Past The Mistakes

10 | you bring me nervous butterflies

"You had me even before you knew you did."

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NERVOUS butterflies danced in my stomach as I lay in bed thinking about yesterday and what today was actually going to mean for me.

He was starting school. That idiot was actually going to go to Merville High School starting today.

I knew that if I ever lost Kayden, it would hurt harder than it ever did with Tyra yesterday...

I knew that it was because Kayden was special.

In some ridiculously weird way, he was. Maybe because I feel more sober now than ever. 

I think back to yesterday, the way he was able to cheer me up every time when I was at my worst.

My grandpa wasn't the best in the cheering-up department and I didn't blame him though. My mother had never been one to confide in her parents, she had always turned to drugs, alcohol, money, and my father who was equally messed up in the head.

A match made in hell. They were destined to ruin each other.

My grandfather was never there to be a parent; he never had the opportunity with her. My aunt Marie was also special. She had always turned to my grandmother rather than him when she needed anything. It was because she had my grandma were so close that my aunt was very affected along with my grandfather and me when my grandmother passed away.

In terms of how my grandfather would react to my emotions, he would give me space whenever I was upset or feeling down. He was getting better at it; he was learning how I behaved when I was upset and how he could help settle the storm in my heart.

I appreciate effort; it's all that really counts.

Kayden on the other hand gave me his assurance, his warmth, his kindness, his patience, and his ears if I ever wanted to talk. It was humiliating though, to open up. It was something I was never really good at and I didn't think I was ever going to get better at.

My problems are my own - they aren't someone else's burden to carry.

Yet no matter what, I always ended up coming back to his arms, crying about how unfair the world was to me. It was embarrassing but he didn't take it as that. He looked at my sadness in another light, as if I was an angel, crying about being chained down to hell.

Another truth was that today, Kayden was going to start school.

On this fresh Monday morning, my only friend was going to join the countless other teenage kids our age in attending Merville Highschool.

If nothing good came out of it, I hoped that he would check their gym for the basketball court. Kayden was extremely good at Basketball, I bet nobody at that school was as good as him when it came to the sport. I hoped that he would come out at least signed up for tryouts for their basketball team or something because there is no way he wouldn't get in.

I didn't need to be a genius or professional athlete to know that playing outside was quite different than playing at a real court with proper flooring without random pebbles to trip on or an uneven surface to bias the ball.

He deserved that at least, the opportunity to feel free and excited about something new in his life.

I had also been thinking about surprising Kayden with a hanging basketball net one that would be relatively better than the poor tree that always seemed to be the target of his orange ball. I had seen a basketball net like the one I was searching for on the Amazon website that was a decent price and brand. I was considering getting that for Kayden.