Pandora Unleashed

➰

AUTHOR'S NOTE:
(Pretty please, don't skip this.)

As some of you may know, I use Pandora as a form of diary. It's filled with moments in my life; from emotions and experiences to the most gut-wrenching and honest-to-God growth periods in my life.
Of course the story is a fanfiction, emphasis on the fiction, and not ALL moments in the story are a direct reflection of my life.

However, 90% of it is.

I try to write from an authentic place and by doing so, I've promised myself to stay true to that notion; it's storyline, whatever that may be, it's characters but more importantly, the grey area that life can sometimes be.

Pandora isn't therefore just a fanfiction to me but my first genuine creation where I pour myself and my deepest insecurities into.
So, when my hard stan self was bias wrecked by my own biases (namkook) after Butter, I wanted to express the emotions I was feeling.

But like I've stated once before, I listen to the Pandora's characters and Shorty's LOUD voice really wanted me to write an explicit scene for the next chapter. Problem with that was I, the author, wanted a fun and raunchy scene but the story and the main character, reminded me of my promise.

Authenticity.

How could I clash my desires with the story's need and make it make sense?
I thought about it, I researched about it too. In conclusion comes the fourth HARDEST chapter I have written for the Pandora series.

This chapter made me question my capabilities as a writer, doubt the purpose of the entire book, hate and methodically nitpick every line because I am, unfortunately, a perfectionist.
I'll be honest, I'm scared to death to have you read it. I'm afraid of judgment. I'm scared that you won't understand. I'm terrified of what you'll think - wording wise but more so the essence of the chapter.

I'm not a native English speaker. So throughout writing this chapter, I felt beyond insecure about my English capabilities, whether or not my English was good enough to convey not only emotions but what I was trying to say.

My hard stan self wanted a fun and raunchy story and Shorty wanted it for herself but the story, itself, needed it to be more than just the explicit y'know.
I'm sure - if you follow me on twitter and read my tweet from the other day - you were expecting just another lighthearted xxx scene, but again ... the promise, authenticity.

And thanks to that, I've written a chapter that baffles me. I don't know how I came up with it.
All I can say is the story and it's main character told me to write it. And I listened.
Unfortunately, this meant I had to explore a part of me that I haven't before or rather a part of me I didn't dare visit. And it genuinely scares the shit out of me to show it to you.

I feel like I should apologize in advance. So I will. I'm sorry for writing this and I'm sorry if it doesn't make sense. I don't think it should to others but it does to me.

I'm unsure of what tags or trigger warnings there should be, so please be mindful when reading.
I've always tried my damn hardest not to write too many graphic scenes and deliberately choose my words with some kind of respect without losing the true journey of the characters.
Please remember this story is an extension of my journey too as an individual and as a woman.

Thanks for reading all of this.
Again, I'm sorry. xoxo Sara.