The Maze Runner -Flare In Flames- |Newt X Reader|

Chapter 18~To Let Him Go~

Y/N's POV
       It doesn't take long for Shawn to arrive at the hospital to pick me up. I walk out of the office, out to the street seeing Shawn standing at the end of the stairwell. I look down at my shoes, almost feeling shame that I'm leaving so early. But I can't stay inside this hospital. Not after what happened about an hour ago. Do I even know what happened? The saddest part is that I was saving that man not only because he was dying, but deep down, I though I was saving Newt. Shawn's facial expression shows sympathy for me. Don't tell me he knows... I walk up to him, for a second he just stares. He doesn't say a word. "Let's go." He states walking in the direction of Amanda's penthouse. I stay silent, following behind the man.
       After a bit of walking, we somehow make it all the way to Amanda's penthouse in what feels like a blink of an eye. I don't remember much about the walk here. I'm completely zoned out at this point, ready to lay in bed and not get back up. I feel sick. My stomach turning at the point it's fully upside down. Shawn opens the door showing all the others sitting on the couch. Including Thomas, Minho, Gally, and Frypan. "Y/N? What are you doing here?" Minho automatically gets up first asking as the others join him. I freeze. No. Why are they here? Why aren't they training for tomorrow? No words make there way out of my mouth. I feel like i'm going to throw up. Everything feels numb but so painful at the same time. "She's not feeling to well. I was asked to escort her home." Shawn answers as I look up at him. He knows. The look on his face tells me everything. He knows about Ryan Davis. A sympathetic look comes over his face as he turns back to the others. "I'm taking her to her room for rest. It's in her best interest if you leave her be for now." Shawn answers as Minho and Thomas try to get closer. "Are you alright?" Thomas questions. "Can I do anything for you?" Minho replies right after. "Guys calm down. She's fine." Shawn answers for me as I can't exactly find the voice to speak. "I'll be calm when she tells me that herself!" Minho aggressively states forcing to get closer to me as Shawn holds him back. "Minho stop it." I calmly state as he freezes in place. "I'm okay." I look down at my shoes. That's all I can say. I need more time. Time for everything. More time to prepare for Recruiting Day. More time to save everyone. More time to accept that he's gone. Minho steps back. "Okay." Is all he says before I'm once again following Shawn up to my room. He stops at my room as I open the door. "Y/N..." Shawn starts. I look up at his face with that same sympathetic expression. "You saved a life today... That's more than a lot of people in this city have done." He mentions as I close my eyes. I feel like spilling out all of my emotions to him right here right now. To anyone. But out of habit, "Thank you." Is all that comes out. He nods once before walking back down the stairs. With that, I close the door to my room, and I instantly start to cry. I walk in front of the mirror pulling the w/c wig off of my head. I stare at myself as tears fall down my cheeks. "Why does this have to be so hard." I whisper to myself as I continue to stare at my appearance. I take a deep breath calming myself before walking into the bathroom and turning the shower nob to the hot side. I close the curtain taking off all of my clothes. I step inside feeling the warm water on my face running down my body. Reminds me of the time when we just got back from the Train Heist all that time ago. When Minho was still missing, and Newt brought me to the showers to get cleaned up. It's not fair. I close my eyes as the warm water feels good on my cold body. Without thinking, I sit down on the shower floor with my knees to my chest, the water drenching my h/c hair. The tears have not stopped. Not even close. I be sure to keep my sobs quiet so that I don't have to explain to anyone why saving Ryan Davis hurt so badly.
