music and other poetic shit

This is Home - Cavetown

venting.

-

Boy.
i want to be a boy so bad.
i don't want to be trans.
i want to be a pretty cis boy with fluffy brown hair and a cute smile.
i want short hair.
i cant have short hair.
i want a flat chest.
i cant.
my mother is so happy that i was born a girl.
all she wanted was someone to dress up and paint nails with.

Nails.
i may want to paint my nails, but it's considered feminine.
a trans boy can't be feminine.
well they can, but people will just call them a girl.
i want to wear big dresses but i can't, it's too girl like.
i can't be a girl.

internalized transphobia.
when i was younger i would always make attack helicopter and don't assume my gender jokes, not realizing how bad they were.
my parents have always made fun of trans people.
always.
the worst thing my brother has said to me before i was about to come out was "i hate people that think they are trans!! like you can only be trans if you look and sound like a guy."
what.
no.
that's not right.
i was born a girl and i will always be one.
i have to be happy in the body i'm in.

Others.
ever notice how some trans people at least have some masculine characteristics.
it's not fair.
i have nothing.
my parents call me emo.
my brother calls it stupid.
i look like a girl.
i will always be a girl no matter what.
i can't be a boy.

falling.
it feels like it.
falling.
never stopping.
falling down a deep hole with nothing to stop you.
why cant it stop.
is it because the ground will hurt me?
do i want to be hurt?
would i rather keep falling or get majorly hurt?
falling down the hole.
it's never going to stop, is it?

once.
once my dad called me *brothers name*'s brother.
of course he corrected himself after, but that doesn't mean i didn't feel happy when he said it.
he didn't mean it. 
i just...
i dont think he will ever call me a boy.
he thinks i'm being influenced by social media or something.
that it's "a phase"
when will it end then?
when will the phase end?
i want it to end already.
i want this phase to be gone.

Friend.
oh.
my friend messaged me.
i guess i'll have to act happy.
they mean so much to me, i could never tell them the truth.
i know how it feels to be an over thinker, so i will try and be enthusiastic.
as much as i want to reply with "hm", i know its rude.
it always caused me panic.
it made me feel like i did something wrong.

age.
another big thing that affects me is the fact that i'm pretty young.
like i'm not 9 but i'm still young.
i know for a fact if i speak it will be called a phase.
i hope it is.
i want it to end.
phases end, right?

Ache.
everything hurts.
my head.
my stomach.
my muscles.
my back.
my head.
my head hurts a lot.
it always hurts though, i guess.
i guess only getting 2 hours of sleep will cause that.

Contain.
i have to keep to myself.
no one wants to hear my problems.
i don't want people to be sad.
no one deserves to be sad.
i would take all of the sadness in the world to myself if that meant everyone else was happy.
i have to contain my cries.
i have to contain my worries.
i have to contain my stress.
i have to pretend.
i will pretend.

625 words