Where Are My Eyes If They're Not Forward?

5. since i was twelve

maya

"I think we should go to the ER."

"NO! Carina, no!" I pull my entire body away from hers. I shoot to the edge of the bed.

I need to go on a run.

That's what I need to do.

"Maya..." She warns, sliding over to me.

Where can I go? I do not know the way home from Carina's place. I wish I payed more attention on the car ride.

"Calm down....I...I want you to be safe...I think we should get you some professional help. I don't know what to do to keep you safe."

"Nothing!" I retort, turning back to the brunette behind me. "I am safe Carina! I knew I shouldn't have told you anything!"
I throw my hands in the air.

Carina starts playing with the split ends of my hair and I still can't look at her.
"I am so so glad you told me, and I am honoured that you felt safe enough to do so."

"Well, I regret it now, don't I!" I grumble to myself more than anything.

"Okay. Okay. No hospitals." Carina relents. "I... I will t-trust you."

"No hospitals." I look her in the eye.

"But talk to me, Maya. Let me help. Reassure me...let me reassure you."

"There's nothing more to say. You'll think I'm crazy!"

"I'm sorry, if I reacted badly. You're right. No hospitals. Not today. I just got scared, because I've only just got you Bambina, and you start talking about not wanting to be here...." Carina attempts to placate me.

"I'm not going to act on the thoughts. I won't. They're constant, but fleeting none the less." I hope the steeling of my voice is conveyed to Carina. I'm doing my best to stop the quiver in my throat from falling out.

"But you said you had urges?"

"Oh yeah...."

"Please don't try and say what you think I want to hear." Carina begs. "Be honest with me, and I promise I won't freak out this time. Do you have an urge to harm yourself right now?"

"I-uh-No."
I'm aware that eye contact falls away as soon as I start to be honest. I feel naked, like the Italian can see into my soul through the window of my eye. I'm just not willing to be so exposed.

"Then no hospitals. Okay, Bella? I am so sorry for scaring you." She reaches out her slender yet strong hand, places it on my shoulder and pulls me back against the headboard again. She's got a permanent gaze on me. Mine is pointed at the comforter.

"You said you started feeling like this when you were twelve?" Carina attempts to continue.

I can't help but roll my eyes. I shouldn't.

"Carina. I am done talking. I never should've opened my mouth."

"I want to help you Maya." Carina begs.

"I don't need help. I never have." I argue.

"Maybe you did need help, you just never got it. You were telling me about your dad?"

"Yes.... well he helped me loads. I won an olympic gold medal."

"you did? Wow! You've got to show me! Is it big? Is it heavy? Can I try it on?" The energy in Carina increases with each question. For a second I'm worried she'll fly up to the ceiling, the excitement in her body causing her to use the bed as a trampoline.