Bullet in the Heart - Professor Lupin

are you fucking joking?

After my disastrous confrontation with the Professor I knew I would be getting in trouble with Sprout for leaving his lesson so I took the opportunity to skip another lesson in anticipation that I would be getting a detention anyway. I popped to my room to get my left over tobacco. Most of my secret smoking spots had been found by the Professor by now so I didn't know where I could could go without the fear of him joining me. Wandering across the ground was risky as well as Flinch was always lurking around somewhere looking for couples doing something they shouldn't be. I decided to go to the flower beds beside Sprout's greenhouse as I knew that second period she took 1st year free period in the library. There were a few fifth years just putting out their cigarette as I approached. 

"Fuck me, I thought you were a teacher", one of them said with a sigh of relief. I gave off a fake smile as they continued on. The flower bed was a known smoking spot reserved for fifth years but I came here every now and then with May to scare them. I sat down on the rotting bench stationed under the tree. My hands were shaking as I tried to roll, the dry crumbling tobacco didn't help. I thought back to the moment where the Professor showed me his rolling skills that night by the window. I really did like him, he did care - well at least he pretended to. I just couldn't bring myself to trust him, in a way the kiss was one of the best feelings I have ever felt but it also felt like a betrayal of trust. I missed his warm hugs and touching words that made me feel a little less shitter than before. I couldn't get him out of my head but I also couldn't stop feeling angry at him. Mid thought I heard footsteps approach, I dropped my fag in an instant and curled up on one end of the bench that was shadowed in the dark by the broad leaves of the tree. I watched eagerly to see who was there. 

"Iris?", Jake and Tom whispered in chorus. I popped my head into the light in shock. Their eyes lit up with joy, "There you are". I was so surprised to hear their voices again my mouth hung open. "Calm down, it's just us - you can shut your gob".

"What are you doing here?", I asked curiously. 

"We thought you might be here", there was a short silence, "you stormed out of Lupin's class and we just wanted to make sure everything was alright". Even though I appreciated the gesture they hadn't made an effort with me the last few weeks so I didn't understand where this was coming from. 

"Oh - now you care?" I stared at them in confusion.

"Iris, we're sorry but May was really upset and we just wanted to stick by her because she wasn't in a good place", I laughed at them. 

"May isn't in a good place? Are you joking? It's always May isn't it?", I started to get get annoyed, "May is the one with all the problems, always the victim. But not Iris no, Iris is always the one in the wrong. Iris is the root of everyone's bloody problems", my voice had become more serious and louder, "Because why would I be the one struggling, why would I be the one in a bad place? Why would I need you guys? I'm completely fine, I'm fucking great!"

"Iris chill-", Tom tried to interrupt.

"Because I'm always second aren't I?", I shouted in their faces. 

"That's not true Iris", Jake came closer in an attempt to calm me down. 

"What did May tell you then? Why are we not friends anymore?"

"She said that you claimed that her problems were invalid, that she didn't have anything to be upset about, that her life was perfect", Tom explained. 

"Which it isn't", Jake added.

"Are you fucking joking? You want to know the truth? May doesn't know boundaries, she doesn't understand that not everything has to be shared, not everything has to be said. Even if it does anger her she has no right to point out my problems and force me to speak about them." there was another loud silence disturbed by whining birds.