Alterlife ⇝ Bucky Barnes [1]

eight.

08. | TRYING TO PROCESS.

LYDIA HAD BEEN WALKING WITHOUT A THOUGHT IN THE WORLD, IT WAS A MIRACLE THAT SHE RETURNED TO HER APARTMENT. She didn't have a concrete place in mind when she'd stormed out of the hospital, just the overwhelming feeling that she was trapped and needed to get out. She was suffocating more and more with each word that the doctor said. 

She took slow steps up the apartment stairs, dragging her foot against the ground because of how heavy her feet seemed now. That's what everything felt like: twenty tons of bricks that were pulling her under a violent current in the ocean. It was a feeling that she hadn't felt since her mother passed. That was a bit of a different feeling, though. Her mother's death was sudden and unexpected; she supposed that her father's illness was too, in a way, but Lena was already dead when they had found her that morning. Anthony was going to waste away in front of her eyes and she didn't know how she would handle that. If she even could. 

Mister Ellis wasn't outside of his door that evening and while it was a little upsetting, she was more grateful than anything. She didn't have the energy to smile and laugh and all the other things that she usually did. She didn't have the energy to tell him what all was wrong, either. She just walked through her door, closed it softly behind her and fell onto the sofa, her attention entirely on the wall in front of her.

Lydia felt as if her body was sinking into the cushions more than usual. She watched the colors of the sky dance on the wall, made all the more beautiful by the cracked glass windows. It was a kaleidoscope of orange, yellow, and pink against the cracked and chipping paint on the wall that was usually so blank. Walls that she usually felt so safe in and did her best to make feel like a home, even though she was the only one there most days.

She kept staring at the wall, barely blinking and thoughts far from where she was physically. The colors in the sky faded from their pastel hues into a dark, starry night and cold moonlight replaced the warmth of the sun's rays. It was still a bit warm, being a summer night and all, but everything around her didn't matter right then. Not even the sound of the door opening - or the appearance of the two people in the world who knew her best - made her stir. 

She felt the cushion below her sink even further, followed by added weight on her shoulder. Her eyes told her that it was Effie, while Ken went to the kitchen for something she couldn't see, but her mind couldn't process why they were there quite yet. 

"You didn't show up to work tonight. We were all worried about you." Effie's voice was soft, like usual, but it didn't invoke anything in Lydia like it was supposed to.

Lydia felt numbed to the world, in a way. She could smell and hear and see everything still, but nothing actually made her feel, not in the way that it was supposed to. Even the walk around New York earlier - which usually made her feel so small in a city so big - was empty to her.