Marvel Oneshots/ ScarJo,Lizzie Olsen&Florence Pugh

I didn't mean to disturb you... {Natasha× fem reader}

Warnings: Self-harm, anxiety, panic attack, mention of abuse, mention of suicide

Your girlfriend, the ex- assassin, Natasha Romanoff had been working all day.
She told you, that she had to do some extra paper work.
You knew that, if she got into her home office and shut the door, you were not supposed to disturb her.
If you did, she would be mad at you. She hated getting distracted while working.

So you just nodded at her as she shut the door behind herself.
You got up into your shared bedroom, and you turned on the TV.
You laid down in the bed, cuddling one of Natasha's hoodies and smelling that beautiful smell of hers.
You wanted to cuddle her, because you didn't really feel well today.
You had been dealing with anxiety, panic attacs and self harming your whole life, as your parents were abusive.
You promised Tasha, that you wouldn't hurt yourself again.
So you pushed the thoughts of it away, and closed your eyes, falling asleep.

you were on a mission with the avengers, and it was dangerous. You all were on your way to HYDRA, wanting to finally destroy them.
You all fought against everyone, as you Suddenly heard someone scream in pain. No, it wasn't someone. It was her. Natasha. Your girlfriend. You ran to her, seeing her coverd in her own blood. "Baby what happened?" You asked her, as you took her, to bring her to the quinjet where she was save. "They.. shot me.." Tasha whispered, wanting to close her eyes. "Baby, keep your eyes open, please. You can do that, you are strong, I know that" you felt tears running down your cheeks.
"I.. love you.." Natasha said, before Closing her eyes. "No! Please, Tasha, no!" You yelled in pain, falling onto your knees and holding her now lifeless body

You wake up, tears rolling down your cheeks, shaking and breathing heavily.
It's just a dream!, you tried to get in your head. But your fucking mind wouldn't listen to you.
You didn't know for how long you sat there, for how long you have slept.
You stood up, still shaking, making your way to the bathroom.
You actually knew, that Natasha was down in her office, but your head didn't realize it.
You couldn't survive without her. She was the one who held you back from committing.

You closed closed door behind your back, searching for it.
You quickly found it.
Tasha would normally hide it from you, but this time she forgot.
Would she even care?
If you did this?
Would she be mad? Yell at you? You started crying again. You just wanted the pain to go away.
So you took the blade, sliding it over your arm. You didn't feel pain, but relief.
You saw blood slowly coming out. You made another cut. And another and another.
You turned to your other arm, covering it in many fresh cuts.
You haven't been doing this for 4 years now. You have been clean.
Another reason why you were a disappointment. You have been clean.
You whimpered as you slowly stood up.
Blood on the floor, blood in your hoddie, blood everywhere.
You looked at yourself, knowing you shouldn't have done this.
But you have. You cried. You almost screamed in pain, knowing not a single soul would hear you.
It were silent screams.
You felt as if someone was choking you, you didn't know how to breathe properly.
You licked your lips, as they felt like you haven't been drinking something for ages.
You hold onto the sink, your knees/your legs not working the way you wanted them to work.
Sweat all over your back.
You sat yourself down on the floor, before you would actually break down, maybe hitting your head on the sink.
Your heart was beating, hammering in your chest. It was painful and you let out a whimper before crying again.
You wanted to close your eyes, but you couldn't, because everytime you did, you saw the pictures of your dream in your head. You wanted to scream, that those pictures should get out of your head.
You hold your head, as if you were trying to pull them out.

After some time, you cleaned up the blood, put the blade away and changed your hoddie.
You made your way downstairs, hearing your girlfriend yelling at someone on the phone.
You wanted to knock, but you didnt wanted to distract her while working.
You sighted before knocking anyways.
Your heart told you, you should do it.
"What?" Natasha groaned annoyed.
You slowly opened the door, sticking your head in.
"I'm.. I'm sorry I didnt mean to.. disturb you.. I just.." you stuttered.
Natasha saw the way you looked at her. Guilt in your eyes, pain and.. worthlessness.
She quickly hung up the phone.
"Baby, what happened? Come here, please" Tasha asked, concern swinging in her voice.
You sneaked in, slowly coming up to her.
She patted on her lap, signaling you should sit on it.
She wanted to take your arm, but you pulled it away, sitting down in her lap.
"What happened Baby?" She asked in a soft and worried voice.
"I had a nightmare.." you whispered.
"You want to tell me about it, Princess?" She asked, tucking a strand of your hair behind your ear.
You were fidgeting with your hands, as you started explaining.
"... and then I held your.. your lifeless body in my arms.." you finished between sobs.
She pulled you into a hug, whispering into your ear "Baby, I could never leave you, and I will never. I will fight for you, I promise. This will never happen. Did.. something happen when you woke up?"
You slightly nodded, pulling the sleeves down and holding them, so they wouldn't slide up, reveling your new scars.
"I was having a panic attack and I locked myself in the bathroom.." you mumbled.
Natasha now looked you directly into your eyes with concern.
Her eyes widened, as she thought that she forget to hide the razor blade.
"Baby, did you..?" She asked.
You turned your head away, you did not wanted to see the disappointment in her eyes.
Natasha grabbed your chin softly, making you look at her.
There was no disappointment in her eyes, only concern and love.
"Can I see?" She knew, that you would tell her anyways. That you couldn't hide them from you forever. She knew your old scars, and she would recognize new ones easily.

She looked at your arms, pulling the sleeves up cautiously.
She slightly gasped, as she saw how many it were.
"Why didn't you come down after you woke up?" She asked you.
"I knew you were working.. I didn't wanted to interrupt you.. I know how mad you can get.." you whispered, tears filling your eyes again.
"The next time, could you come down? Telling me what happened? I promise, I will never be mad at you" she said in an almost whispering voice, trying not to scare you, as she knew you were scared of loud noises or people yelling at you, especially after a panic attack.
You nodded, and you felt the tears sliding down your cheeks again.
Natasha gave you a slight kiss on you lips. You kissed her back.
"How do you love me? How can you stay with me.. I sometimes need constant comfort, you need to be around me all the time.." you asked.
Your ex assassin wiped your tears away, and cautiously kissed your scars.
"I love you. With all my heart. I know, you're the one for me. And I love being around you all the time. I really don't want to loose you. It would break my heart, if I ever did.." Natasha replied.
You looked at her, seeing a small smile on her lips.
You returned that smile, as you snuggled into her neck.
"You know what? I clearly am done for at least the next 4 days. What about we order food and watch a movie?" She hugged you.
"Arielle?" You asked, innocently smiling.
Your girlfriend placed a kiss on your cheek.
"Arielle. But first, we're cleaning your scars." Natasha replied and stood up, carrying you bridal style upstairs to clean up your wounds.
She then took you down and ordered Italian food, put on Arielle and you hugged her.

The food came, and Natasha fed you, knowing you had problems with eating after such a panic attack.
After you both ate, you got up, keeping to watch Arielle in your bedroom.
Tasha pulled you close, and you laid your head down on her chest, calming down by the sound of her heartbeat.
She played with your hair, noticing your breath got deeper.
You fell asleep peacefully, with a smile on your face.

A/n: I hoped you liked this new little oneshot!
Since I have never written characters with panic attacks, I don't know how it turned out..
But I still hope, that you at least thought it was okey haha.

Remember to eat and to stay hydrated!
Go for a walk, fresh air always helps.
And remember: I love you!