Sᴀʀᴀʜ Pᴀᴜʟsᴏɴ Cʜᴀʀᴀᴄᴛᴇʀ Oɴᴇsʜᴏᴛs

Let's Not Rush This

Merrill (From Swimmers)

Warnings: Mentions of suicide and death, and sexual innuendo

Merrill

My mother drowned herself in a bathtub. Killed herself. I had no idea what was wrong, I just knew that my mother wasn't moving. I didn't think she was dead, just sleeping, napping. So I didn't call the police, or even panic until dinner time when I tried to wake her up. She was very cold when I touched her, ice cold and she didn't budge. Her skin was so pale, a light blue tint even. I knew something was wrong when I touched her, well, her dead body. I called out for her, trying to wake her up, but part of me already knew, she was long gone. Dead.

Y/n filled the hole that my mother left when she died. Not in a way that my mother was to me, but y/n makes me feel more than I've ever felt. She makes me feel alive. I have spent too many nights, sucking men's dicks and pleasuring them, and I always thought I was satisfied enough, pleasuring someone else, that I didn't think I needed my own pleasure, sexually and non sexually. But, my y/n made me realize how much I need pleasure, and that I wasn't ever satisfied before. When I learned we share feelings for each other, I realized how much attention I was craving, how much I needed pleasure, so I just made a move on her, rather quickly. I thought she would only want me for sex too, but she said she wanted to get to know me, all of me first. And I never thought someone would want that, from me. But I accepted that's what she wanted to do, and she did exactly that. She took me to the beach and we had a lot of fun running in the sand and water, and then we went for ice cream after. She took me to the fair and won a big giraffe stuffie, and bought me cotton candy. She took me on so many different dates, from the beach to the fanciest restaurant I've ever eaten in.

Tonight we're having a sleepover. We have only kissed so far, not even really made out yet, but my first thought when she suggested a sleepover was that she wanted to fuck. So I cleaned myself up, made my bed all nice, and even put lotion on my legs to make them soft. I put on some soft music and put my sexiest nightgown on, it being thin and lacy, almost see through but not completely. When she came up to my room, I opened the door slowly and narrowed my eyes slightly at her. "Hey Mer!" she says innocently but when she sees what I'm wearing she turns beet red and shuts her mouth. I chuckle lowly at her and pull her in my room, shutting the door and pinning her to it. "Hello. Mmm, I see you like my outfit." I whisper lowly and smirk, leaning on the door with her head between my arms. She stays quiet and I see her gulp a little. "Aww, poor baby, cat got your tongue?" I coo out and lean closer to her, my body pressing slightly against hers and I move my mouth by her ear. "Let me find it for you." I whisper in her ear and gently bite down on her ear lobe before moving my face back in front of hers and quickly leaning in to her lips and kissing her gingerly. She hesitates, but kisses back and as soon as she does I start to attack her lips and I grip her shirt and pull her as I walk backwards to the bed. I pull us down so she's on top of me and I start to unbutton her shirt, pulling away from her lips to do so. She looks down at me with wide eyes but I just keep going. When I've gotten her shirt off I go to take her bra off but she stops me, gently cupping my cheek to get my attention. "Is this, what you want right now, Merrill?" she asks so softly and quietly I almost don't understand her. I look at her with a little bit of a frustrated expression. "Jesus, why do you care about what I want so much? Let me just fuck you! It's what you want from me, right?" I say a little firmly and she looks into my eyes and shakes her head a little. "My beautiful Mer, I do, someday, and when that day comes, I will be so so happy, but we both need to be ready. To be with someone you care about, to be in a relationship, does not mean it's all just sex. I want to show you how much I love you," I look at her with wide eyes but she only smiles at me and nods a little, answering the question I was going to ask. "Yes, I love you. There are different ways to show you my love, and I want you to understand that before we do this. And I want you to want this." I look at her with a little shock now, and my mouth hanging open slightly, my hands resting on her lower back. I hesitate before tearing up a little bit. "But, this is what they always want. Ain't I just a fucktoy?" I whisper in a weak voice and I watch as her face turns into a sad expression. "Baby no, no, you aren't that. You are my wonderful girl. You are smart, and sweet and funny, and a little bit of an ass sometimes but I love that about you." She says softly and I smile a little again and we giggle quietly together. She pecks my lips gently before looking into my eyes again, and she gets a serious expression on her face. "You, are not a fucktoy. Never will be. I will never let you be, understand? You are human, and my human at that." she says seriously, and I nod a little and tears start to roll down my cheeks. Y/n starts hushing me softly and wipes my cheeks. "How about we cuddle for awhile, hm? If you want, we could cuddle naked?" she says softly and my heart swells with love, love that I've never felt, and I know she doesn't want me just for sex, she really loves me. I only nod a little and she kisses my forehead before she helps me undress, and then once I'm naked she takes off the rest of her clothes and slides into bed next to me. I pull the covers over us and snuggle into her as much as I can, sighing softly at how soft and warm she felt. After awhile of just peaceful silence I look into her eyes and smile. "I love you too, y/n" I say quietly and smile, and she smiles back and leans in to give me a soft kiss. I kiss back, being soft as well, and we kiss deeply and passionately, just to kiss, but I love it so much, and I feel so safe and loved when her lips are on mine.