly realising that i had to be the first one in.

i don't even know why.

the thought of anyone in my apartment, without me there, even if i was just a step behind— it made me feel sick.

i stepped in, turned on the lights— something i hadn't bothered doing since i had gotten back from the hospital.

"come on in," i turned to her, she was standing just outside the threshold. she started to look around and i felt the heat rise up my neck.

the place was a wreck. so was i.

"i love your books," she said, i let a small smile pass over my lips.

"could i sit?" she asks, her sweet voice breaking the silence that usually engulfs my apartment.

oh i hadn't offered her to sit!

"yes, yes of course you can... u-uh there's a seat over there i'll clear it for you."

my couch was covered in case files and research papers and books and i really should have thought through inviting her up. i didn't think at all.
but she was here, and i couldn't stand to watch her leave.

i cleared a space big enough for her with shaking hands. my hands were always shaking these days. she stood patiently but it still made me feel rushed.

i didn't want her to have to stand, i wish i had a clean apartment, that the first time i'd have bring her here it would be much nicer.

that i could have invited her over to watch a movie and showed her around and let her ask questions about my books and eat popcorn and pizza and maybe hold her hand on the couch.

"here, you can sit there." i scratched my neck as she watched me.

"thank you spence." i nodded without looking at her.

"do you want tea or something, uh i have a few different types let me just.." i start to walk toward my kitchenette but my foot caught on the end of the sofa and i stubbed my toe.

i let out a yelp oh god that hurt. did i break a bone?

"spence!" she rushes over to me and oh my holy god this is embarrassing.

she crouched down in front of me and i wanted the ground to swallow me whole, she touched the injured foot and i hiss, god that hurt.

"have you got any ice?" i look down at her and see how her big blue eyes were staring into mine with concern and i could cry, "there should be some in the freezer, it's below the fridge." i pointed in the general direction of my kitchen without taking my eyes off of hers.

she nods and places my foot gently back on the floor before running to the freezer and searching for ice, "you haven't got ice but there's some peas here we can use," she looked at me and caught me staring. i couldn't bring myself to be any more embarrassed than i already was.

she walks back over to me and then past me to the couch, she clears even more space and puts all of the files and such on the coffee table, a pile already growing so high i could have a nightmare about sorting it.

"here, come sit," she sat down on one end of the couch and motioned for me to sit on the other, the bag of peas in her hand.

i sit cautiously on the other end of the couch before she pats her knee, expecting me to put my injured foot on her lap. i look to her, shy, she was being too nice.

"c'mon spence, we need to keep it elevated and iced. give me your foot." reluctantly, i shifted my body and lifted my foot onto her lap. this was so humiliating for me but she didn't seem to mind.

she held my ankle and placed the ice on my first toe on my left foot, i hissed at the temperature and the tenderness of my toe but she ignored it, it needed iced.

her hands were gentle, she started to rub small circles on my ankle and i all but shivered at the touch.

"can i ask you something," she said after we were sitting for a few moments.

i paused. i knew what she was going to ask. where did i go?

"sure." i answered, refusing to look at her.

"did i do something? did i hurt your feelings somehow?" i couldn't stop my head from snapping to look at her, she thinks this is her fault? my heart drops.

"sunshine..." i look at her and tears start to fill her beautiful eyes and i feel my heart drop to my stomach.

"sweetheart, before i tell you anything i need you to know something alright?" she nodded, not looking at me but still rubbing circles on my ankle.

"none of this, none of it— is your fault." she looked at me, i continued, my heart breaking for how i've made her feel, "all of this, what i'm about to tell you, happened before i met you. you might not believe it but how i'm acting— the mood swings, the anger, the sadness?" she nodded, "you're the only thing that's helped. even if you didn't realise. you've been helping me sunshine, why do you think i call you sunshine, huh?"

i nudged her with my non injured foot, tapping her on her thigh, "cause you make me happy." i answered my own rhetorical question and her face lit up in the most beautiful way. dread filled my body at the thought of taking that away when i tell her what i'm going to tell her next.

but she has to know, it's the only way to keep her in my life.

A/N
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