Toil and Trouble and Bad Decisions [The Misadventures of Theodosius - Book III]

Chapter 10

THEODOSIUS'S FLIP FLOPS SLAPPED MAJESTICALLY AS HE MARCHED OUT OF VICTORIA'S HOUSE. At his side shambled Franklin, looking rather morose at having to do the whole quest thing. At his other side bounced Tansy, still secured to his waist in her bottle. I keep mentioning that just to make sure you haven't forgotten that she's here and that she is incorporeal and stuffed into a bottle. At this point you're probably like, I know, I know, Tansy is minus a body and she's riding around in a tiny glass carriage, shut up about it already! And you know, you have a point: while it's a very particular mental image that I want to emphasize, you can't help but have realized that the entire reason Theo is experiencing this third novelette—

"Just call it a book!"

—is because his wife is wafty. So I can probably stop mentioning it, but I probably won't. Sorry about that in advance.

Anyway, as Theo stared grimly forward, metaphorically scowling at the journey ahead, it occurred to him that he should have changed his clothes. He was, after all, still wearing the items Bihatra had purchased for him at Discount Soopers. While comfortable, the garments were not exactly majestic.

It also occurred to him that he hadn't eaten since...

There was a clattering sound from somewhere outside of time and space. It was the sort of sound a pen might make, were it dropped by a startled author onto the floor. Again.

Theo, you haven't eaten anything since that candy in the hotel room, unless you count the lemonade you drank before you committed gnome larceny back in Pinkleton. The supper Tansy made ended up in the bear.

"I could have told you all of that," said Theo, stopping his march at the end of Victoria's front walk.

Then why didn't you? You must be starving!

"Well, I'm not not hungry, but when compared against the exquisite torment of standing in a queue in the vestibule of Hell for sixteen years, a number of mundane concerns become less troubling."

We need to write in a trip to a restaurant. One of these readers is going to accuse me of sorcerer abuse.

"While it would please me immensely for Magicworkers Protection Services to get involved in our relationship, my priority at the moment is Tansy. I'd rather get this book, get back to this witch, get Tansy a body, and go home."

Are you certain you don't want—

"Besides—Tansy, can you even eat right now?"

"That is an excellent question. One I didn't consider before trying to make supper back at the cottage," said Tansy. "Huh."

"Are you hungry?"

The bottle gave a little quiver, as if the Soul inside had shaken her head. "Not at all."

Franklin raised his hand. It was the hand on the arm that had fallen off, which he had brought along for reasons known only to himself. "I could—"

"Fine," said Theo. The last time he'd been stuck with a random magical creature on a quest, things had gone south very quickly. He wasn't going to build rapport with Franklin. He was going to make it clear from the start who was in charge. "We're not going to stop to eat, then, because I'll want to order fries, and I can't get a whole order of fries if you're not going to share them with me. It would just be a whole thing. Let's focus on getting the book and soon enough we'll be splitting fries like in the old days."

Franklin looked disappointed and lowered his hand.

Tansy hummed with contentment. "So we just need to find a book store."

"That should be easy." Theo looked down and to the right, and then down and to the left, and then he turned around, frowning. "Where is Elliott?"

Franklin looked at Theo with mild concern, and then he looked up at the sky, as if the author existed to provide help of some kind.

I thought he was with you.

Theo directed a grumpy frown to the sky, a frown this author most certainly did not deserve. It honestly demonstrated a very bad attitude in need of a serious adjustment, and it cemented the author's determination never to have children in order to never have teenagers.

Then, our honorable sorcerer marched back toward the witch's beautiful house. With an expression of mild concern, Franklin started after him, but owing to his general state of decomposition, he could not walk very fast. Thus, when Theo was bursting through the door, Franklin had not even made it halfway back to the house.

"Elliott?" called Theodosius.

No response.

He headed down the hall toward the large room where they had consulted with Victoria.

"Where could he have gone?" asked Tansy who, just in case you have forgotten, was still in her bottle at Theo's hip.

"I don't know," said Theo. "I hope she didn't steal him. Cat vertebrae are a potent spell ingredient."

Victoria was no longer in the large sitting room. The only human present was the man wearing a cassock, who was still hanging from the ceiling by his feet in the corner.

Theodosius offered him an awkward wave.

The man reciprocated. "Hello. Don't mind me."

So Theo didn't. He looked round the room and saw the large, spotted cat, still seated on the couch where Victoria had been lounging. It was grooming itself, running its pink, rasped tongue along one long, elegant foot. And on the floor just inside the door they had just come through was Elliott, staring.

"Elliott," Theo said, clearing his throat. "Come on, it's time to go."

"I don't want to leave," said Elliott.

"What?" asked Tansy. "You don't want to come with us?"

"I can't," said Elliott. "I need to stay here. My whole life has flashed before my eyes, Tansy: marriage, kittens—everything I thought I'd never have! Everything I thought I'd never wanted!"

"Oh, great," said Theodosius. "Don't tell me you—"

"I have fallen head over paws in love." Elliott turned his head, fixing Theo with his large, empty eye sockets. "I have. My heart is lost."

"It's not lost, we just boiled—"

"My heart is metaphorically lost," Elliott said disdainfully. "To him. My love, my life, my darling. I need to ask for his name!"

"Listen, there will be plenty of time for you to be in love when we get back. I'd leave you here, actually, if I could, but you're the only one of us who knows how to pick locks, and I can't promise that won't be necessary on this quest. Besides, watching the object of your affections bathe is not the ideal start of a romance."

Elliott sighed. It was a strange little sigh, more a quiver of his tiny feline bones than an actual sound.

"Besides, it takes—" Theo hesitated. He glanced down at Tansy's bottle and then put his hands on either side of it, as if covering her ears. "It can take a while for you to work up the courage to talk to the person you like. Come with us, and you'll have the leisure to plan precisely what you're going to say when you meet him."

Elliott got up. With one longing, lingering glance over his shoulder, he led the way out of Victoria the Badass's house, and thus they began their quest.