Always and forever

10 - The first pieces of the mosaic

Can

Mine was a troubled night, in spite of the drugs they gave me against the headache, sleep took a long time to come.
Everything seems so strange, so surreal, I find myself living a life that I don't understand and that seems completely foreign to me.
The morning passes between physiotherapy to regain muscle tone and the necessary tests to check that everything is in order. If all goes well, the doctor tells me, I can be discharged tomorrow with the recommendation to continue physiotherapy at home. I have no idea where my home is at the moment, let alone where I am.

I hear the door open and it's her, very pretty in a flowery dress and her hair tied up in a tail, she enters hesitantly, as if she doesn't know how to behave and what kind of welcome to expect.

- Merhaba, hello Can -

- Merhaba, hi Sanem, I was wondering what happened to you, have you forgotten we have a pact? -

She looks at me questioningly as if she has no idea what pact she's talking about.

- We made a deal yesterday I think, you promised me that you would talk to me about who you were in my life, I'm done with therapy for the day and I'm ready to listen to you -

She sits hesitantly on the armchair next to my bed and looks at me uncertainly, now that I can see her close up calmly I have to admit that she is very beautiful, not a classic, flashy beauty, it is more an inner brightness that shines through her eyes, I can't explain it even to myself, I only know that she is very special.

- I don't know where to start, I thought I'd bring along some objects that have been part of our history, through which we can slowly reconstruct it.

He rummages in his cloth bag and pulls out several things which he rests on his legs.

- Let's start with the bandana, this is my bandana but over time it has become your bandana, it has accompanied us like a magical talisman from the beginning to the end of our relationship - She tells me about our stormy beginning, about Emre and Aylin's deceptions and manoeuvres, about her involvement and the break we had come to when I found out and how I had kept the bandana with me because it reminded me of her.

Sighing thoughtfully, of course it's not a small thing to process as a start, I reach out a hand asking her to give it to me, as soon as I touch it the first thing that comes naturally to me is to bring it to my nose to inhale the smell, I don't know why, but it came naturally.
She looks at me astonished by the gesture and assures me that she will tell me later what role this object has played in our recent history, I ask her to let me have it and she accepts without any problem.

She then takes a vial of perfume, opens it and drops a few drops on her wrist, shakes it for a moment to evaporate the excess and then hands it to me to smell.

As soon as I perceive that wonderful perfume I am hit in the stomach by a strange feeling, I can't explain what it is exactly, I only know that this perfume manages to shock me to the core, it must be the perfume she told me about yesterday, the one by which I recognized her as the girl kissed in the dark of the lodge.

I look at her carefully, I can't decipher her expression, it's something between detached and pained, it's as if she's afraid.

- What's wrong with you Sanem? You don't seem comfortable in this situation or am I wrong? -

She sits back down on the armchair and shakes her head, sighing - No, it's not that, it just seems so strange, telling you about us like you're a stranger seems strange, that's all, but I'll get used to it gradually, don't worry - She smiles at me uncertainly.

-I understand that it may seem strange to you, but I assure you that for me it is essential to understand why...-.

I freeze realizing that I have expressed myself wrongly, I see her turn pale and lower her head for long moments, when she raises it again her look is clearly hurt.

- You were saying that it's essential for you to understand why you fell in love with me right? Look Can I will never be able to tell you how you felt, I will never be able to explain why you fell in love with me, this only you could know, I myself at the beginning couldn't believe that a charming and successful man like you could fall in love with a simple and modest girl like me. I can tell you why I fell in love with you, it happened immediately and slowly, I can't explain, but I was in love with the man who stole a kiss from me and slowly I fell in love with my charismatic and kind boss. With time I loved them both deeply, I loved everything about you, your loyalty, your frankness, the tenderness with which you stroked my hair, I came to feel that it had to be you, that love of which the poems speak, the true one, the exclusive one, the predestined one, it could only be you for me. These are not things I can explain to you or show you with indisputable proofs, we have come to understand it each on our own account-

Her words struck me, she was honest and straightforward, in her voice I heard a strength that only those who are certain of their feelings can have, I don't know what to think either.

I see her putting back the things she had taken out of her bag and getting up, she has the perfume vial in her hand and hands it to me- Listen Can, I don't think it's useful for you to receive so much information all at once, you still have to recover your energies after a month of coma, you already have a lot of material to work on, I'll come back tomorrow and we'll continue talking tamam, ok? I'll leave you the perfume, it has always been something special for you, maybe it can help you remember or simply give you comfort. I will see you tomorrow, görüşürüz goodbye-

She surprises me by leaning down and placing a light kiss on my cheek, I don't know why but it upsets me more than if she had kissed me on the lips, it's a poignant tenderness, it's a desperate kiss of love, I look at her astonished as she raises a hand in a gesture of greeting and turns her back to leave.

I don't know why but I would have liked her to stay, even without speaking, it would have been enough to have her here with me, I shake my head to clear my mind, I don't know what goes through my mind in these moments.

I pick up the vial on the bedside table, I open it and inhale its contents, it's not the same as the one I felt just before, it's missing an essential component, it's missing the scent of her skin, I don't know how I know this but it's a concept that is very clear in my mind.

It must be a memory from those two years, Can Divit I know has no knowledge of perfume. I bring my hands to the back of my head and look up at the ceiling, she's absolutely right, I need to metabolise one small part of the story at a time, I need to put in place the facts I'm learning about as I go along as if they were small pieces of a much larger mysterious mosaic.

I have no idea how long it will take, but I need to slowly build up the full picture of how this makes me feel, small steps, a little at a time.