Toil and Trouble and Bad Decisions [The Misadventures of Theodosius - Book III]

Chapter 8

THE FOUR OF THEM STOOD ON THE DOORSTEP IN SURPRISE.

Well, three of them stood on the doorstep in surprise. Tansy could not be properly described as standing. She hung on the doorstep from Theo's belt in surprise.

"Do you need me to pick the lock again?" Elliott asked.

"I feel like that would be inappropriate in this circumstance," said Theo.

"Have you ever picked a lock under appropriate circumstances?" asked Tansy with a hint of alarm.

"Um," Theo said.

Bihatra looked angrier than usual, which was saying something. Her eyes flashed—actually flashed—and she stepped toward the door, pounding on it with a balled fist. "Open up, you greasy bag of rotting guts!"

A voice from the other side which sounded very much like the probably-zombie said, "No," without skipping a beat. After skipping one beat, it added, "And that was very hurtful."

"If you don't open this door, I'm going to burn it down!" the demoness snarled.

"!" said the probably-zombie. The door swung open immediately. "You can't do that! Madame Victoria doesn't have insurance."

"Then let us see her," said Bihatra.

"No. She is a very busy person. Go away." The probably-zombie started to swing the door closed, but before he could, Bihatra stepped forward, stopping the door with one strong, clawed hand. With her other strong, clawed hand, she grabbed the probably-zombie by the arm and shoved him back.

The arm splooched and popped and became suddenly loose in its long sleeve. There was a moment of perfect, horrified silence on the part of all parties involved, except for Bihatra, on whose part there was a moment of violent glee.

"You just tore off my arm," said the probably-zombie with frigid calm.

"And I'm about to hit you with it, if you don't let us in," said Bihatra, yanking the arm out of its sleeve.

Theodosius was struck by an errant and unwanted thought, just then. The thought was: It would be a lot harder for me to get things done if Bihatra weren't around.

It was alarmingly close to gratitude, so he grabbed the thought, shoved it into a box, locked the box, and threw it into a deep, dark well in the back of his mind.

Wincing, the probably-zombie backed away, raising his remaining arm to shield a face which was, from what Theo could see, not really worth protecting.

Bihatra stormed into the house, followed by Theo, who was followed by Elliott. Tansy continued to bump along on Theo's hip, safe in her bottle. They entered a gleaming hallway with ceilings that soared above them. Doorways opened to the right and to the left. As he hurried to keep pace with Bihatra, who had much longer legs, Theo caught glimpses of the rooms: a library with book-laden shelves that stretched to those high, high ceilings; a room lined with a variety of interesting skeletons; and a workshop with a gigantic cauldron in the middle and tall cabinets along the walls.

The hall opened up into a larger chamber with enormous windows framed by ostentatious blue velvet curtains fringed in gold. There was another sparkly chandelier in this room, and it was otherwise tastefully decorated with a few antique side tables, vases filled with flowers, and a man hanging morosely upside down in the corner. He was wearing a cassock, and his feet were tied together and hung from a hook in the ceiling.

In the center of the room, on a large purple couch with lots of fluffy pillows, lay a woman in a bathrobe. She was eating chocolates from a box and reading a paperback book, and also she was green.

"I'm so sorry, madam," said the probably-zombie breathlessly, staggering after Theo into the room. The jog down the hallway had caused him to work up a sweat, which had added a sour note to his parfum de mort.

"I said I did not have an opening in my schedule," said the green woman on the couch.

"I know, madam, and I said as much, but she—"

The woman flipped a page. "Do you want me to invert you, Franklin? Because I will invert you. How long do you think your legs would remain attached?"

Franklin glanced worriedly at the man in the corner, whose arms hung down past his face, his knuckles dejectedly brushing the floor. "Um—I, uh—let me get you some more chocolate." He started off to a door on the far side of the room, walking with a generally corpselike shuffle.

"Listen," said Bihatra. "We won't take up much of your time. We—"

"You've already taken up too much." The woman, who was presumably a witch—Victoria the Badass, to be specific—glanced up over the pages of her book at Bihatra, wearing an disapproving frown. The mere fact that she could muster any expression aside from abject terror when looking in Bihatra's general direction filled Theodosius with an immediate sense of awe.

"I'm sure your book is very interesting," said Bihatra with an edge of sarcasm sharp enough to draw blood, "but we're here because Stan recommended you."

Victoria narrowed her eyes. Then she snapped her book closed and sat up properly. As she put the book on her side table, Theodosius caught a glimpse of its cover. He was reminded of a selection of books he had seen when he had ventured to Earth with Bihatra and had wandered around a Discount Soopers: the illustration was of a buxom, pink-gowned lady whose clothes seemed to be falling off as she swooned all over a shirtless man with strangely shiny muscles.

"Well," said Victoria. "Stan and I go way back. I suppose I have to hear you out, or he'll send something to possess my tea kettle again."

Bihatra rolled her eyes and folded her arms. She looked at Theodosius and jerked her head toward Victoria. "There, now tell the b...witch what you want so I can go home."

Theo cleared his throat, approaching Victoria with the general posture of a pious octogenarian with lumbago groveling his way up to a shrine. "Ah...yes. You see..."

"..." said Victoria.

"My wife..."

She lifted her eyebrows, glancing from Theodosius to Bihatra. "Wow. Really? She is way out of your league."

"No," said Bihatra and Theo at once. Theo continued by untying the glass bottle from his belt and holding it up for Victoria's inspection.

"My wife is in here," he said. "She was, for a short period, not alive. I managed to bring her back from Heaven, but as you can see..."

Amusement glittered in Victoria's eyes. She took the bottle from Theo and turned it in her hands, examining it. Tansy grunted as she rolled it one way, and whimpered as she rolled it the other. "You're making me seasick," she said.

"I've never seen a Soul in a bottle before," said Victoria. "You could get a lot of money for this on the black magic market. Do you know how hard it can be to find fresh Souls?"

Theo snatched the bottle back from the witch and held it to his chest. He happened to know precisely how hard it was to acquire human souls, having tried it a couple of times. "She's not for sale. I want to bring her back properly. I want to give her her body back."

"Hmph." Victoria popped another chocolate in her mouth and leaned back onto a fluffy pillow as she chewed. "Well, you've come to the right place."