Where Are My Eyes If They're Not Forward?

10. truth is, i'm a little bit jealous of my dead friend

TRIGGER WARNING

carina

I'm scrubbing out of a c section when I feel my phone buzz in my pocket. I don't usually keep the pale blue device on me at work, but since meeting Maya, I've been more inclined to use social media and text, not wanting to miss a moment of interaction with the blonde I've come to like. Instead of an update on how her day is going like I usually receive this far into the day, Maya's contact flashes up with something more confusing.

Penguins- Andy.

Penguins?
And why is Andy texting from Maya's phone?

I rack my brain for reasons why there's a nauseating feeling in my tummy.

"Maybe we could have a code word, penguins for example. If you text me penguins, I know you're in a dark place."

The early conversation has been somewhat unmentioned for a little while. Maya's seemed so well, but I realise that may be naive of me. If she's felt this way since 12, she would've learnt how to function over the top of it, and really i shouldn't be judging how she functions at all when it's obviously no reflection of how she is feeling.

"Dr Bailey!" I clatter through the doors, thankful I catch the Chief on walk abouts. "I need to leave. I have an emergency."

"Deluca, what's wrong?" I've had a few days off recently so it's not surprising Bailey is pressing for information.

"I...uh.... A friend of mine, she uhhhh...... well she..."

"Spit it out, I thought this was an emergency!" The short woman makes a good point.

"A friend of mine. A very very close friend of mine just messaged me. She's having suicidal thoughts."

"Oh my gosh! Go! Go!" She shoos me away, then stops. "Shall I call psych? She needs to come in!"

"No, I promised no hospitals."

"Carina, you can't do that."

"Si, but I can keep her safe!" I argue.

"Honey" the doctor lets the term of endearment fall from her mouth and she steps closer, placing her motherly hand on the small of my back. "It is not your job. You don't have to fix your friend. You don't have to be the superhero all the time."

"No, but she's scared, and I promised to be there for her."

"So go. Text me and I'll have a psych bed in seconds."

"She won't need it-" 

"- it's on standby, just in case"

I see no point in arguing Maya's case. It will only slow down my journey to her. Although, now Bailey has planted the seed in my mind, I am wondering if Maya needs more intervention than the therapist she tolerates sporadically. Who am I to judge her psychological state? I'm too involved. Yet, Maya has been so brave in trusting me with her emotions. She's learning to be more forward. I should take that as a positive, right? Perhaps she just needs more people in her community. Her friend Andy must have no idea what's going on. Passive suicidality is one thing, but urges are another.

"Bambina?" I call urgently.

"Carina, hi!" A cheerful firefighter approaches.

"Where's Maya?"

"All the girls are in Captain's bunk. They looked shattered bless them!" Warren smiles. "Have you seen Miranda today? She had a headache at home and I thought-"

"-sorry Warren, got to go!" I call over my shoulder.

Maya's office is dark and the door to her bunk closed. I knock tentatively.