This Isn't Me

I Can't Be That

 If you didn't know already my story Beyond A Reasonable Doubt is up for a Mystery/Suspense On The Rise Watty Award. I hope I can get all your votes. Every single one counts and is very much appreciated :) Enjoy.

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"You and Deb ready to get home?" Ashley asked as Spencer came back into her room. 

"Yeah." Spencer nodded and smiled. "I don't want my mom to go crazy worrying about us."

"Okay, let me just go tell Kyla." Ashley said walking out the room. 

"Okay." Spencer nodded gathering up her things and heading downstairs with Deb. She was confused about what to do. On one hand she really loved Ashley but on the other...Deb has always had a special place in her heart. After Ashley told Kyla she was taking Spencer and Deb home she came out to the car and drove to the Carlins.

"So, we hanging out tomorrow?" She asks Spencer as Deb walks up to the doorstep.

"Yeah sure." Spencer smiled. "Let me ask Deb if she wants to--"

"No." Ashley replied sharply, startling Spencer. "I mean just us. No Deb, and no Kyla." She clarified.

"Okay." Spencer responded a bit confused at Ashley's sudden need to hang out alone. "Just us. That's cool." She nodded and smiled again at her girlfriend. 

"Okay I'll see you at school." Ashley told her, leaning forward and giving her a quick kiss. Unbeknownst to them, someone was watching. Spencer got out of the car and headed into the house as Ashley pulled off. 

"Ready for bed?" Deb asked Spencer with a smile.

"Yeah." Spencer replied, returning a smile. "I need to do a few things first, I'll be up in a second."

"Okay."  Deb replied and ran up the stairs to Spencer's room. Spencer went into the living room and sat down. She was feeling overwhelmed. On one hand she really wanted to be with Deb, then on the other she wanted to be with Ashley. She didn't know who to choose. After about ten minutes she went upstairs to her room to find Deb in her bed.

"What are you doing?" Spencer asked.

"Going to bed." Deb replied seductively. 

"Since when do you sleep in my bed?" Spencer asked, getting undressed to put on her night clothes. 

"Since now. Come here." Deb told her patting the spot next to her on the bed.

"Deb, I don't think this is a good idea." Spencer told her as she walked towards the bed. She grabbed her shirt off the floor and threw it on.

"What's not a good idea?" Deb asked Moving closer to her "We're not doing anything." She added, barely audible. The tension in the room was thick. Spencer wanted Deb in ways she'd never imagined before, but she didn't want to do this. Not yet anyways.

"You know what I mean, Deb." Spencer swallowed thickly as Deb moved even closer. 

"No." Deb whispered. Inches away from Spencer's lips. "I don't so tell me." She said stroking Spencer's hair.

"Deb." Spencer was barely able to get out, she could feel Deb's warm breath on her lips. She knew exactly where this was headed. 

"Yes, Spence?" Deb replied as her lips closed the gap.

"This isn't a good idea." Spencer pulled back and told her. She was trying so very hard to fight the urge she was feelings. "We shouldn't." Spencer jumped up, shaking her head. "This isn't right. Right now I'm with Ashley, I can't do this to her. Not until I end things." Spencer tried to explain to her  friend.  "How about you take my bed and I'll sleep downstairs." Spencer said quickly and practically ran out of the room.

"Spencer!" Deb shouted after her but Spencer was gone. 'God, I ruin everything.'  Deb thought to herself as she laid down and went to sleep.

The next day they got up and got ready for school. Ashley had to come pick them up because Glen had already left. When they got to school they went straight to first period because they were already late.

After first period Spencer decided to walk with Ashley to her locker to get her Physics book. As they got closer to Ashley's locker they realized that there was a crowd around it. They pushed their way through the crowd to her locker to see the word dyke written across it. Ashley's mouth dropped open. Everyone started staring at her and whispering to each other. Ashley couldn't take it. Everything that she was afraid of was coming true. She ran as fast as she could to the parking lot, Spencer chasing after her.

"Ashley!" Spencer called to her retreating girlfriend. "Ashley, wait up." She tried but Ashley kept running. "Ashley, it's going to be okay." She said once she was closer to the brunette.

"No!" Ashley turned around abruptly and shouted. "It won't be OKAY Spencer! This is the very thing that I was afraid of. I don't want to be the school dyke Spencer. It's just too much!" She said trying to unlock her car door. 

"What are you saying?" Spencer asked, needing to hear the words from Ashley. 

"Spencer, I told you from the beginning, that this wasn't me, I can't do this anymore." Ashley shrugged and shook her head.  "I -- I can't be the school dyke Spencer!" She half shouted, taking Spencer aback.

"Who cares what other people think Ashley?" Spencer raises her voice a bit. The people who were gathered around Ashley's locker, now focusing on the couple.

"I DO!" Ashley shouted back. "I can't be with you anymore, everyone knows now." She shook her head and got into her car.

"Ashley!" Spencer said, trying to stop Ashley from closing the car door.

"NO SPENCER! What do you care anyways, you love Deb, and it was just a matter of time before you left me for her. So I'm doing you a favor." Ashley spat out, snatching the door from Spencer's grasps.

"W--wh--What are you talking about?" Spencer stuttered out. She couldn't believe what Ashley had just said. How could she have known her feelings for Deb?

"Oh don't play dumb Spencer! I saw you kiss her. You said that you and her would be together, you just needed to find a way to let me down gently."

"I never said that." Spencer replied.

"Not in those words, but you said it." Ashley threw back.

"Ashley I..." Spencer trailed off as the tears begin to fall. "I'm so--"

"Save it Spencer." Ashley spat out. "It's over." She added, slamming the door and speeding out of the parking lot. Leaving Spencer alone and crying, while half the school watched.

Suddenly everything became clear to Spencer. It wasn't Deb she wanted, it was the feelings she'd been after all along. She felt like in a way, since Kyla came along she'd been losing Ashley a little and she'd just wanted Deb's attention. Don't get me wrong, she loved Deb but she knew that her heart belonged to Ashley. She just wish she'd figured it out sooner.

But in that moment Spencer decided she was going to do everything in her power to win her girl back.