Where Are My Eyes If They're Not Forward?

20.

I've lost the document where I had a chapter plan for this story- so I've gone rogue. Enjoy!

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Carina

I recognise the soft tresses of brunette in front of me. Amelia. Who else has such porcelain skin with simultaneous sharp angles. The sharpness of the woman is all I can focus on as the panic attack ravaging my body disorientates my senses.

"Both of you need to breathe."

I assume Amelia is talking about Maya, and I assume it is Maya who accounts for the weight on the couch next to me.

Amelia places her hands on my thighs- well one hand on my thigh and the other on my girlfriends. She models slow breathing and the harsh angles of Amelia start to bring me back to earth. The panic is still there, but I'm in the room. I'm in the room and I can see Maya also struggling for air. I abruptly reach out my hand and grasp at my girl, who squeezes back in recognition. We breathe.

"That's it Carina. I need you to slow that breathing down. Too fast." Amelia coaches. I can see her now, perched on our coffee table, periodically checking on Maya who seems to be softening now I can see again.

"Mi scuse." I gasp, inhaling a tear that is falling rapidly. God, I must look so stupid.

"You don't need to a-apologise Car." Maya translates.

"No apologising." Amelia affirms. "No talking. Just breathing please."

I do as I am told. I find it best to obey Amelia in most things.

The three of us must be in silence for a good ten minutes. Maya's foot jitters the way it does, with an unrhythmic tapping throwing the beat of my breath off, but Amelia raises her eyebrows at the firefighter and were plunged into silence again. It's reassuring to have my best friend and girlfriend beside me in moments of fear. I hope I am showing Maya that it's okay to be vulnerable, despite my minor embarrassment (okay major) at the blubbering mess my mentally ill girlfriend came home to me in- and all over a stupid turned off phone. I shake my head at myself.

"I am okay." I mumble somewhat bashedly.

"You're not." Both women say at the same time and the chuckle disrupts the rhythm of my breath again. It's not best to get the giggles when your lungs are already in spasm.

"If you were okay, your girlfriend wouldn't have called me for the worlds biggest panic attack I have ever seen." Amelia tuts.

Maya snuggles up to me once I can tolerate the touch.
"That was a bad one babe." 

"Si."
I can recognise that she is shaken by my reaction, although after the session with diane, and with the knowledge that I will be beginning my own, I hope she understands just how much I care for her, and how her reckless behaviour has impacted me. I'm not blaming her, of course. I just hope in some sick way, that my own anxiety will help her realise she needs to come home to me.

"Any trigger?" Says Amelia.

"I turned my phone off." Maya says.

Amelia doesn't clock why that was significant, and I take a look at Maya, asking for her consent to be honest. It's unclear whether I'm okay to speak, so I let Maya.

"I...." Maya clears her throat. "Amelia... can I trust you, as a medical professional, to keep this private?"

"Of course." Amelia answers immediately, her brows furrowed, showing Maya that she is deadly serious.

I'm still breathing. One breathe at a time, but interested to see where this conversation will go. God knows I need a confidant.

"Because..." Maya continues. "I want you to support Carina. You're her friend. I think... well .... Following recent revelations..." Maya stutters.