Never Go To A Stark Party

Chapter 23

To say Steve was at a loss for words would be an understatement. He knew Bucky probably felt hopeless—hell, he was beginning to understand why—but to learn that he felt like this...he didn't know what to say.

"I..." Steve's stare softened, and he looked away. Bucky could only let out a bitter laugh and loosen his hold on the blonde's hand as they continued to walk. Yeah, that seemed appropriate. As much as Steve could hear about what he was going through, could listen to Bucky vent and rant, he wouldn't ever be able to understand....No one would.

...No. That wasn't true. Tony knew how he felt, and he wasn't even close to the man. If the playboy could understand, so could Steve, and so could anyone else that he needed to. Bucky spared a glance at Steve, and he wasn't surprised to see the blonde's face scrunched up in thought. Most likely he was thinking of something he could say, do, to comfort him.

The two men remained in silence on their way home, both of their hands loosening but never actually letting the other go.

When they eventually reached the tower Tony owned they spared no time in getting into the elevator and pressing the button that was Steve's floor. Silence filled the elevator and the tension that radiated between them was so thick it was nearly suffocating. But still, their hold on each other never let up.

The ding! of the elevator stopping on the right floor broke him out of his daze and for a split second, Steve glanced over at Bucky. Just as quickly as he looked, though, he looked away. He didn't want to upset the man anymore with his staring.

The walk to Steve's room was awkward. Neither had said anything, and as Steve unlocked the door, both desperately wished that the time would go by a lot faster. Finally, the door clicked open, and the taller male pushed it open in relief.

"You, uh, you first." He muttered softly as he moved aside, finally letting Bucky's hand go. He was a gentleman as always.

Instead of replying, Bucky simply entered the room and couldn't help the way his muscles relaxed and his nose inhaled the paint-scented air. He looked around the room, a light smile on his face. The room was pretty neat besides the few miscellaneous art supplies lying around. It was pretty obvious that Steve had yet to really make himself at home.

"So..." Steve began, dragging Bucky out of his thoughts. The blonde didn't really know what he wanted to say—he just knew that he wanted to talk to him; he always did.

...But it was more than that this time. He didn't want to leave their previous conversation on such a sour note. Bucky deserved to feel happiness even in such a stressful situation, and while he may not know what to say to make him happy, he could at least try doing something.

"So." Bucky replied, a small, tired grin on his face. He could see what Steve was trying to do, and it comforted him to a certain extent. He turned his back to look at him then let out a soft oof as Steve suddenly hugged him, his embrace tight. After a few moments, he chuckled and hugged back. "What's wron—"

"Don't talk," Steve muttered softly into Bucky's neck, his face buried in it. "Just..." He sighed. "Let me just hug you." He could only imagine how Bucky would try to avoid the way he was feeling, and he didn't want the man to do that—not anymore.

The brunette didn't say much after Steve shushed him. If this made Steve feel better, then he would do it. But...he didn't want to give him the wrong impression—Steve was probably thinking that he was trying to change the subject, avoid the consequences of what he'd said. He waited a few more minutes to say anything, though.

"Stevie, what's wrong?" He asked softly, trying to start the conversation off gently. Finally, he'd have the conversation he had with Tony, with Steve.

Steve didn't reply for a few moments. The question rang through his head, and he couldn't find an answer to it. There was a lot wrong, and yet at the same time, there wasn't—at least, with him. With Bucky, he presumed, there was, but he was just an outsider looking in on Bucky's life, so there wasn't jackshit wrong with him. God, was he making this about himself?!

Instantly, Steve pulled away, and guilt flooded through him, made itself comfortable in his heart.

Just as he was about to speak, usher out a hectic apology, Bucky placed a finger on his lips and made a shh sound. They both had a lot to say, but he wanted to go first. Steve only stared on at him, face slightly confused.

"Listen...," the brunette began, sighing lightly. "Those things I said earlier, I uh... I meant them. I know you probably didn't expect me to mention any, but..." Bucky spared a hesitant glance towards Steve before he continued. "Before we got together, before I was even pregnant, I was havin' these dreams—nightmares. Nightmares so bad I'd wake up screaming and crying."

"It got to the point where I couldn't even sleep. As you can imagine, it, uh,... I became depressed—more depressed than I'd ever been." He was quick to correct himself since he'd been depressed even before his sudden insomnia. He figured since he was being honest, it wouldn't hurt to talk about this too.

"I know I should've told you a long time ago. But I just—we were both so busy, and I just couldn't bring it up because I didn't want to worry you."

Pausing so that he could look at Steve, see how he was reacting, he was surprised to find that the blonde's expression was hard, the only indication that he was hearing Bucky being the slight furrow of his brows. He finally met Bucky's eyes when he motioned for him to go on.

"....The pregnancy worsened it. At first, I couldn't believe I even had sex with some guy, let alone get pregnant from the fucking dude. I thought this had to be some fucked up dream--but all the fucking symptoms were there, so I knew it wasn't." Sighing as he recalled the thoughts and feelings he had felt when he first learned the truth, he then continued slowly, "It all just... it reminded me that no matter how safe I think I am, how far I can run from them, fight them, they will always find a way to hurt me."

"But I don't feel like that anymore. Learning that you were the one who...did it with me," he blushed as he said the words, "It made the situation seem better. Learning that you loved me made me want to love myself, maybe even love the baby... Your feelings made me recognize my own. I'm sorry I didn't tell you any of this, Steve. God, I even told Tony before I told yo--"

Steve kissed Bucky before he could finish what he was saying.

Really, it was all he could think to do at that moment--correction: wanted to do at that moment. God, it was easy to forget how strong Bucky was when Steve spent all his time worrying over the man. The soldier was one of the toughest men Steve knew, and before he had been turned into a mindless killing machine, before Steve had been genetically enhanced, he had always been the one to remain levelheaded, to take whatever the world could throw at him with a cocky grin and a knee-weakening wink.

While definitely caught by surprise at the suddenness of Steve's kiss, Bucky quickly melted into it and reciprocated the affection. He moved his arms to the blonde's neck and wrapped himself around him, trying to practically fuse with him.

Steve's lips were soft and warm, and they were all the brunette needed to know that he was forgiven.

A/N: new chapter!!! and it came faster than the other one!! :D

I hope you guys like it, though its definitely not anything exceptionally good Dx

honestly it feels like a filler chapter to me?? i think the boys are kinda at a stalemate rn, so get ready for some spiciness (to the plot haha ;3) in the next for chapters <3

as always though, sorry for the wait, and see you next time!