Trapped in fear as history repeats

20

"Meredith, Derek?" Arizona said as she, Addison and a few other doctors walked into the NICU.

Bella was now 4 weeks old, but still on the vent. They were desperately waiting for Bella to start breathing over the vent and a few days ago that moment finally came so when they saw Aziona walking in, they got a little scared to hear what they had decided.

"Mer, Derek.. We're gonna take her off" Addison smiled

"But we'll monitor her very closely. I'm scared for BPD. Arizona said

"Bronchopulmonary Dysplasia?!" Meredith gasped

"Mer.. She's been on a vent for 4 weeks.." Addison said as she rubbed Meredith's arm.

"I just wanna hold her.. cuddle her and take her home.. she needs to sleep in the bed next to ours, not in a hospital!" She said as she broke down but Derek held her up, holding her close

"I think it's best if you leave for this" Arizona advised

"No! I'm staying with my baby" Meredith replied quickly

"We're doctors, we've seen this before" Derek said with a sad smile

"Are you sure? I can stay with her if you-" Addison started

"We're sure" Meredith said, still looking at her tiny daughter lying in the incubator.

"I wanna point out that this could be scary. It's possible that her breathing will be unsteady, maybe even stop for a few seconds but we're here and if we can't get her off we'll intubate her again. It's possible that she'll be wheezing"

"Can I hold her hand?" Meredith asked

Arizona nodded so Meredith and Derek moved and grabbed the baby's tiny hand and started whispering as Arizona and Addison carefully started extubating.

Everything seemed to be okay except for a couple of times where it seemed like Bella had no idea she had to keep breathing. Arizona gave her a nasal cannula to make sure she had enough oxygen.

"You're so brave, Bel" Derek whispered proud

"She's a fighter" Meredith smiled

"Yeah she is" Derek smiled back

The wheezing continued even with the extra oxygen and Arizona and Addison were looking at each other. They were sure Bella had BPD but no one could tell how severe this was. There also are not many results about what BPD did in the long terms.

"Tell us" Meredith whispered as she saw the sad expression in her friends' faces.

"We're sorry, guys. We'll need to take her for a CT scan but I'm almost sure she has Bronchopulmonary Dysplasia. But we'll do everything to keep this as minor as possible." Arizona explained as Meredith and Derek were holding each other without letting go of Bella.

"We'll take her to CT, now" Addison said as they pushed the incubator out of the NICU

...

Meredith and Derek got paged to the conference room and when they arrived, Richard, Addison, Teddy and Arizona were there waiting for them

"No.." Derek sighed as they entered the room.

"Sit down, please" Richard said

Meredith and Derek sat down, still holding each other's hands.

"It's Bronchopulmonary Dysplasia and.. it's pretty severe. We'll keep her on oxygen all the time and we'll do regular CT's to see if her lungs keep developing" Arizona started

"Her heart is doing fine, but the risk for pulmonary hypertension is very high with BPD so I want to keep an eye on that, especially as long as she gets extra oxygen and we'll give her cardiac medications to keep the vessels from shutting down" Teddy filled in

"We want you to try and feed her once we're done here. Babies with this condition usually have trouble eating so we need to stimulate it as much as possible to prevent her having a feeding tube" Arizona said

"We know BPD can cause neurological problems as learning problems, trouble hearing or seeing and.. brain damage.." Addison said sadly as Meredith and Derek stared at their hands who were still clutched in each other

"We'll need to give her monthly medications to prevent her from catching us RSV. Her immune system will always be weaker, her breathing will probably always be faster and a bit labored so she'll need a nebulizer and daily treatment probably for the first years. She'll have an inhaler for when you're on route." Arizona filled in

"I.. What.. What's next?" Meredith whispered

"We'll keep her here for at least another week to observate. And we'll help you to find a good pulmonologist who can take her case and helps you the best."

"But.. Some stop having trouble at the age of 5, right?" Derek asked hopeful

"Derek.. We know but this is a severe case. She was very early, she's been intubated for 4 weeks and that's been a lot on her body" Addison replied

"It's my fault" Meredith whispered

"It's no one's fault" Derek whispered back as he held her close

"This isn't on you, Meredith. The one who's responsible is dead and caused all of us a lot of pain" Richard said

Meredith dozed off. She still had nightmares of what happened during the shooting. 2 people got shot in front of her. Derek felt her body freezing and he gently rubbed her arm as his other hand went through her hair.

"Let's give you some time to let this sink in. Me and Arizona will be in the NICU once you're ready, okay?" Addison asked

Derek nodded and waited till the others left before he picked up mer and placed her on his lap.

"She's our little miracle. She'll be fine, we can handle this" Derek said

"We'll need to find her the best doctors, Derek" Meredith whispered

"We will and all of our friends are doctors too, everyone will help us, don't worry."

"Mom and dad.."

"We'll call mom and dad after we try to feed Bel, okay?" Derek asked

Meredith nodded "Shall we go? We can finally hold her like we were supposed to" Meredith smiled

Derek nodded and the two of them got up and made their way to the NICU. 

AN // I'm not Shonda 2.0 but people apparently want to see some drama hahaha, please leave some ideas if you want!