𝐏𝐨𝐩-𝐔𝐩 𝐓𝐡𝐨𝐮𝐠𝐡𝐭𝐬

𝙸 𝚎𝚡𝚙𝚎𝚌𝚝𝚎𝚍 𝚏𝚘𝚛 𝚝𝚑𝚒𝚜 𝚝𝚘 𝚑𝚊𝚙𝚙𝚎𝚗...

Huge ,fucking, trigger warning (suicidal thoughts)

My bright, immediate motivation to do things perished,as well as my will to even continue further on. I'm collapsing internally,but it's a matter of time it manifests itself to exterior destruction. Maybe i'm just being dramatic, but at this point...i sincerely don't see a point to get better. It won't matter anyways, these heavy burdens are burning through my aching soul and cramping body. This vessel of nothing more but meat,bones,nerves,and organs.
I know i need to stay strong,but again--why? I'm tired of forcing myself to be okay,i'm tired of having this wack-ass thing for never accepting help,then ponder why i feel so alone,so unloved,so...unaccepted. oH, because i deserve to. Maybe i do,maybe i don't--but all i do is whine,whine,whine and cry; be a wimpy no good crybaby. A baby that can't even understand their own self, accept themselves, and is brought down by the overwhelming weight of this reality, the feelings of others,and the cruelty. The lies, the hurt, the confusion, the toxicity--all of it burdens me. And with a smile and a joyful remark,i find myself forced to brush it all away. Brush away and repress how i feel, let the wind take it all away,but like leeches,some problems cling onto me. I'm basically a leech--burdening others and draining others. I don't deserve them...? My mind's at war with it self. 

I'm genuinely this close to shooting it  out of my head and for it to spill blood all over the wall; spill all of its poison out and die.  Damn, same shit with my body--these thoughts are driving me near the edge to cut deep,deep gashes into my body,my arms and stomach. I'm just done living.
Maybe i'm just being dramatic, but im relapsing,and i don't know if i want help at this point. I think i deserve this,and will let its effects destroy me