music and other poetic shit

rant.

just a quick rant.

Big tigger warning to derealisation.

For the past few days my parents have been attacking me for things i can't control. First it was my laugh, (which im already extremely insecure about) then my voice, (also very insecure) and now the way i dress.

I walked out to the living room where my mom and dad were, because i needed to get something quickly.
My mom asked me if i wanted to go to the store with her and maybe get some clothes, in which i asked if i *had* to go, because i was busy.

For some reason this made my mom get really mad at me, because apparently i don't want to look good. She started yelling at me more and more and then my dad joined in. They were both telling me how ugly i am and how i'm a terrible person.

I was trying to tell them that i don't care anymore, i'll go to the store as long as they stop listing off everything they hate about me, which made them claim i was "playing mind tricks."

I never once tried to manipulate or gaslight them once, i just told them the truth. I started crying because i've been holding in my tears for a few days. (They we're doing the same exact thing the other days while talking about my voice and my laugh.)

After that they just said something among the lines of "of course, now you're crying! You are always crying then stomping away to your room." Which obviously only made me cry more.

Once they went into a different room, whilst still ridiculing me, i ran to my room. I quickly texted one of my closest friends, and asked them if they could talk to me if they weren't busy.

They didn't respond right away, which is fine, everyone does their own things. But in this situation it only made me feel worse.

My mom walked in and started yelling at me more. Telling me everything she hated about me. I ended up having a bit of an outburst, yelling at her about how i cant do anything in this house without getting fucking mocked or attacked.

She said that im wrong and im just a bad person, before telling me that i have 20 minutes to get ready before we go to the store.

She luckily left the room, closing the door. At this point i have a breakdown, a start hyperventilating and pretty much have a panic attack.

I try and see if my friend has responded but they haven't even seen the message yet. I go onto twitter and see that i have zero notifications. I go onto wattpad and see the same.

At this point my vision because really blurry, and my breath becomes more and more frantic. Ive heard of derealisation episodes, but i didn't ever experience one until now.

Everything around me becomes blurry, almost like a large fog is surrounding me. I go onto twitter and type out,

"// derealisation

can you guys confirm you're real?? i cant really see or feel anything."

But because of my extremely shaky hands, it was very misspelled.

No one responded right away which made me really confused. I didn't know where i was, i didn't know who i was, i didnt even know when this would end.

It felt like i was falling into a long hole, never stopping and only getting harder to breathe. I couldn't see the end, i felt trapped.

i end up messaging two of my friends, one of them being the same i messaged earlier. Something like "hey are you real."

The thing is, when i was texting these, i felt like i was overreacting on the situation, but i could barely even be considered conscious.

Someone ended up replying on my twitter posts, as i made multiple asking for approval that everything was real.

I kinda snapped out of it for a bit. I could feel my surroundings, and i could tell i was in my own room. I was thinking i was going to be okay, until i remember the reason that i was like this in the first place.

This causes me to go back into the derealisation episode, falling back into the hole harder than before. I grabbed the hair-brush that was next to me, trying to see it was real or not, but i couldn't even feel it. I *could* feel it, but it didn't go to my mind that i was feeling it.

I start freaking out more and more, hyperventilating faster than before. I couldn't even breathe, i was extremely lightheaded which attributed to the derealisation.

Everything around me felt funny, i couldn't even tell what i was doing. I fully blacked out. I was no longer in control of my body. I was just sitting there, crying on my bed with no comfort.

I was still scrolling through my phone though, trying to find anything that would make me feel like i'm a real person. This goes on for about 30 minutes. 30 minutes of mind torture.

After a while i start to realize that i'm real and i'm going through some sort of panic attack.

This clears my head a bit, and i start to breath a bit less shaky now. Another person on twitter replies to me and says that they are infact real, and listed off what they were doing.

I feel better now, but my hands are still shaking. I message my friend again and tell them that i'm okay, and they don't need to reply soon anymore.

They actually see my messages as soon as i send it, and apologize for not seeing them sooner. I end up summarizing what happened to them, becoming more calm.

My mom walks in again, acting like nothing even happened, and asked if "i'm feeling better now."

She wasn't even present while i was going through one of the most mentally tiring things in my life, and she acts like it was some silly overreaction.

I get up and put on my shoes. I can barely feel my feet as i was still coming out from the episode.

I end up going to the store with my mom, acting like nothing even happened. I wanted to scream at her and tell her how much i didn't want to go, but i couldn't.

I cant speak.

Ive tried over and over again.

I cannot speak without being told what i've done wrong.

So i guess i'll do what i always do, close my mouth and stay in my room.

I don't even need to ever exit my room.

i just need to stay here.

Away from them.

.

sorry for ranting

1140 words