The Great Indian College Romance

15. Remorse

Dear reader, has this ever happened to you?

You find yourself crying all alone in the last coach of a crowded metro trying to make it less and less obvious that you are? So you choke down your sobs, bite your lip and face the door in an attempt to not draw attention but you can see people stare at you from the corner of your eye. 

Because that was my predicament right now. 

The moment Angad had walked away from me I found myself faced with two options, either I endure the rest of the day and then the awkward ride home with everyone pretending everything was okay or I could leave right then before the floodgates opened and everyone got acquainted with my shame.

Needless to say, I chose the latter.

The worst part was I didn't even know why exactly it was that I was crying?

Was it the former feeling of inadequacy returning? Was it the emotional overload of seeing my ex? Was it the fact that I had completely bungled things with Angad for no reason? 

As an explanation for leaving I had sent a quick text on our group chat about not feeling well. Angad would see that text and corroborate my story. 

I hoped.

The day had been such an emotional roller coaster that I was in bed, fully snuggled, by 7 pm. Not even the news that I had won both categories cheered me up all that much. They were all still there in the college celebrating our win. 

Red Wagon had won too. I knew they were all at least tipsy by this point because Yug had insisted we carry miniatures to celebrate. A little presumptuous, I know, but these men had become cocky after their win streak from last year. 

I smiled wistfully as I envisioned them crowded around Angad's car cheering. Was Angad happy? Did he feel as cheerful as the rest of them or was he still resentful? 

I was pretty sure he wouldn't tell anyone else of the encounter. Even if he did, it would probably be Yug and I had already told him about Parth. 

I picked up my phone for the hundredth time that evening to text Angad but then lost my nerve. I had an explanation and apology all typed out and ready to go but my thumb hovered over the send button and then eventually exited the application instead. 

It was agony trying to think of what had happened in the span of a few short hours.

I thought of how I could have done things differently. So many different scenarios popped up in my head. If I had just left when Sonali had asked us to, if only I hadn't addressed Parth at all if only I could have left immediately after he made an appearance if I hadn't kissed Angad.

Ugh! So many "if only's".

I groaned and buried my head in my pillow.

My phone rang and I wanted to pick it up and throw it against the wall. I had no energy or patience to deal with anybody but --

It was Sarah. I quickly sat up in bed and answered.

"Saraaaaaaaaahhhh." I wailed.

"Hey, Meera. How was your competition? You didn't call or text to update me. Did you win?" she asked. 

"I did," I said.

"Oh my God! Congratulations woman! You are on fire. I am so proud of you! But wait, why do you sound so morose? Are you okay?" she sobered up immediately as she realised my intonation was not celebratory.

"No, I am not. This might be the worst day of my life," I said miserably. 

Sarah said something, probably to excuse herself from company, and a second later I heard her ask me seriously,