Morose ✔️

14

I was up to my neck in schoolwork; Helix stayed the whole day after our last date, cooking another few meals for me, fighting for dominance in two more rounds of earth-shattering sex, until he eventually had to leave for work. He left me with the most loaded kiss I'd ever had, a promise that he was coming back, that we would see each other again.

My anxiety acted up after he left, intrusive voices telling me he got what he wanted and wouldn't come back— but I felt that he would.

The apartment felt empty after he left, no obvious trace of his visit at all. He'd done the dishes, packed away the leftovers into boxes and stuffed them in my mostly empty fridge— which was probably the only proof he'd been there, if you didn't count the soreness between my legs from our adult activities.

With my yellow marker-pen in hand, I got to reading all about the brushstrokes in Monet's paintings, Picasso's use of blue and other things I'd already read about a few times, but I had to refresh my memory. I had a quiz to take, an essay to write and an illustration based on the impressionistic painters to hand in— all before midnight the next day. I was en route to success before Helix decided to stay the whole day, not that I complained at all, but I would definitely blame him if I did badly.

I managed to get together a decent essay and an illustration I was somewhat proud of, but the quiz wasn't as great as I'd hoped. Either way, I was happy I managed to get it all done in time and celebrated with the rest of Helix's lasagna, somewhat reheated in the microwave. I ate it sitting on the counter, daydreaming of upgrading the small kitchen. Maybe I could ask the landlord to repaint the walls white, they'd turned yellow over the years, probably because the people who lived here before me smoked their asses off inside. I dreamed of maybe using foils on the countertops and cabinets, maybe black and some gray stone.. I smiled as I thought about it, before starting to type up a list of what I'd need to do it.

My recent slacking had definitely started kicking my ass, and as my health seemed to slowly get better again, I decided to force myself back into the good routines I had before; I went to bed earlier, woke up earlier, devoted the first few hours of my days to studying and got back into it pretty quickly. The feedback on my essay and illustration was clear, I had to study more. So... it meant I had to say no to another warehouse party— as a punishment for myself for letting it get this bad— and telling Helix I had to focus on school as the new assignments were handed out the next Monday. I just hoped he didn't think he scared me off.

By Wednesday I was actually ahead of schedule, pride blossoming in my chest as I went outside to check my mail. I waved at a neighbor walking by, ignoring the fact that I was still dressed in my pajamas, and opened up the mailbox. Not surprisingly, there was a couple bills, and—

My heart stopped. The world stopped spinning around me as a wave of nausea, chills and shivering crashed over me like a tsunami as I stared at the return address for the biggest envelope in my hand. It was thick, filled to the brim with papers and documents that brought back flashbacks of that day.

I could hear my mom's broken voice in my head as she told me what happened over the phone, my body tensed up, feeling the same kind of anger, unbearable sorrow and darkness that I did that night.

Somehow I made it back inside, fell to my knees and ripped open the envelope. Page after page reminding me of my worst nightmare— the biggest loss of my life. It brought back all the things I'd forgotten over the past weeks, all the pain and suffering, the emptiness in my chest.. I carefully skimmed through the documents, making sure not to read his name, or the word "deceased", as I tried to keep breathing. It wasn't easy. My body was numb, and I don't know how long I sat there, staring at the papers addressed to me and my brother before I fell forward, crying into the white carpet.