Toil and Trouble and Bad Decisions [The Misadventures of Theodosius - Book III]

Chapter 7

IT WAS A LONG AND ARDUOUS JOURNEY.

It was also very boring, which is why I am not going to tell you about it, except for that one bit just there where I told you it was both long and arduous.

After all, you have been with us long enough, Dear Reader, that you could probably write the chapter about this lengthy journey yourself. Bihatra did a lot of threatening and complaining. Theodosius did a lot of cowering. Elliott heaped them both generously with clever insults. And Tansy—well, Tansy was in a bottle, so she didn't do much of anything.

I value your time. I hope you know that by now. You and I, we're practically friends. And because I respect you—because, dare I say, I care about you—I'm going to skip you right to the good stuff.

You're welcome.

***

It was a sweltering summer day by the time our merry band of misadventurers reached their destination.

Theodosius was not a fan of summer. It was too hot a season to be respectable, in his opinion. He was damp, especially in the places he wished he weren't damp. The fact that he was wearing woolen robes did not help in the least.

He seemed to be the only one suffering the heat, which just made it worse. Bihatra, being a creature of Hell, was naturally content in the blazing sun and awful humidity. She was nearly cheerful, in fact. Have you ever been around a cheerful demoness?

It is scary.

"Terrifying, in fact," Theodosius said.

"What's terrifying?" asked Bihatra, turning her wide, sharp, terrifying grin upon Theo.

"...Nothing," Theo whimpered.

"You. He's still terrified of you. Predictable." Elliott trotted along at Theo's heels. Even he seemed to be in better spirits than was typical; he had never been known as a cheerful character. Then again, Elliott had no sweat glands any more, or internal organs, or skin, or any of the bits that normally got all hot and unpleasantly damp. What did he have to be grumpy about? Nothing. Nothing at all.

And there was Tansy, who was still in a bottle, not doing much of anything.

"This is not at all what I expected," Theo mumbled, trudging behind Bihatra as she led the way along a cobblestone walk. On either side of the road, which was paved and in good repair, there were tall, beautiful houses with large, sparkling windows and lush flower beds out front. The houses were painted in giddy colors. They had mailboxes and wind chimes and probably very few bears.

"What do you mean?" asked Tansy. Her voice from the bottle was very muted and squished. It sounded like her nose was stuffed.

"Well, it just looks so..." Theo gestured around at the pretty houses and their tidy gardens and their charming stone bird baths, grasping for a word. "...Nice."

"Why wouldn't it be nice?" Tansy asked. Theo had taken to wearing her on his hip, the bottle dangling from his belt. He had to walk carefully to avoid jostling her too much, but even so, the bottle tended to spin one way and then another.

"Because...well...because she's a witch."

"Oh. And because she's a witch, she's supposed to live in a creepy, awful house? A house with creaky floorboards and cobwebs all over? One of the ones with spooky, dead trees out front?"

"Yes. Maybe."

"Or is she supposed to live in a deep, dark forest, in a tiny cottage all surrounded by poison berry bushes? A cottage built out of the bones of the people she's killed?"