"I will ruin you baby," he whispers digging his nails into my hips sending a chill cascading down my spine.
"Then ruin me Jude, ruin me till there's nothing left of me." I spoke softly, "make me feel something, make me feel anything, make me feel al...
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Margot Trynn Walker was gold incarnate, she was one of those people who deserved all the good things this world had to offer. She was the lead ballerina, I was her second in command even though I barely knew her. It was she who was supposed to lead swan lake this year, not me, it was her dance, she knew all the steps, she was a feather in the autumn breeze, Grace personified. But here's the thing that I didn't want to tell you, perhaps out of shame or perhaps out of some leftover envy.
It is that Margot went missing just before we left for summer break, like a pebble in a rushing stream, an old key in the backseat, money in a poor bet. She was completely and unmistakably gone now. Not to mention she left without a trace like snow in summer, almost like she was never there. But then again if anyone were to do so, it'd be her, she always felt like a daydream. You bet your lucky stars that The very second she left it was my time to shine, her second is command was now reigning at the top, undefeated, untouchable- I was my very own shade of gold.
Margot had high cheekbones that could cut you and curly blonde hair, so blonde it was almost completely white. She had rosy full bee-stung lips that made her look like she'd just drank a carton of strawberry milk. She was the epitome of the beauty standard and yet there was something about her that seemed...different.
Margot was enough. Nice enough, kind enough, smart enough, talented enough, and good enough to slip right under everyone's eye. And I like to believe that she'd always intended for it to be that way. That way, no one really knew her, no one could ever find her, and no one even knew where to start. She was between Jasper Marigold's sheets all through junior year and that was no secret, they made no effort to hide it. She lost her virginity to him the second she got the chance.
But I don't believe in purity culture or even the entire concept of virginity holding any value whatsoever, sex is sex it's meant to be fun and consensual and that's about it.
The twisting of doorknobs past midnight, Margot's roommate Lux Wells having to bunk with Marcy and I for all the most absurd reasons, the tussled hair midday, and the overall sexed-up look Jasper had since he met her.
They were a rapid tragedy of sorts, destined to collide and fall apart all at once. She slipped through his fingers like silk in summer.
I'm trying to be honest, I'm trying to make you understand, so here is all that I know of Margot Trynn Walker.
1. She liked 80's music, I heard her listening livin' on a prayer by Bon Jovi late after class one day, she had a record player in her dorm room with endless collections. She got sent a new one every Saturday, from whom I have no idea.
2. She only wore pink nail polish, carmine to be exact, she wrote in only black ink, how do I know this? Because I sat next to her for months in English, she also spent most time writing in the margins than doing anything actual work.
3. She had an ace of spades tattooed on her hip bone, I noticed it in the locker room after PE one day when I let my gaze drift to her soft fair skin, curly blonde hair, and black eyes that made her seem like she was always high, maybe she was.
4. She called the same phone number every time we got phone privileges, it was the only time I ever really saw her smile, Margot had a pretty smile, I wish she smiled more often.
5. Her favorite films were the parent trap and Nerve she went on and on about them during a two-week film camp we had in Juneau and had posters of them above her bed.
6. She knew my secret and she didn't say anything, I don't know why but I owe her everything for it.
So you see, everyone thinks I don't pay attention, that I am aloof and consumed by own self; but that's not true, I see people for who they are, I notice everything and just like Margot I can never let them see it.
I can never let them know that I see and I care.
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A U T H O R ' S N O T E Thank you so much for reading, I had a really shitty birthday probably the worst one I've ever had so it's nice to be in my safe space again. Writing, here with you guys. Thanks for being here and thanks for reading, you mean everything to me.