Spending an unknown amount of time in the shower, I get out drying my body with Amanda's white towels. Being clean makes me feel a little bit better about the situation. I open the bathroom door leading into my freezing cold room. The only source of light is coming from the window on the opposite side of the room. My head pounds at the fact I just spent so long crying about something I should be proud of myself for doing. I shake my head clearing my thoughts, taking off the towel, putting on some sweats and a T-shirt I found in one of the dressers. I ring my wet hair out with the towel, and lay on the bed. I stare at the ceiling with both of my hands on my stomach. Tomorrow is it. The day that decides weather or not I'm good enough to get into that city. As I'm laying there, a sudden knock appears at my door. "Y/N?" Minho's voice says through the door. Not now... I'm not ready. As I hear the door slowly open, I quickly shut my eyes turning my back towards the door. I hear a small laugh before the door shuts again. I can't talk to him. I can't talk to anyone... not yet. I try to open my eyes back up, but a sudden tiredness comes over me. I can't open my eyes. Soon, I give in, feeling my body go limp, and my mind easing itself to sleep.
       I wake up to the last sight I saw before falling asleep. Starring at the nightstand next to my bed. It's darker now; I'm barely able to see what's around me. I look up seeing the clock says 12:05 am. My throat is scratchy, and my eyes are puffy. I sit up slowly getting back the small headache I had from before. Standing up, I make my way towards the door with the little vision I have. I creek the door open slowly seeing the dark hallway. Though I look downstairs seeing that a light is on. Maybe I should get a glass of water. I push the door open a little more slipping through the crack I made. Being as quiet as possible, I let one foot go after another leading me down the steps and soon into the hallway leading to the living room. The bright light blinds me for a second as my eyes adjust to the big difference from my room and the hallway. As I'm walking, I see pictures hanging up on the wall that I never noticed before. Pictures of people I do not know, some are of Emily and Amanda, and one specific picture is of Amanda, Emily, and a man I assume is her father. I think back to what Emily said when I gave her the cure. 'I don't want to end up like my daddy.' He got infected. My heart aches for Amanda as I realize something. Amanda knows exactly how I feel... "Up so late love?" A British accent says automatically making me think of Newt. I turn my head to see Amanda standing there with a mug of tea. "Couldn't sleep?" She questions me as I shrug. "Just woke up." I reply as she nods. "I see." She blankly states as she stares at me with her beautiful blue eyes. "Need anything?" She questions as I quickly shake my head. She nods turning to walk away. Before I think about it, my mouth speaks. "Actually." I state as she slowly spins back around with a welcoming smile on her face. "I have a question." I state as my mind doesn't even know where I'm going with this. "Anything." She replies listening to what I have to ask. I turn my head back to the picture of Amanda, her daughter, and her husband. Gazing at their smiling faces. They were so happy. "Does the pain ever go away?" As soon as the words come out, I regret them. You don't really think she wants to talk about it Y/N! Why are you so stupid! "Oh sweetheart..." Amanda starts as I look back at her. The woman's face shows compassion and sympathy. "You lost someone... didn't you?" She questions guessing exactly what I am talking about. I bite my lower lip as a way to keep the tears in. All I do is nod. I watch as she sets down her tea and crosses her arms. "You don't have to talk about it." She states as I look down. "But..." I stop myself wondering if this is the right thing to do. She's been through it herself Y/N. If anything, she's the only one here who could truly understand how I feel. "Can I? Talk about it." I ask as her face lights up. "Of course! Why don't you sit down in the living room, and I can make you some tea. Yea?" Amanda offers as a small smile appears on my face. "I'd like that." I say as she nods and quickly makes her way to the kitchen.
