Intertwined Souls (JiTzu)

Chapter 20

Warning: This chapter touches upon depression, drug usage, and self harm.

Sunday Midnight: 1:00 A.M Following the Saturday of Chapter 18

Tzuyu's POV

I was staring up at the ceiling as I listened to Jihyo-unnie sleep. We weren't cuddling because she went to sleep a bit earlier than me. It was difficult to fall asleep because I would see the moment of Jihyo-unnie crying over and over again when I closed my eyes.

I let out a sigh as I decided to quietly slip out of bed. I left my room and made sure to not wake Jihyo-unnie up as I left. I walked over to the kitchen and started making hot chocolate. For some reason or another, hot chocolate had become a form of comfort for me instead of alcohol or drugs. Although, I wished it could curb my addiction but that will most likely never happen.

I grabbed my cup and walked out onto the balcony. I sat down on one of the two chairs that were already set up and looked towards the star filled sky. I wrapped both of my hands around the cup to feel the warmth radiating from it. I took a quick sip and let out a satisfied sigh as I felt my body warm up.

I stared up at the sky for a couple of seconds before a tear fell from my right eye. I tried wiping it away, but more tears came out. Tears started pouring from my eyes to the point that I had to put my cup down on the little table beside me. I started hugging my body as it began to shake badly.

I felt disgusted when I harmed Dahyun and Chaeyoung because of my episodes. They always told me it was okay, but I could tell that they were hurting ever so slightly. History decided to just repeat itself as if it was always meant to be. I was not allowed to have any happiness before everything just comes crashing down. I don't want this. I never asked for this! Why do I have to suffer like this?! To make it all worse, I had to go and hurt the woman that I love. I have hurt the one person who has made me happy and brightened my life for the first time in my entire existence. How can I live with myself after doing that? Clearly, I don't deserve happiness and I don't deserve to be with Jihyo-unnie.

"I don't deserve anything," I whispered as I pulled my knees to my chest and continued to cry.

Thursday Afternoon: 1:30 P.M

I have been trying my best to avoid Jihyo-unnie as much as possible these past couple of days. I could not look at her without being reminded of what I did. It made my days darker and gloomier. All of this reminded me of how I felt after every episode with Dahyun and Chaeyoung. I would always feel down and like a burden to them. This time was even harder. I could not avoid Jihyo-unnie at all and just felt my heart sinker further and further into the abyss of darkness that I thought I had finally escaped.

I decided that I would go today to buy what I needed. Jihyo-unnie wanted to come with me, but I quickly rejected her and left the restaurant as fast as I could. She didn't need to know what I was doing. If anything, it's for the best that she didn't know what I was doing. I didn't deserve her presence after what I did; I didn't deserve to be with her as if nothing happened.

"Here's the money," I said as I gave money to the man in front of me as we stood in an alleyway.

The man took the money and counted it before giving me the bottle, "Here you go. It's been a while since I have seen you. I thought you were dead or something."

"Well, you can clearly see that I am not dead," I coldly replied.

The man chuckled, "I see you haven't changed."

I smirked, "That's what you think."

The man gave me a confused look, "Okay? Anyways, you know where I am if you need more," he said before leaving.