How the Soul Sings

Chapter Thirteen

Chapter Thirteen

“Those in power write the history, while those who suffer, write the songs.” – Frank Harte

          Being rejected by Daniel and betrayed by Reid, you would have thought that I'd swear off guys for forever. All it did was change me and convince me to not let myself be so naive and vulnerable. As a teen in the seventies, I discovered Led Zeppelin, Pink Floyd and a little more of the Rolling Stones. My bedroom walls had practically become wallpapered in their posters, amongst other bands. I began smoking out in the open, to the much disappointment and initial disapproval of both my mother and aunt, but they quickly gave up on that, figuring it was better I did it outside, than stink up the house or hide it in my room and accidentally set my bed on fire or something like that. The only smoking I hid was pot. Sometimes I dared to in my room, beside an open window, or out back, behind the barn. I knew plenty of boys I could get it from for free for just showing them my boobs.

No, this time, instead of trying to get a guy, I played hard to get with the intention of never being caught. My experience with Reid had taught me how to be an excellent tease and I enjoyed making them all squirm. I kept one guy on the hook all summer. I finally let him screw me in the back of his truck, only it was me who decided when and how it was going to happen. With a condom ready and already on the pill, courtesy of my mother's insistence if I ever wanted to leave the house again, I had it all planned out; I wanted to be able to call the shots. I could tell by how far back his eyes had rolled that he'd never had a ride like that. I even eventually taught him how to do most of the things that Reid did, especially what I liked most, about where a guy could put his tongue and I did it without having to do much of anything back to him. It felt INCREDIBLE to have this kind of power over a boy, like the kind Reid had over me, and to experience this kind of excitement with my body again. We continued to see each other into the early part of the school year, but then I decided that it was time to cut him loose around Halloween. I abruptly started ignoring him, utterly and completely. I wouldn't return his 'hello' as he passed by me in the hall at school, wouldn't take his phone calls. I stopped meeting him after school to 'study' and even refused to come outside when he came by my house to try and talk this over. Whatever it was, we could work it out, he pleaded. Instead, I just coldly went on my merry way as though he meant nothing. I watched him walk around school like a sad, pathetic little puppy, all brokenhearted, for weeks. I just wanted to f—k him and leave him hanging and hungry for more, before he did it to me; this was my payback to guys, for what Reid had done.

            When I wasn't 'studying' with that last boy, I was expected to watch my baby cousin after school, since Laura had returned to work and so Daniel could study. They had a baby girl and named her Lily. She had sweet, dark curls and soft brown eyes; almost a splitting image of my aunt Loraine. Lily was a happy, chubby baby. She cooed and giggled a lot and added a whole-lotta joy to our world, especially when our sky turned dark again because at times, she was the only sunshine.

When I turned sixteen in October of ‘73, I got my aunt’s Ford Galaxy. She had impulsively went out the week before and bought a new Chevy Monte Carlo. Nobody could figure out if she did it to cheer herself up or to try and make everyone forget about the bomb that was just about to be dropped on our world; she had cancer. She had felt a sharp pain in the side of her left breast one day when she went to bend over and pick something up. Then she noticed a hard knot in it when she went to rub the pain away. After her lumpectomy and a couple of x-rays, the doctor told her that it was stage four, having already spread to her other breast and parts of her body.