As I'm sitting on the familiar couch in the living room, my heart beats so fast I feel out of breath. Why am I nervous? It's just Amanda. As I'm in my thoughts, Amanda sets a small cup of tea on the coffee table in front of me. She sets hers down as well, putting her hands in her lap. Silence overcomes the room. What am I supposed to say? How do I start? "I- uh." I break the silence, searching for a way to start this conversation. Amanda places her hand on my back making the held back tears start to come through. The comforting touch breaks me. "I never got to say goodbye." I start as Amanda rubs my back for comfort. It's weird. In this moment, Amanda feels more like my mother than Ava Paige ever did. Even if she was my adoptive mother. Amanda is a mother herself, and the comforting feeling of her being here with me puts me as ease. "I wish you could have met him." I smile, tears still lingering in my eyes. "He was so special." Memories of him come through, like the time when we first met in the sanctuary. Or like the time when he finally trusted me after we escaped. "He understood me more than anyone ever has." I continue, "He was always there." Amanda slightly smiles. She continues to sit there as I tell her about how we met, and about how I saved him from that crank. "His name was Newt." I continue, "He had blonde shaggy hair, fair skin, and beautiful dark brown eyes." She stops rubbing my back for a second. "Is his picture on the wanted signs?" She asks as I nod, almost forgetting she's seen his identity. It's plastered all across the city. "I noticed he was the only one apart of those pictures who wasn't here." She mentions and I look down. Here. He's not here. He'll never be here. "We never made anything official between us, but we had a connection. It just wasn't the right time to admit how I felt about him." I confess as she automatically questions, "Why's that?" I take a deep breath in. "With us running from Wicked, and Minho getting taken by them, that wasn't my first priority. It was almost like..." I pause for a second trying to find the words to describe my feelings. "Like?" Amanda replies. "Like I had forgotten he could get infected." I release as she nods understanding what I'm saying. "I tried Amanda." I start as she tilts her head in confusion. "I tried to save him... but-." I stop myself for a second. Her eyebrows furrow in empathy. "I wasn't fast enough Amanda." As soon as I finish, she pulls me into a hug. "Y/N honey. You can't do that to yourself." Her British accent says into my ear while I stay quiet. She pulls away as I instantly look down at my hands. "Y/N, look at me." Amanda sternly says. My eyes focus on her blue ones. "You can't keep blaming yourself for what happened. You'll never ever be happy." She starts. "I know exactly how you feel. After Brandon died, all I could believe was that it was all my fault. That maybe if I had took the infection a little more seriously, Emily would still have a father. But after a while of thinking that, I realized that blaming myself for his death only caused more pain and tears. You'll never truly start healing Y/N until you let him go." She puts a hand on my shoulder as her words replay over and over in my head. You'll never truly start healing until you let him go. "It hurts Amanda." I reply as she nods. "It's supposed to sweetheart. You loved him. Even if you never made anything official between the two of you, there was still love." Amanda explains. It makes sense. It didn't matter that it wasn't official, I still loved him. "Look Y/N, if I'm going to be honest...the pain doesn't ever really go away." I watch as tears build up in her eyes. Hope of everything getting better starts to fade. What she says next catches me off guard. "It gets easier though." She smiles a little with the tears still lingering. Relief flows through me, all the weight on my shoulders feels lifted. I have to forgive myself. Amanda pulls me into another comforting hug, this time holding it for a while. You'll never truly start healing until you let him go. "And Y/N... he made a huge impact on your life. Letting go doesn't mean forgetting him." Amanda continues putting the back of her hand on my head like Newt use to do. "It simply means accepting the fact that he's gone, and your memories of him will bring you joy instead of grief." I close my eyes listening to Amanda and her voice. Once Amanda pulls away, she still has one hand on my arm. "You do what you need to do to. To be at peace with your own mind. Whatever you think is necessary to let him go, and move on." Amanda pulls her hand away as I take the cup of tea she made for me off of the coffee table. I take a sip a the warm liquid, as it calms me. Whatever I need to do. I suddenly stand up placing the tea back on the table. "I know what I need to do. My journal." I smile as Amanda stands with me. "Y/N, do what you need to do... then get some sleep. Tomorrow is a very big day." Amanda nods without questioning me as I quickly hug her again. "Thank you so much." I squeeze her before darting up the stairs without being too loud. I stumble into my room reaching for the light switch. Looking through my backpack, I found my journal with everything that's happened up to this point. Every dream, nightmare, event... thought. I flip the pages to a fresh clean one, taking my pen, and I start to write. Writing whatever my mind is thinking, and what my heart is feeling. I write, feeling a weird happiness, sadness, and relief. My pen moves back and fourth with what I want to say. My hand numb and tired. I write to find myself... I write to let him go.